Tuesday, February 5, 2019

The time I got plastic surgery

Okay, so it wasn’t technically plastic surgery, but it fell under that category when it came to insurance, and I find it hilarious to tell people that I got plastic surgery, because their first reaction is always shock and they wrack their brains to see what part of me has been altered.

I can’t remember what the actual procedure is called. But, basically, I took a laser to the chin to get rid of pretty big acne scars I’d had since high school. (Sometimes I see pictures of myself from high school with the zits that caused those scars, and I dramatically point to the picture and go, “You.” to the zit.)

Here’s what was different about my acne scars: the majority of people have acne scars that are indents/divots into their skin. Mine, however, are not-so-little bumps. Thankfully, those scars are only located on my chin, and not everywhere. So, this laser treatment would zap those bumps in hopes of flattening them.

So, after a couple of preparation doctors appointments, it was time to go forth with the laser treatment.

I plopped down in the chair. It was similar to a dental chair. They leaned the chair back so that I was basically laying down flat, covered my eyes with some dark goggle type things, and began zapping my chin.

It definitely hurt. Part of it was because I’m a redhead. The gene that comes with being a redhead includes being more resistant towards numbing medicine (such as epidurals). The doctor forgot to take this into account, and gave me the normal amount of the numbing medication. After expressing pain and wincing multiple times, she said, “Oh! Oh my gosh, I’m sorry. You’re a redhead. I forgot that I have to give my redheaded patients a double dose.”

She injected my chin with more medicine and was able to finish the procedure with me being pain-free.

What came next, I documented on my Instagram story . . . and I’m so grateful I did. Because it captures it in a way that my words never could.



So, without further ado, please enjoy the next 12 hours following my procedure.





So, what happened next?

I drove to my apartment, still crying. I parked, hid in my car for probably 20 minutes, and sprinted into my apartment (still crying) where I promptly took a nap.
I woke up when it was dark. Keep in mind, this was summertime, so it got dark pretty late. I had slept a long time.

. . . I had also bled all over my pillowcase.

I looked at my chin to see it puffy and crusted with dry blood. And, wouldn’t you guess it, I started crying again.

Not as hard, though. So . . . that’s good, right?

It was time for my nightly cleaning of my new injury. Cleaning included soaking it with a vinegar-soaked cotton ball for 15 minutes, followed by rubbing it with a liquid steroid, an ointment used for diaper rashes, Vaseline and, lastly, taking two antibiotics. This would be part of my nightly routine for about the next two weeks.

I had transferred my vinegar-mixed-with-water concoction into a water bottle, which I dunked my cotton ball in. I plopped down on the couch, placed the now-soaked cotton ball on my bloody chin and watched TV with my roommates as I snacked on a Texas Roadhouse roll.

My chin was still aching, but at least I had my roll.

Then. This happened.








In case you didn’t catch that, I drank my vinegar soak. Yup. Took a big, ol’ sib. And promptly spat it out onto my leggings.

I bet you can guess what I did next.

Yup. I cried. Again.

But, I’m still grateful I didn’t spit it out on my Texas Roadhouse rolls.

The next day, my chin looked better. It had stopped bleeding and was beginning to heal. Each day, it got better and better, though my chin remained an angry red for quite some time (and, to this day, the skin on my chin is still a ting pinker than the rest of my face. Thank goodness for makeup).

Two weeks later, I was back at the doctors, sitting up in the all-too familiar dental-like chair.

The appointment was earlier in the morning. Now, at this time in my life, I didn’t have a job or school going on. This, combined with the fact that I am not a morning person, meant I got up late and was running behind.

I legit threw on some basketball shorts, wore the shirt I wore to bed, brushed my hair and teeth, slid into some flip-flops and ran out the door with my mom, who was accompanying me to the doctors.

So, there I was, back at the doctors, sitting up in the dental-like chair as my doctor held my face and got extremely close to check out my acne scars.

“Hmmm, looks like we’ve missed a few spots,” she said.

My heart began to race. I was still recovering from the first time! There’s no way I could do this again!

“We’re just going to do some touch ups; we won’t do the whole procedure,” she reassured me. Honestly, she could probably see the fear on my face. I am terrible at hiding my emotions.

I remained sitting up, and she took a small laser to my face. I didn’t need to back up or cover my eyes this time. She numbed part of my chin (this time using twice the amount to begin with), and this time, as opposed to lasering my whole chin, she targeted specific spots.

Now . . . I was expecting this appointment to go by quickly. I thought I’d be in and out in no time. It was supposed to be just a check up, not a touch up.

Which is exactly what I told myself when I left my house without eating anything for breakfast.

Guess what. Me + pain =


Yup.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII passed out. I had caught myself in time, however. I could tell it was going to happen because of how sick and lightheaded I began to feel.

“Stop,” I said, reaching my hand out. “I didn’t eat breakfast. I’m either going to throw up or pass out.”

I leaned forward to put my head in my lap, but my dermatologist said, “No, I need you to lean back.”

And I did.

And that’s the last thing I remember.

I was walking in the woods in the dark. Character's from the Walking Dead were all around me. I turned, and saw Negan – the character that my celebrity crush plays. He smiled at me and said, 


 And I smiled back at him. 

There was a loud, buzzing sound. That was the sound the chair moved when it was being tipped backwards. I was starting to come back to. The chair was leaned back almost all the way. I wasn’t just flat on my back; my legs were slightly higher than my head so that blood could get to my head.

Time seemed to move by in slow motion. It seemed like my chair was tipping back for an eternity.

I don’t know how long it had been before I spoke. I’m sure it’s not as long it felt. But, I finally said, “Did I pass out?”

“Yes,” my doctor said. “How are you feeling?”

“I might throw up,” I said, my eyes remaining closed.

“I’ll go get her a bucket,” said the nurse.

I heard her walking, then the door open and close.

“I dreamed about Negan,” I moaned to the doctor.

I’m sure she had no idea who I was talking about.

“You were only out for 20 seconds,” she said.

“Well he said hi to me,” I said.

“Well, I guess you did snore,” she said.

“Somehow that’s more embarrassing to me than the actual passing out.”

The nurse came back. I heard her place a bucket on the ground and said, “I have some juice and crackers for you when you’re done.”

“Thank you,” I replied.

They went back to zapping my chin. I began to feel a little bit better, but I didn’t dare open my eyes.

“I’m surprised you’re not totally freaking out. If my mom were here, she’d be in a total panic,” the nurse said, directing the question to my mom, who was sitting at the side of the room.

“Oh. Well, we do this. I pass out all the time, her sister has passed out. It’s just something we do,” she replied.

And it’s true. Maybe this is just part of being initiated into the family. My dad and one of my sisters are next.

A few minutes later, the doctor was done.

“Okay, we’re all done,” she said, and I cracked my eyes open to be greeted by the bright, florescent lights.

She rolled her chair back to her computer and said, “Come back in a couple weeks for another check-up. You can make that appointment up front, but don’t sit up yet. You’re still looking quite pale.”

“I’m always pale,” I mumbled.

“Well, you’re really pale,” she responded.

I always know that, if you can tell I’m pale, then I’m obviously not doing well. So, I trusted her and remained laying back.

“I’m going to Africa in a couple weeks,” I explained. “Should I make the appointment before or after?”

She got really excited as she had recently returned back from a trip to Rwanda, the country I was going to.

“Don’t worry about an appointment until you get back from Africa. Just make sure to always wear sunscreen, especially on your chin. I do not want to see you with a tan when you come back!” she said.

“Deal.”

A few minutes later, I felt back to normal aside from a little bit nauseous. I drank my juice, ate a few crackers, set up an appointment and left with my mom feeling mortified that I had snored when I passed out.

Let’s fast forward to after my trip to Rwanda. It was a final check up to see how I was healing and see if any more touch ups needed to be done.

I sat back in the familiar dental-like chair. This time, I had eaten.

My dermatologist walked in, and a huge smile came across her face and she exclaimed,







I was proud of myself, too.

ANYway. Everything had healed properly and was back to normal. The acne scars I was so self-conscious about remained, but they weren’t nearly as noticeable as before. And, they’re easier to cover with makeup now.

Am I glad I did it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably not.


And that, my friends, is the story of the time I (kind of, but not really) got plastic surgery.


Have an awkward day.



(This was taken a week apart)

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Here and back again: Online Dating

Sometimes, I think I should rename this blog to "Woes of a Single Woman." But then I'd have to buy a whole new domain name, and that's just not worth it.

I'm back to trying online dating. It's something I've done before (see: My Tinderella Story), and have never really had much success in the love department. I have, however, had much success in the good story department with online dating.

This time around, I've been using Mutual. Mutual is basically Tinder for members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the religion I'm a part of). Members in this organization tend to marry others within their same religion. Combine that with a high concentration of members in Utah? Mutual is generally a good place to try online dating for free.

If you don't know what Tinder is, I applaud you for being that out of the world that you don't even know what Tinder is. For an explanation of what it is, click on the blog mentioned above. In that blog, I give a description of what Tinder is and how it works.

Anyway, I've been much pickier than I have been in the past when deciding who I'm interested in and would like to chat with. I was exhausted of going on awkward dates with people I met online, and decided to put an end to it as best as I could. So, thankfully, I haven't had uncomfortable dates.

I have, however, ran across some . . . interesting profiles. And, I think they're worth sharing on my awkward blog.

I tried to hide these guys' identities as best I could. So, names and faces are scribbled out using my highly quality photo editing option on my iphone.

So without further ado, here's what I found to be the most cringy and/or entertaining bios and pictures on Mutual. Please enjoy.






Alright, let's start with this guy. Look, if you have to specify that you're not gay, the chances are, you probably are actually gay. You may not realize it yet, but . . . you're probably gay.
Also, the rest of the bio is just kind of hilarious. It's like reading the bio of a teletubbie.
































Speaking of funny bios, here's this lil guy. It made me chuckle. If one of you guys listen to his podcast (or, pawdcats), let me know how it is. I'm listening to too many true crime podcasts right now to add another to my list. Also I hate cats.

































Okay, now with this guy. How DARE you put Beyonce and Kim K. on the same level! I'm not even a big Beyonce follower and have probably only listened to two of her songs, but I know she is far more talented and respectable than Kim K! HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE QUEEN. HOW DARE YOU.




And while we're on the subject of insulting bio's . . .





Maybe I'm biased because I'm a dog mom . . . but is this totally douchey? It comes across as totally douchey. And since it's douchey, I can be douchey back, right? Cause he is not tall enough or rich enough to make such a judgmental statement. Once you grow at least five inches and get a real job, then you can tell women to be emotionally stable. And even then? JUST DON'T DO IT.







Okay okay okay. Now, I don't know why, but the "tickle your back" statement makes me shiver. And, not the good kind of shiver. The creeped-out kind of shiver. Maybe it's cause I'm not ticklish, and get tired of guys attempting to flirt with me by poking my sides and it turns into just that. Just a little fella obnoxiously poking my sides as I stare at him with a dead look on my face. It's very obnoxious. 


Aaaaaaaaaand speaking of unwanted physical contact. . . 





Aaaaaaaaand on the topic of things not to say . . . 





I just . . . I just can't. I cannot express how much this grosses me out. 



Yeah okay so I circled the "from" answer, cause I thought it was weird, but then I read the entire profile . . . and decided that basically the whole profile was weird. The guy's really good at not answering the questions presented to him with a straight answer. He should be a politician. 
'Ight. Before we transition over to amusing pictures featured on Mutual, we'll cover this conversation I had with a guy on the app. 

Background info: he asked if I was from Utah. It lead to this:


The bigger thing to do would be saying something like, "Oh, okay. I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in something that would ultimately be a long distance or not go anywhere."
Something like that. 
But instead . . . I ghosted him. (Ghosted is a slang term that means you just ignore someone that's interested in you until they go away.)


Alright. Now for the pictures. 


This was one of the guys pictures. He also didn't have his name listed. Or any personal information about himself. And not really any clear pictures of his face. So I legit knew nothing about him. But hey, some girls are into the mysterious type. 


This fella gave ZERO explanation as to who this bride he's kissing on the cheek is. And, let's be real. It looks like he's the groom! Maybe he is. There's nothing to say otherwise. 
I wish him and this woman the best future together. I hope they're happy together 💗


Okay, a couple things about this. 1. I think I did a better job hiding his identity than this guy did of hiding this chick's identity. 2. Why did he even use this picture?? First of all, it has - what I assume to be - his ex girlfriend in it. Second of all, the quality of this picture isn't that good, either. The lighting is bad, the angle of the face is bad . . . I'm just like, surely there's a better picture of you that you could've used! 3. If by "you," you mean that I have the chance to one day be featured on your dating profile with my face poorly blurred out? . . . Pass. 

These last two? They just made me laugh. 

 


I don't think I'll meet my future spouse online. That's just my gut feeling, and I could be wrong. Regardless, online dating has brought some joy, awkwardness and dates into my life. And for that, I'm grateful. 

Saturday, December 29, 2018

Sticky lips

Look, guys! I made a crappy vlog for my crappy blog!!

I wrote this story out three or four times, but because of how many visualizations there were, I decided to just vlog it.

So, without further ado, enjoy “Sticky lips” and this extremely poorly made vlog.

Thank you.

So at this point, my battery died. Then I filmed the rest when I was at home (still wearing sun glasses cause #nomakeup), and then I tried to edit it . . . but I accidentally cut off a crucial plot point . . . THIS IS WHY I WRITE AND NOT VLOG. 

 SO HERE'S THE CRUCIAL PLOT POINT: 

The grooms men and bridesmaids are paired up and walking down the isle one couple at a time. 

And who's a groomsman who's part of the ceremony? 

My. Ex. 

Okay here's the rest of the story, including the "sticky lips" part. 


Thank you everyone for coming to my blog.

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Thursday, November 29, 2018

European American


This is a post about a political topic, and I don't think the changes I'm suggesting will happen. Also, my opinion likely wont be changed by your angry comment.

I’m just publishing this cause I think it’s an interesting idea.


Image result for 30 rock political gif


Thank you.

Here we go!

Here's something that bugs me about the United States. Every American has 'titles' that go along with their identity.

African American.

Asian American.

Latin American.

Native American.

And so on. 

I want to start by saying that I don’t think these labels are bad. I think an amazing part of America is the different cultures that make up the States. I think labels allows us to embrace our heritage and helps us remember where we came from.
  
Here’s where I do have a problem, though, and would like to see a change that will never happen:
  
White people.

I’ve never been called ‘white American’ or ‘Caucasian American.’
  
I have, however, been called ‘American.’
  
And it’s true. I’m absolutely an American, and my identity certainly lays heavily on being American. I was born here, as were my parents, grandparents and great grandparents.
  
And before that? They came from Europe. 
  
But I’m not a Caucasian, white or European American. I’m just American.
  
And that bugs me.
  
Why?
  
One reason is because it makes us forget where we came from!
  
I think it's dope that I’m descendants of (mostly) Belgian and British immigrants (I’m still very much a European mutt)! I’ve had the opportunity to go to those countries, and I loved it! I love being able to say that my ancestors came from those countries! They survived the plague!
  
And they were all super poor peasant folk, so I’m pretty sure they didn’t participate in the colonization of Africa! . . . right? Right?
  

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 Not only that, but it makes me wonder how much my ancestors went through to get me to this awesome spot that I am in life. They truly are responsible for helping me be where I am today!
  
It also gives us more of a sense of identity. I cannot tell you how at-home I felt when I went to Utah's Scottish Festival (despite my little-to-no Scottish blood). I was around others who came from the same place, struggled with the same pale-skin issues, and shared so much of the same culture!

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 The other reason why this makes me sad is because I believe it subtly feeds into white privilege without us knowing it, realizing it, or meaning to.


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That’s just how our culture is. We’re American’s. They’re African American, Asian American, [ethnicity] American. But we’re Americans.

Why is that?

I don’t know. I don’t know how this started, or why it is the way that it is. I just think it’d be cool if it was different.


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What I’d love to see happen is for white Americans to start referring themselves as/being referred to as European American. (Or Caucasian American. Did you know Caucasian literally means ‘of European descent’? I had no idea until today!)

I believe doing this would help us be more accepting of others, welcoming of different cultures, and – in an ideal world – maybe even cut back racism.

Now because I have overly-sensitive white friends who probably have their panties up in a wad over this post, I want to make this clear:

There is nothing wrong with being white.

There is nothing wrong with embracing your Irish/British/Scottish/German/French/Belgian/Russian Heritage.

There is something wrong when you forget you’re a descendant of immigrants.

There is something wrong when you judge someone else for being an immigrant/descendant of an immigrant, when you yourself are one.

We can't get rid of these labels. And to be honest, I think it would be sad if we got rid of these labels. I think these labels are a good way to embrace, honor and remember our ancestors. They help us uphold traditions and remember where we came from.

I guess, the point I’m trying to get across here . . . or my thesis statement . . . is this: White Americans are European Mutts and should be referred to as European Americans. (Or Caucasian Americans. I don’t know, for some reason, I just like the word European more than the word Caucasian.) 

Also!

I do think there's one ethnic label we should get rid of, and that's Native American.

They are the only ones deserving of the title of just "American." Because they're Americans! Like, they’re the Americans. And they’re wayyy more American than us European mutts are ever gonna be!

And as for those saying, “Hey but what about the fact that I’m 3% African/Cherokee! That makes me ethnic!”

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Oh, shut up. I'm 7 percent Irish and don't even claim to be Irish.

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You’re white, and you probably only have that percentage cause one of your ancestors slept with a slave who didn't even want to be slept with.


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And that's what I'd love to see happen in the world, and am sure it wont.

Thank you.

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Thursday, November 15, 2018

The Awkward Column

I go through a number of small, awkward moments daily. Most of these moments aren't exactly long enough for an entire blog post. So, here is a random hodgepodge (a word that we, as English speakers, don't use nearly enough) of awkward moments that have happened to me recently. 

The self high-five

Disneyland is a hub for members of the Church of Jesus Christ. Probs cause most members have a lot of kids, live on the west coast, and Disneyland is on the west coast and geared towards families.
Brigham Young University is also a hub for members of the Church of Jesus Christ. The reason for this is obvious; it's cause it's owned by the church.

So it's not uncommon to see people wearing BYU attire at Disneyland.

Which is exactly what happened this last time I went to Disneyland.

My friend and I were exiting Space Mountain and making our way over to Indiana Jones, when I saw a guy wearing a BYU shirt.

We passed him, I raised my hand for a high five, made eye contact with him and said, "Go cougars!" (BYU's mascot is a cougar. Like, the animal. Not the old-ladies-on-the-prowl-for-a-young-man type.)

We walked past each other, my hand still raised, and I was ignored.

So I did the most logical thing:

I gave myself a high-five.

Image result for liz lemon self high five


The time I made a waterfall

It was around 5 a.m.

I was on my study abroad in New Zealand. We were moving from the North Island to the South Island.

I was boarding an airplane and was extremely grumpy because, well, it’s 5 a.m. and I’m not a morning person.

I had hastily packed the night before, but had left too much stuff out and shoved it all in my backpack the next morning.

As a result, my backpack was the size of a parachute.

We were on a pretty small plane, so the overhead compartments were pretty small as well. I got to my seat, turned to the overhead compartment, and started shoving my backpack into the small space.

“Come on,” I grumbled, punching the backpack into the compartment. “Can. You. Just. FIT?!”

One last final shove, and it was in.

And that’s when I saw the water trickling down and dripping out of the compartment . . . and right on top of a man’s bald head.

My eyes followed the trail of water and it lead right to . . . my unopened water bottle.

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I frantically tried to close the water bottle, turned the cap the wrong way, opened it more, panicked some more, and ended up just pulling the water bottle out altogether and sticking it my jacket pocket.

Water continued to drip steadily onto the man’s bald head. And he had a reaction that I appreciate to this day:

He sat there, staring straight forward, and just blinked. His mouth was stretched out in this line, and his face just read, “Of course this would happen to me. Oh well.”

I’m still so grateful for that reaction. He could’ve yelled at me. He could’ve caused a scene. He had good reason to, after all. Water was being dumped on his head at five in the freaken morning.

But instead, he just sat there like, “Well this is happening. This is a thing.”

And this was my reaction:

“Oh my gosh. I am so, so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m SO sorry.”

I pulled the sleeve of my jacket over my hand and started dabbing the water off of his head.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!”

It was pretty useless, and my friend standing behind me gave me a nudge and said, “Come on, Carmen.”


I began to half walk/half be pushed away from the guy, my arm still outstretched while I continued to spew never-ending apologies. 


The baby rhino

We were at a rhino reserve in Uganda. After watching an impactful (and frankly, depressing) documentary on rhino poaching (which you shouldn't do, by the way. It's stupid and useless and harmful to the animals and the enviornment), I stepped out of the room we were watching the documentary in, and went outside to go back to the bathroom.

That's when I was greeted by a warthog.

This warthog, to be exact:


(He's sleeping. Not dead.)

"WOAH."

I stood there, frozen. The warthog was just standing there too, minding his own business. I couldn't tell if the warthog was looking at me or not.

I also realized in that moment that, everything I knew about warthogs, I learned from The Lion King.

And I'm not totally sure that information is completely accurate.

Regardless, it wasn't helpful information anyway.

I didn't exactly know how to handle this situation. So I did what I do best:

I ran away from my problem.

Well, kind of. I very slowly began to do a sideways shuffle away from the warthog.

"Hello," came a voice from behind.

I jumped.

It was one of the workers of the rhino sanctuary.

I had forgotten that we generally needed to be accompanied by a worker while moving from building to building on a reserve/safari, in case we run into wildlife. That way, the workers can handle the situation and prevent the idiot tourists from potentially dying via hippo.

So, you know, we needed them to prevent the exact situation I was in right now.

(Also, in one of our camps, we fell asleep to the sounds of hippos and I found it oddly calming.)

"Are you going to the toilet?" the worker asked in his thick, East African accent.

"Oh - uh - yeah," I said.

He nodded and said, "I show you where it is."

"Thanks," I said, not taking my eye off the warthog. "Is that uh . . . uh . . ."

I had completely spaced the word "warthog," and said the one animal that came to mind:

"Baby . . . rhino?"

I face palmed myself internally.


Image result for liz lemon facepalm


“No, that is a warthog,” he said kindly. “Rhino’s are much, much bigger.”

"Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense," I said. "Is he . . . it . . . dangerous?"

"No, he will not harm you unless you try to harm him."

"Got it."

As we walked to the bathroom, I reassured myself that he’s probably used to arrogant white people asking stupid questions.

That’s what I told (and still tell) myself, anyway.

Who knows if that's actually true. 

An awkward date I went on


This took place after a rough breakup. I decided to give dating another try, so I downloaded a dating app.

I still regret this decision.

But, I stand by my life motto (the same motto that got me through the following story): Everything in life is a good experience or makes a good story later.

I agreed to meet up with a guy at a nearby sandwich/panini place (he let me pick where to eat). The way our conversation had shifted before the date, I was getting a vibe that this wasn’t gonna be as great as I initially hoped, so I picked somewhere that I enjoyed and didn’t want to pay for.

Might be mean, but I had to get something good from this date.

We met outside the restaurant, ordered our food and sat down. The casual, get-to-know-you questions began. You know, the “where are you from”, “what are you studying”, “what year in school are you”, etc.

“So, how many siblings do you have?” he asked.

I responded, then said, “What about you?”

“Guess,” he said.

“Uh – okay – I don’t know. Like, two?”

“I was born in China,” he said.

“Oh, then I’m assuming it’s just you?”

“Yeah,” he said. “But I had an older sister. I didn’t know her, though, because the government came when she was a baby and like, kidnapped her and put her in a dumpster or something.”

“Oh, wow. That was probably hard for your parents. I actually have a couple friends who’s family adopted girls from China who were abandoned as babies.”

“Wait, are you serious?” he asked.

“Yeah, like one was abandoned in a hotel, and I think the other actually was in a dumpster or something like that,” I said, taking a bite of my sandwich.

“. . . because I was just kidding,” he said.

Awkward silence.

“. . . Wait, really?” I said.

“Yeah, that didn’t actually happen.”

And so I did what I do when I can’t run away from my problems:

I laughed it off.

But, like, I really didn’t know exactly how to handle the situation so . . . I think I definitely overdid the laugh.




But what I really wanted to do was laugh my way out of the date. 




I didn't, though. I'm not that socially inept. 

I honestly can’t tell you what happened the rest of the date. I think I just went on autopilot and internally begged for it to be over. Conversation continued, but none of it was riveting.

At the end of the date, we exchanged phone numbers, and I went to the car thinking, “Oh man I wonder how late it is. That was pretty long –.”

It had been 45 minutes.

My date was 45 minute long.

And I thought it was like, two hours.


Also, I haven’t heard from him since. 


My period

I started my period three days early, in the middle of the day, while I was at work. 

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No big deal, I've been dealing with this for quite a few years now. I had some back-up pads in my desk drawer for occasions just like this. 

So I went to my desk, pulled open my drawer and opened the package of pads I had stored in my desk. I had bought these pads while in Africa after I discovered I forgot to pack feminine hygiene products. 

Well, my body decided not to have a period that month (don't worry - I'm not pregnant) so I ended up never using them, thus becoming my back-up products at work. 

I went to the bathroom to put my pad in, and realized the pad was massive. First of all, it had been quite a few months since I had worn a pad, and it had been even longer since I had used one that thick. Like, I didn't need that much protection, but I was sure getting it. 

While I was on the toilet bleeding my uterus out and experiencing period poop (every woman who has experienced a period knows exactly what I'm talking about right now), I realized that the bow of my dress . . . was sitting in the toilet water. 

I about threw up. First of all? Disgusting. Second of all? My bow had been tied SO CUTE before, and now I was gonna have to untie it and take it off! Third of all? . . . how on earth was I gonna take it off without splashing nasty toilet water everywhere?

It proved not to be as difficult as I originally thought it would be, but it was a definitely process. I untied it with two fingers, trying to prevent myself from touching the now-contaminated bow. Then, carefully, I set it on the ground, where a puddle began to form around it. 

I gagged, finished my business, picked the bow up with my pointer finger and thumb, and made my way to the sink where I washed my hands and pathetically tried to rinse/clean off the bow. 

Here's what I'm most grateful for about this experience: Nobody came into the bathroom while I was in there. Nobody. So nobody had to see me washing an article of clothing. And nobody watched me as I wrapped it in a paper towel. 

You know what I was also extremely grateful for? This dress had pockets. And not only that, but I had put my car keys in my pocket, and not my purse, so I had my car keys on me. 

And my car is exactly where I'd store my now sopping-wet-and-filthy bow. 

And guess what else I'm grateful for. The hallway outside the bathroom was completely empty. It was legitimately a miracle. I was able to jog down the hall, outside and to my car while holding a wet piece of fabric bundled up in a soaking paper towel without running into a soul

This is evidence that there is a God and he was sure watching out for ya girl. 

And that concludes my random hodgepodge of awkward moments. 

Embrace your inner awkward, everybody. And enjoy your day. And life in general. 

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Monday, November 5, 2018

Poncho, Part 2: Poopy Poncho

This is the last chapter

Welcome! This is the second part to my stories about being a dog mom. If you're just joining me, please scroll down, or click here, to read the first part.

So, without further ado:

This is the story of Poopy Poncho.

This story takes place the first night in my new apartment. I was nervous and excited to have my own place for the first time, and I was very grateful to have Poncho there to protect me (but, really guys. He's very protective of me. I love it).

9:00 p.m. 

I took Poncho out for his nightly walk so he could do his nightly bathroom run before bedtime. I came in, and we both settled in for the night.



11:00 p.m. 

I woke up to Poncho staring at my face. At this point in our relationship, Poncho had yet to bug me. So I sat up and said, "What is it, buddy?"

He placed a single, precious, little paw on the mattress and stared at me intently.

I rubbed his little head, wondering if he just wanted attention, but he kept persisting.

"Do you need to go potty?"

Poncho doesn't really respond to that word . . . or pee, poop, outside, bathroom, or anything of the sort. He's potty trained, but I don't think he has a word associated with it for when we ask him.

So that long rant is leading up to me saying: he didn't respond.

But he remained persistently antsy, so I stood up, hooked him up to the leash, and took him outside.

As soon as we got to the grass, Poncho revealed himself with a massive pile of poo. I picked it up, threw it in the dumpster, and went back inside.

1:30 a.m. 

Poncho was running around my bedroom. I groaned, sat up and snapped, "WHAT?"

He kept pacing and running around. I stood up and opened my bedroom door, wondering if he was just getting claustrophobic.

He kept running around. Dead tired, I said to him, "No! You literally just went to the bathroom! You're fine!"

And I flopped back down in a restless sleep.

2:15 a.m. 

I know it was the jingling of Poncho's collar that woke me up, but I don't really know what exactly pushed me to get out of bed and walk zombie-like into my kitchen/living room . . .

Where I was greeted by three, massive heaps of watery diarrhea.

And I just stood there . . . in complete shock. My arms were kind of spread to the side, I stared at the heaps with my mouth gaping open. What . . . the what??

And at that moment, Poncho took a squat by my bed and let out a disgusting, watery SPLAT.

It was disgusting.

"Oh, no. Oh no, oh no, oh no," I said.

Poncho squatted by my bed, his head hanging in pure shame.

"PONCHO! PONCHO, COME OVER HERE! COME OVER HERE! POOP ON THE TILE! NOT ON THE CARPET!"

Poncho quickly jogged over to me as I threw open the front door and we sprinted outside.

Splat. 

Splat. 

Splat.

It. Was disgusting.

"Oh, Ponchoooo," I said. "I'm so sorry."

We walked back inside where the pile of poops sat.

"Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay. We're gonna clean this up," I said to Poncho . . . though mostly myself.

I grabbed some paper towels, turned to the first pile, bent down, grabbed a pile of squishy poo, and then --

SPLAT.

"OH NO. OH NO OH NO OH NO."

Poncho hung his head in pure shame as he squatted and splatted.

"Poncho!" I yelled. "Poncho, over here! Poop over here! Over here!"

Poncho stumbled over to the tile floor and splatter pooped, and I said the only thing I could think to say:

"Good boy!" I praised. "You pooped on the tile! Good boooooy!"

3:15 a.m. 

Because of the consistent pooping, I decided to go to my parents house where I could put him in the back yard and attempt to sleep.

Throughout the early morning, I had texted my mom various things, and they gradually got more and more frantic.

Poncho has diarrhea! I'm going to try to clean it up. Any advice on how to clean it? Text me when you wake up. 

Okay, the diarrhea isn't stopping. I might come home in the morning before work to drop him off in the back yard. 

Never mind - I'm coming home now. Don't freak out and shoot me or something.

My parents don't even own a gun. But my overly tired brain was paranoid that they got one without telling me and they were going to shoot me if I scared them.

And so, I loaded Poncho into the car.

I gripped the steering wheel, and was surprised by how awake I was. Apparently the sight of poopy piles in your apartment gives you an adrenaline rush.

I went to pull out of my apartment complex, where there was construction being done. There were machines doing their thing . . . and three construction workers just standing there, chattin' it up. When I pulled up, the spread out, used their little glow stick things to direct me through the maze of construction cones, then went right back to talking.

So this is what the world's like at 3 a.m.

3:45 a.m. 

I pull up to my parents house and lead Poncho to the backyard through the front gate. I then went to my car . . . and grabbed a pot that had been sitting in my car for month and I'd been too lazy to bring it in the apartment.

I know. I know.

I knew Poncho was probably dehydrated from all the pooping.

At least, that's what google said.

I didn't want to risk waking my parents up by loudly getting a bowl and filling it with water.

After all, what if they bought a gun without my knowledge and shot me?

(Insert awkward laugh here)

I went to the sink in my garage, filled it up with water, and crept inside.

As quietly as I could, I walked through the house and to the backdoor. I slid outside, gave Poncho a few pets, left the pot full of water outside and went to the basement to try to sleep.

Meanwhile . . .

4:00 a.m.

My dad woke up to the sounds of Poncho scratching on the door. It crept into his dream. The more he heard that, the more he woke up.

"What's that noise?" asked my dad, sitting up.

"I don't know," groaned my mom, who had also just woken up.

My dad stood up and looked through a window showing the backyard.

"Is that . . . Poncho?" he said.

Sure enough, there was Poncho, sitting there and smiling away.


He's so cute.

Anyway, my parents stood there very confused as to why their grandog was sitting there, just chillin' in their backyard.

My mom checked the phone, read my texts, and informed my dad of what was going on.

9:30 a.m. 

I was late to work, and dead tired when I was there, too. My amazing saint of a mother watched Poncho (whom we had dubbed Poopy Poncho) as he hung out in the backyard, continuing to have the splattery poop problems.

And so, the next week, I'd be staying at my parents house so I could keep Poopy Poncho's poop outside.

Five days later

5:30 p.m. 


Poncho's splatter poop had persisted, so I took him to the vet.

Although I had contacted the vet ahead of time, they hadn't gotten back to me to set up an appointment. They did, however, accept walk ins. And so, with Poopy Poncho in tow, I brought him to the vet.

He took a looong pee on a bush outside the building, and headed inside . . .

To be greeted by two dogs Poncho had decided he didn't like.

Meet my judgmental dog, everyone.

While I waited to check in, I spent the whole time scolding Poncho has he growled and barred his teeth at the two dogs who tried to play with him. At one point, one of the dogs made a move at me to be pet, to which Poncho reacted by jumping on me, wrapping his legs around my thigh, turning his head towards the ouo, and began to bark.

My dog is a protective boyfriend.

I should note that Poncho has gotten 10x better with dogs. He has a little play group he trots around with about once a week.

ANYway.

The two dogs left, and Poncho remained agitated.

The vet tech had given me some papers to fill out, and told me that - because I was a walk in - it could be around 45 minutes before I would get a room.

I drag Poncho to the side and begin filling out his paperwork while attempting to shush him.

Then, a husky came through the door.

"Oh no," I said. Because if there's one thing I'd learned about Poncho in the short two weeks I had had him, it was that he hated husky's.

And Poncho and the husky lunged at each other.

And not only that, but Poncho peed all over the ground.

And at that point, I just gave up. I stared at my dog with a look I'm sure said something like, "why me?"

One vet tech began mopping up the pee while saying, "Jeez, how much did you pee?!"

I gave an awkward laugh and said, "Yeah . . . he drinks a lot . . . of water. Not alcohol . . . ha . . . ha."

"I know," said the vet tech as she continued to mop up Lake Poncho.

Then another vet tech came up and said, "We have a room ready."

And I dragged Poncho into the room, as he and the husky continued to bark (what I can only assume to be insults) at each other.

And as soon as the door closed behind us, Poncho calmed down, and sat right down next to me.

"Why did you have to embarrass me in front of the vets and all the other dog parents?! They probably think I'm a horrible dog mom now!"

He responded by panting.

"Ugh. Well at least your behavior got us in a room faster. That's a bonus," I said.


This picture was taken in the vet's room after he peed everywhere and attempted to attack a husky.

I sat there, my mind ruminating on the potential judgmental thoughts all the other dog parents and workers were thinking about me.

The vet came in soon after, smiled at Poncho and said, "Well at least we know you don't need to pee, huh?"

I gave an embarrassed, sympathetic smile.

Aside from Poopy Poncho and Poncho the Punk, Poncho has also earned the nickname/title, "Flirty Boi." He loves to flirt with the ladies and the lady dogs, and so he sucked right up to our vet (who was female).

He rubbed his little head against her leg, sat perfectly for her whenever she asked him to (something I hadn't learned about him yet), and behaved almost perfectly.

She left to go get some medication for him. I turned to him and said, "Okay, seriously. Why couldn't you have acted that good out there?!"


Today 

The vet prescribed him pills that helped, but the diarrhea continued after the pills were finished. So, after changing his diet to a "sensitive stomach" brand? It went away.

He has a sensitive stomach, which - I'm not gonna lie - is pretty annoying. Rawhide bones give him gas, pork flavoring (or perhaps pork in general) make him constipated. And he got into something yesterday that made him constipated again. And then yesterday he ate a bunch of crab apples around my apartment and threw them up.

He's also gotten better at sitting. He sits for his food, sits when I put on his leash, and sits when I leave.

He's a good boi. I love him.

So, what have I learned?

When it comes to cleaning up puke/urine/poop, being embarrassed in front of other parents, getting up once an hour to care for a sick child, sharing my bed with a wiggly creature who's not supposed to be in my bed, and having a difficult time knowing what to do when the one you're caring for can't speak?

I'm 100% ready for those aspects of motherhood.