Friday, February 21, 2020

Vagina guy

This is the story of my date with Vagina guy.

The reason why he has this nickname will become apparent by the end of this entry. It's the climax of the story, so I'm not gonna spoil it now.

I met Vagina guy on the same dating app I met my husband on. The first date with him went well. He was a bit . . . weird, but it was still a good date.

We met up to get tacos. I got there before him and stood inside the restaurant waiting for him.

He got there about five minutes later, walked in, and said, "Oh, good. You look like your pictures."

"Oh—I, um, am glad you think so. Hi."

We got our food, sat down, had normal conversation.

One weird thing I noticed right away with him, however, was that he'd dodge basic questions. For example:

He asked me, "How old are you again?"

I tell him, then asked, "Remind me your age?"

"56."

I forced a laugh, then paused, waiting for him to respond with his actual answer.

Nope. No answer. So I said, "You're like, 30 . . . right?"

He shrugged and said, "Close enough."

I remember at that moment thinking, This guy would be a great politician with the way he's dodging questions.

Now, part of me wonders if he had lied about his age on the app or something, but he did this with so many things.

Like at one point, I said, "Okay, so your mom's a professor. What did you say she taught?"

Keep in mind, he had told me earlier that evening what she had taught. I had just forgotten.

His response was something along the lines of, "How to tame lions."

"Ha. Ha."

Then I'd pause for him to respond with the real answer and . . .

Silence.

I mean, his responses were funny, but one false answer right after each other?

Exhausting.

Aside from that, however, the date was good. We were able to carry a good conversation and got along pretty well.

So, the next day, when he asked me on another date, I agreed. His response, though, was a bit . . . too forward for my liking.

He told me he'd pick me up at my apartment so I'd need to give him my address. He'd pick me up at this specific day and time and our location would be a surprise.

I put the breaks on that HARD.

"I'm not comfortable driving with someone until the third date," I told him. "I'll meet you there. And, that time doesn't work for me. I can come between [insert times here] instead."

Honestly? The time he suggested worked fine for me. I just hated that he told me that's what what we were doing and didn't ask me if it worked.

And surprise locations? Nah, man. That's how you get murdered.

Thankfully, he was nice about it and complied my requests. He told me we were going to a petting zoo for the date.

Image result for human petting zoo the office gif
(Not this kind of petting zoo.)

I was honestly pretty excited about this, cause I LOVE animals, and the thing only cost, like, three bucks per person. (I HATE expensive dates, specifically with someone you're still getting to know.)

Before my second date with Vagina guy, however, I went on a date with my now husband.

My husband and I had a good rapport right off the bat. We had a lot in common, I felt comfortable around him, we carried a good conversation, and had a lot of fun together. My date with him was much better than my date with Vagina guy.

So when the second date with Vagina guy came along, I wasn't looking forward to it as much as I initially was. I mean, I wasn't dreading it, and I was hopeful that the date would go well, but I knew I was more interested in my now-husband than I was in this guy.

So I drive up, and the date starts.

It got off on the wrong foot right away.

"You're wearing the same coat as last time," he said to me.

I looked down at it, then back at him and shrugged saying, "It's my favorite coat."

"Well don't you own any other coats?"

"Yeah . . . I just . . . I like this one best."

He nodded, and we walked towards the zoo.

Things continued to get uncomfortable.

"You have a dog, don't you?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said. "Do you like dogs?"

"I'm allergic. So whenever I come over, he'd just have to be put outside the whole time."

My mouth said: "Oh okay."

But my brain said:

Image result for that's a no from me dawg gif

Throughout this time in the petting zoo, he also started pulling small moves on me. Like, touching my shoulder, playfully patting my arm, stuff like that. It was totally appropriate, honestly.

. . . but every time he touched me, I flinched and pulled away.

Honestly, it was weird that I responded that way. I don't normally react that way, especially with someone I haven't gotten creepy vibes from. Yeah, he was a little awkward (but so am I), and I could tell we weren't as compatible as I initially thought, but I didn't think he was creepy.

Looking back now though, I can see that my sub-conscious was totally creeped out from him and it hadn't hit the forefront of my brain yet.

Either way, I took my flinching as a sign that this definitely wasn't going to work out.

We finished our time at the zoo and, honestly, I was ready to go home. He, however, enthusiastically headed towards the chocolate shop next door saying he'll buy me some chocolate.

(Why is it that, whenever I go to a chocolate shop on a date, it's always with a weird guy???)

Dread filled my stomach because I just wanted to go home and I did not want this guy spending more money on me. But, I didn't know how to get out of this situation, so I went with it.

On our way to the chocolate shop, he asked me how old my sisters were. I told him, and he—like most people do—noticed the significant age difference between me and them.

"Oh, so you were a mistake child?" he asked.

I get this a lot.

"More like I was the 'my-mom-had-fertility-issues' baby."

Usually, that shuts people up.

But not Vagina guy.

"Oh, man. How did your dad feel about you being a girl?"

". . . what do you mean?"

"I mean, he tried for all those years and then didn't even end up getting a boy? Didn't that bother him?"

I was so taken aback, honestly. Like, who says that?

". . . my dad's not a sexist." I responded.

"I don't mean that. I'm just saying I'd be mad if I didn't have at least one boy."

I said a prayer in my head for whatever woman he may end up with, as he would inevitably end up unnecessarily blaming her for the sex of their future baby.

"Well he never said it bothered him," I said shortly.

We got the chocolate, then sat down. I only got one piece because the chocolate was very expensive and, as I mentioned earlier, I didn't want him to spend anymore money on me.

I mentioned how much I loved my visit to Africa, and he said something along the lines of "oh I bet it was super, super poor there."

"Oh, actually Africa is a lot more developed and safer than people think. The countries we went to are really flourishing economically and—"

He interrupted me by correcting me.

Guys. He corrected me about a place I had visited and he had not.

He corrected me about something I had studied a lot in undergrad.

And then he began talking about how good colonialism was for Africa.

A fire of anger and annoyance irrupted in my stomach.

I kept my mouth shut, though. I didn't want to waste any energy on him. I just wanted to get out.

Then, he started talking about intense political issues and, well, let's just say they were the complete opposite opinions as mine.

Again, I just sat quiet. I didn't want to argue, I didn't want this date to go on. I just wanted it to end because, at this point, I knew that nothing between us was ever going to happen.

Image result for yeah this is not gonna happen gif

After rambling for a good amount of time, he stopped and said, "Oh my gosh. I can't believe I'm talking about politics on a first date."

"It's okay," I said (lying), "I once said on a first date that I wanted to help victims of female circumcision."

"Oh man, I once went on a date with a girl who talked about how vagina's are shaped like flowers or cactus's. So—what's the shape of your vagina?"

"Nope," I said. "Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope."

Image result for nope nope nope gif

He laughed and said, "Don't worry! I'm kidding."

"Yeah . . . still . . ." was all I could say.

Dude, I don't care if you're joking! No one should ask anyone that question, except maybe if you're a gynecologist talking to a patient! IT'S SO UNCOMFORTABLE!

There was an awkward moment between us as I sat and silently shook my head at what he had just said. He just kept laughing. It was so uncomfortable.

And then . . .

He tried to hold my hand.

Right after he had just asked what the shape of my vagina was. 

"Well, I'm . . . cold. I better get going. Thanks for the chocolate." I said, standing up and abandoning his hand.

He walked me to my car, we hugged, and I sped away SO fast.

Neither of us texted each other to set up another date.

But you know who did text me to set up another date?

My boo-thang.

And that, my friends, is the story of Vagina guy.

Friday, November 8, 2019

The worst date I've ever been on: Part 7

Chapter 7
The final, weird interactions

I began to avoid Jacob (Jared?? Legit can never remember what name I gave him on this blog) at all costs, but I knew it was inevitable.

I can't remember how long it had been since the date, but it hadn't been too long before I saw him again.

I went to a service project organized by my church congregation and, lo and behold, Jacob showed up.

Anxiety filled my chest and I ran to my friend, telling her that I had to remain by her AT ALL COSTS.

She had known about the terrible date, and I agreed.

We teamed up and began vacuuming the building we were assigned to clean. And who followed us?

Jacob.

And guess what he did? He began "flirting."

AKA: insulting.

Legit everything I was doing, he'd butt in and say, "You're doing it wrong. You should actually be doing it like this."

And demonstrate what I should be doing by using his vacuum.

I kept ignoring him, and he kept 'correcting' me and telling me how I was doing it wrong, and even said stuff like, "Look — I'm doing it better than you!"

Like . . . he was acting like a 5 year old.

I continued vacuuming and COMPLETELY IGNORING HIM, when he said, "What, are you stupid? You're doing it wrong."

Being called stupid is a huge trigger for me.

Once again, I completely lost it.

I literally slammed my vacuum down, dropping the handle, turned around to face him and yelled, "You. Are. Mean."

It was the comeback of a child, but I was dealing with a child.

Regardless, it seemed to work.

I saw shock fill his eyes. His posture changed and he took a step back and said, "It was just a joke."

Image result for liz lemon i'm doing the talking now gif

"I don't care if it's a joke. It's not funny at all," I said. "It's insulting, it's rude, and it's hurtful. So stop."

I can't remember his words after that, but I know he began to justify his actions to me, to which I raised my hand and said, "Just stop."

"Sorry," he mumbled.

I picked up the vacuum and said, "Don't talk to me if you're gonna keep saying stuff like that."

Rage filled my whole body. It was awkwardly silent after that, but I didn't care. I was proud of myself for finally saying something and standing my ground.

Jacob didn't talk to me the rest of the evening. I moved a few weeks after that incident, and didn't have to see him at church anymore. I was relieved and grateful to be done with him.

. . . and then 2 years later, I went back to that congregation while visiting my parents.

I knew he was still going to that congregation, and I wanted to avoid him at all costs. So, I decided to show up ten minutes late.

. . . but they had changed the time they met at, and I was actually 20 minutes early.

I frantically texted my mom: 'Should I hide in the bathroom?'
Her response: 'No. Maybe. Yes.'

And so that's what I did.

But let me tell you, sitting in the bathroom for 30 minutes is a lot harder than it sounds, especially when you're filled with anxiety over the situation.

Looking back, I should've just left and gone to my parents congregation or something. But I was stubborn and have always had this attitude of "don't let someone stop you from doing something."

It's . . . healthy for the most part.

Anyway, I ended up leaving after 15 minutes in the bathroom, which I thought would be okay, because the program started in 5 minutes, and he'd probably be there by now so I could just sit somewhere else, right?

Nope.

I sat down . . . and Jacob came in after me and sat down right next to me.

"Hello," he said.

"Hi."

"It's been a while," he said.

"Yup," I said.

There was a brief silence, then he stuck out his hand and said, "Would you like to touch my wenis or my waddle?"

Image result for 30 rock what the what gif

"Why the hell would you ever ask someone that?" I said, filled with disbelief.

It had been 2 years since I'd seen him, and I still had zero patience for him.

He pointed to his elbow and said, "Wenis." Then pointed to the skin in between his thumb and pointer finger and said, "Waddle."

"No, I know what those are," I said. "I just don't understand why on earth you'd say that to someone."

He shrugged and said, "It's funny."

"It's weird."

"You should try it in a job interview," he said.

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"You try it first and let me know how that goes," I said.

"I'll probably get the job for standing out."

"I'm sure," I said.

Church began and we fell silent. I pulled out my coloring book and began doing my thing: coloring and listening to the speakers and trying not to fall asleep.

About 20 minute into the program, homeboy STOOD UP. MID SPEAKER. WALKED TO ANOTHER BENCH, AND SAT BY ANOTHER GIRL.

I didn't know how to react. On one hand, I was very grateful not to have to sit by him anymore, and on the other hand, I was just insulted.

Image result for liz lemon rude gif

I think I was also shocked that he just did that in the middle of someone's speech. Like . . . wouldn't you at least wait till there's a break in between speakers?

But, whatever. I was relieved, even if I was annoyed.

Church ended, and I dashed out of there quickly, eager to tell my friends and family the latest in the Jacob saga.

That was a year ago, and I haven't seen or heard from him since.

And I'm REALLY not complaining.

Epilogue
What I learned from this experience. 

Writing out this story made me realize how much I learned from it. It was horrible, it was awkward, I hated it, but I learned a lot and changed a lot from it.

So, I'm going to share my life lessons with you in hopes of you following them, or passing them onto your children:

1. Trust your gut

Image result for 30 rock my gut gif

I'm extremely grateful I got out of the initial date. Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I had ignored my gut and had gone on the date. Although I still went out with him, my gut wasn't screaming at me the second time, and I felt better because of that.

2. It's okay to say no to dates. 

Image result for 30 rock no gif

It took me wayyy too many years, too many horrible dates, and a couple therapy sessions to get this into my head. I felt some sort of weird obligation to say yes to every date. I rarely got asked out, and I felt like if I said no to the ones I got asked out on, then God would like . . . make guys stop asking me out?
Guys, it's SO BACKWARDS. But it was my anxious brain was saying, "If I don't go on these dates, then I'm not showing God that I'm grateful that I'm getting asked out, and I'll stopped getting asked out."
Again. IT'S SO BACKWARDS, and I'm SO embarrassed by it now, but I'm sharing this to help anyone else who may have this unhealthy perspective.
Saying no to dates is awkward, uncomfortable, and can be interpreted as rude. But honestly, it's a good thing. You save the other person time AND money by being upfront with them from the beginning.
And if the person reacts poorly to you saying no, I think that just reaffirms that it's a good thing you said no.

3. Be clear, firm, and upfront with people. 
I wish I would've been upfront with this guy a lot sooner. It would've saved me from a lot of painful interactions. Sure, I was hinting to him that I wasn't interested, but I never flat out said, "I don't want to go on a date with you" or "I am not romantically interested in you."
I've applied this into all my relationships now. I no longer hint at anything. I no longer hope the other person gets what I'm saying. I say exactly what I expect from a person, what I want out of a situation, what's bothering me, etc.
People can't read minds (as far as I know). Unless you state what your expectations are, no one is going to meet them.
Image result for 30 rock let me be clear gifs

4. Sometimes the right thing and the awkward thing are the same thing. 

Image result for 30 rock sometimes the hard thing and the right thing are the same thing

There have been many times in my life when my gut tells me to do something, and I push it away thinking, "No, that's awkward."
But 90% of the time, it's the right thing to do.
So I started doing what my instincts tell me, even if it's awkward. Even if I'm clumsy, stumble over my words, or do it poorly, I at least do it.


I'm still learning a lot in life. I'm still clumsy at practicing these 4 things I learned (except now I'm getting married and don't have to worry about saying no to dates anymore HOLLA!!!), but I learned them, and am practicing them in my everyday relationships.

I hope this series not only entertained you, but taught you something as well. And if not, I'm still grateful you read it.

And thus concludes the Saga of Jacob (or Jared).

The End.




Thursday, November 7, 2019

The worst date I've ever been on: Part 5 and 6

Chapter 5
The Date, Part 1

The day of the date came. I hadn't heard from him all day, so I honestly had no idea what movie we were seeing, what time we were going at, if I should eat dinner, etc.

I sat at home, doing the dishes, when the phone rang.

"Hey," he said. "I'll be by in like, an hour to pick you up. Okay?"

"Okay," I said, hiding my annoyance.

I really like my day planned out in advance, so this really annoyed me.

"And I was thinking, what if we went on a hike instead of seeing a movie?"

I looked down at my outfit. I had just gotten home from work, where I dressed professionally. The rest of my clothing was packed, because I was moving back down to college in a couple of days.

Not to mention that being alone in nature with this guy was far too sketchy for me, especially by how angry my gut got at me when he first asked me out.

". . . I'd rather do a movie."

"But come on! The sunset will be really pretty!" he said.

"I'm in a skirt and flats," I explained.

"It's not a hike! It's a nature walk!"

"No," I said, finally learning to stand my ground.

"Ugh, fine," he said sourly. "I'll see you soon."

I hung up the phone and gripped the edge of the sink, pleading to God to give me strength.

Image result for lord beer me strength gif
The hour had passed, and my phone rang again.

"Hey, I can't find your house," he said.

I wasn't too surprised. I was staying at my parents house, which is on kind of an obscure street. I gave him directions to their street and said, "I'm at the house with the blue car in the driveway."

". . . I don't see a blue car . . ." he said.

"Okay, what street are you on?" I asked, assuming he had to be on the wrong one.

"No, I'm on the right street, I just don't see a blue car."

I literally put my head down on the counter.

"Well, I don't know what to tell you, cause my car is blue," I sighed into the phone.

"Okay, well, I think I'm here. You can come out," he said.

"Okay."

I said another prayer to God as I cursed myself for getting myself into this situation.

I walked outside, and he stood next to his car.

"I can see now that you car is blue," he said. "But it's so dirty it looks gray."

"Uh huh," I sighed, and he went over to the passengers side door to open it for me.

. . . and the car alarm went off as he did so.

Image result for the office car alarm gif

He frantically grabbed for his keys, silencing the alarm, and opening the door for me.

And with that, we were off.

We drove past a Korean restaurant.

"Man, that's the best Korean restaurant I've ever been to. We should go sometime," he said.

"Oh, I don't really like Korean food," I said.

"That's cause you haven't had good, authentic Korean food," he corrected me. "Anyone who doesn't like Korean food just hasn't had the right kind."

"No, I've had authentic Korean food —"

"No," he interrupted. "You haven't, else you would've liked it."

And with that, all the patience that had gotten me this far with him, was gone.

And.

I.

Lost it.

Image result for the office rage gif

"I HAVE BEEN TO KOREA," I snapped. "I HAVE HAD AUTHENTIC KOREAN FOOD, AND I DIDN'T LIKE IT."

". . .oh. . ."

(Okay, look. I've been to the Korea airport, where I had a smoothie, and I flew on Korean Airlines, where I had Korean airplane food. But I don't like Korean food, and I wasn't about to let him diminish my opinion again.)

It's like every ounce of patience I had with this kid left my body. I was done. I was so done dealing with him.

. . . but we were 5 minutes into the date.

So I mustered what little strength I had left and put it towards being polite.

He was silent for the next few minutes.

"So, how was work?" I asked.

"Ugh, horrible. I had to install insulation into a wall today," he said.

"Oh man, I've done that before, and it was awful. I'm sorry,"

"No, you don't even get it," he corrected me . . . again. "You haven't had to do it in 90 degree whether like I had to!"

"No, I actually did —,"

"And you haven't had to do it in the middle of the day when it's the hottest —," he interrupted me . . . again.

My turn to interrupt.

"YES I HAVE. I HAVE DONE IT IN THE HEAT OF THE DAY, IN 90 DEGREE WHETHER, PLUS HUMIDITY," I snapped once again.

" . . . oh . . ."

The movie theater couldn't come fast enough.

. . . but instead of pulling into the movie theater, he pulled into a candy store.

Which, alright, I'm chill with. I had been to this store before. I knew I liked it, and I knew exactly what I wanted.

"So, what would you like?" Jacob asked as we walked inside.

"Dark chocolate covered almonds," I replied.

"No, I think you should try this," he said, pointing at some sort of marshmallow thing.

"No, I don't like marshmallows. I wont like those."

"Oh, but you'll like this," he insisted, and ordered two before I could say anything else.

As he ordered them, he looked at the cashier and said, ". . . why aren't you wearing a uniform?"

"Oh, we don't actually need to wear a uniform here," the cashier responded.

Jacob scowled and said, "Well, at the other location I go to, they wear uniforms."

The guy looked mortified, and just shrugged.

"HEY MAN I LIKE YOUR SHIRT," I yelled, trying to ease the tension.

Jacob walked around, looking at the candy that was displayed.

"Do you have [certain treat I can no longer remember]?" he asked the cashier.



"No, we don't carry that here, sorry," replied the cashier.

"What?!" he said, "They carry it at the other location."

Image result for the office chocolate gif

I can't remember what the cashier said in response to this, but I was CRINGING.

Jacob came back up to me and said, "What else do you want?"

"Dark chocolate covered almonds."

"No, I think you should try this," he said, pointing to some caramel, pretzel thing.

"That doesn't look good to me. I just want my dark chocolate covered almonds," I said.

"No, you'll like it. It's really good," he said.

"You can get them, but I'm not gonna eat it," I said . . . . . . . and he ordered two.

Jacob smiled at me as if he had just done the nicest thing ever and said, "Anything else?"

"Dark. Chocolate. Covered. Almonds."

"But that's so boring," he exclaimed.

Ah! Good! Another insult!

I'm 90 percent sure I rolled my eyes.

Image result for the office eyeroll gif

I walked up to the cashier and asked for my stupid dark chocolate covered almonds.

Jacob paid for the sweets, and we began walking over to the movie theater.

"This date is turning out to be more expensive than I planned," he said, then looked at me. "But you're worth it."

GUYS. I CANNOT EXPRESS TO YOU HOW ANNOYED I WAS.

HE HAD LITERALLY JUST BOUGHT UNNECESSARY FOOD THAT I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT. AND THEN HE TALKS ABOUT HOW EXPENSIVE IT IS?! I'M SURE HE WAS TRYING TO IMPRESS ME, BUT I WAS NOT IMPRESSED. I WAS JUST ANNOYED.

We walked into the movie theater and sat down. He handed me the marshmallow and the pretzel thing he had bought for me after I said I wouldn't like them. I took a bite of each, then said, "You can finish mine. I don't like them."

"Then why did I bother buying them?!" he said.

Image result for the office scream gif

Oh, man, I was about ready to scream.

But the movie was starting, so I munched on my dark chocolate covered almonds instead.

Chapter 6
The Date: Part II

I didn't particularly enjoy the movie. All my friends who have seen it like it, so I'm left to assume I don't like it because I was sitting next to Mr. dark-chocolate-covered-almonds-are-boring-and-your-opinions-are-stupid the entire time.

The movie finished, and I was grateful he hadn't tried to pull a move on me. As the credits rolled, a remix of a song by The Beatles began to play. Being the huge Beatles fan I am, I began to sing quietly along.

"I don't recognize this song," Jacob said.

"The original is by The Beatles," I said.

"Oh, I hate The Beatles."

It took everything within my power not to call him, or his opinion, stupid (like he had done to me SO MANY TIMES).

He began driving me back to my house, and the one-upping stories began.

Now, here's the thing. Usually, with one-uppers, I let them win. I don't care. They can think they're better than me. It's fine.

But with Jacob?

Oh, I was not about to let that happen.

And here's the thing: 90% of the time, when he wanted to one-up me, I was just trying to relate to him! Ugh, it was so annoying.

Anyway.

I don't know how we got started on the topic, but I mentioned that, after I had gotten back from my religious mission, I was very tired all the time.

"You don't even know," he said, which seemed to be one of his favorite phrases. Because I, apparently, knew nothing. "Try having a 16 hour flight back from Korea."

". . . I literally did that—,"

"No, your flight was like, 4 hours."

Again, all patience I had previously had with this kid was GONE, and I snapped, "I LITERALLY TRAVELED FOR 23 HOURS COMING BACK FROM SINGAPORE."

". . .oh. . ." he said. "Well, I traveled for longer than that coming back from Australia."

I can't remember how I responded to that, but then he said, "You don't even know. I came back from Australia when it was winter here and summer there."

"I LITERALLY DID THE SAME THING. I WENT TO NEW ZEALAND IN JANUARY AND CAME BACK WHEN IT WAS STILL WINTER."

That was a lie. I came back in April. But I just wanted to one-up him because he had killed all patience in my body.

. . . I think I still haven't regained all the patience I had before this date.

Image result for the office patience gif

Anyway, we finally get to my house, and he walks me to my door. At some point, we had begun talking about school, and how he was in various science classes.

"I'm a feminist, but," he said as we walked to my door, and I knew this was gonna be good. "Women just aren't as good at math and science as men are. Like the girls in my science class just aren't as good as the men are.

"But I'm a feminist," he reassured me.

"Mmmmmm," I responded.

Image result for the office feminism gif

All my energy was gone. I knew I couldn't convince this guy otherwise. His arrogance made him untouchable to reality and me going on a feminist tangent wasn't going to pop his balloon brain.

I unlocked the door.

"Okay, well, I'll see you on Sunday—."

And he kept talking.

And talking.

And talking.

And talking.

I literally had the door open.

I was literally standing inside.

I WAS LITERALLY SLOWLY CLOSING THE DOOR IN HIS FACE.

AND HE JUST. KEPT. TALKING.



I don't even remember what it was about now.

I probably wasn't even listening.

Finally, with the door open half an inch, I said, "Okay I'm gonna go bye."

And closed the door.
Image result for michael scott closing door in face gif

Now, this may be the end of the date, but it wasn't the end of my interactions with him.

The next blog post will cover the aftermath, and what this experience taught me.

Wednesday, November 6, 2019

The worst date I've ever been on: Part 3 and 4

Chapter 3
Mansplaining

This is just . . . it gives you an idea of the kind of kid I was dealing with. 

It had been a few weeks since I had cancelled our date, and it had yet to be rescheduled. I wasn't complaining. I thought maybe he wouldn't ask me out again . . . except he was still flirting with me. And I quickly found out his way of "flirting" was actually just insulting.

He called me stupid for liking heat over cold, stupid for having an iPhone, and stupid because I had never gone skiing.

Cause, you know, I always melt over a guy who insults me. 

I had stopped flirting with him. I stopped engaging in conversation with him, but he was relentless. 

As I mentioned in Chapter 1, there's a lot of things I did back then that I wouldn't do now. Putting up with his crap is one of those things. 

One day, he sat next to me during church. Now, to prevent myself from falling asleep in church, I color. I have a plethora of adult coloring books and twisty crayons. So, I'm sitting there, coloring, and Jacob plops down next to me. 

". . . you hold your pencil wrong." 

Now, this isn't exactly news to me. I've been told before that I hold my pencil differently. But guess what? I'm still able to write/color just fine. 

"Oh, I know," I said, and kept coloring. 

"Let me show you how to hold your pencil." 

"No thanks," I said. 

"No, let me show you," he said AND HE GRABBED FOR MY TWISTY CRAYON WHILE I WAS USING IT.

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I yanked it away from his hand and said, "You know, writing this way has been working really well for me for the past 20 years, okay?!" 

"No, just let me show you how to hold it!" 

He grabbed for my pencil AGAIN. 

"NO." I said. 

"No, I'll show you how to hold it!" 

"Fine," I grumbled angrily, and handed him my twisty crayon. 

He positioned it in his hand and said, "See?" 

"Great," I said, and snatched my twisty crayon back, and went right back to how I was holding it. 

Image result for olivia benson eye roll gif

I just . . . I couldn't deal with it.

I told my coworker about it the next week, and his response was, "Okay, that's the worst case of mansplaining I have ever heard of." 

". . . oh my gosh it totally is!" 

But I still wasn't done dealing with his mansplaining.


Chapter 4
The Wedding Reception

I have to say, I admire this man's persistence. I certainly don't have the kind of dedication he does. It'll probably get him far in life.

I was at church again, heading towards the main room, when I turned the corner and BOOM, there was Jacob.

"Hello," he said.

"Hi."

"I was wondering, would you like to hang out this weekend?"

I had come to the conclusion that I would just have to go out with this kid to get him to stop asking me to 'hang out' with him.

"Honestly, I'm pretty busy. What day were you thinking?"

"Oh - what are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm going to a wedding reception on Friday, and on Saturday—"

"Oh! Whose is it?"

"A friend from my religious mission...."

"Okay, I'll go with you!"

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I was stunned that he had just invited himself to a random wedding reception, and tried to tell him 'no' in a round-about way.

"Well I'm carpooling with two of my friends there," I said.

"Oh, I can meet you there. Where is it?"

"Provo - and honestly I think it'd be awkward if you came because . . . well, I'm going to be hanging out with my friends, and you don't know them."

"But if I come, people at the reception won't ask you why you're not married or dating anyone!"

". . . . they already don't ask me that," I said.

And I don't want them asking if WE'RE dating. . . I thought to myself.

"They do at the ones I go to," he huffed. "Anyway, do you want to carpool, or want me to meet you there?"

Again. His persistence will get him far in life. Just not in this case.

"Honestly, I think it would be uncomfortable for me if you came," I said.

"That's fine - I can meet you there."

Oh dear goodness. 

"No," I reiterated. "I'd feel uncomfortable if you came."

"What?" he asked.

I wasn't sure if he didn't actually hear me, of if he just didn't understand.

". . .It would be uncomfortable if you came. I feel uncomfortable . . . with you."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes."

"Oh, okay. That's fine," he said, disappointed.

Guilty Carmen came in and I sputtered, "But we can hang out after if you want!"

Dang it. 

Thankfully, he declined, and my friends and I at the wedding reception had a good laugh about it that weekend.

The next week, I was back at church, and once again, he cornered me.

"Hello," he said.

"Hi."

"Would you like to go on a date with me this weekend?" he asked.

"Yes," I said, in pure shock that he actually said 'date.'

I'm not even kidding when I say 'shock.' Cause it's like I had an out-of-body experience saying 'yes.' I just wasn't even aware that I said it. It just came out. I just blurted it out. Just . . . yes.

"Great!" he said, "How about Saturday?"

"Friday would work better."

"Okay. Would you like to do a movie or a walk?"

This time I knew better than to say 'either,' and so I said, "A movie."

"Okay, we'll go see a movie. I'll text you more details."

And with that, he walked away.

The inevitable date had finally been set up.

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And it was gonna be a doozy.

Tuesday, November 5, 2019

The worst date I've ever been on: Part 2

Chapter 2
The Petty King

It was the next day. I had arrived at church and was making my way to the second hour of it: Sunday School. 

I sat down, when Jared (or Jacob? I can't remember the code name I gave for him) walked in. He stared at me, and started doing that thing where he rubs his two pointer fingers together. 

You know, like: 

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I stared at him. 

". . . what?" I asked, as he repeated the hand gesture. 

"Shame on you." 

I furrowed my brow. 

"I'm not sorry," I said, cause I wasn't. 

"Well shame on you." 

I shrugged and said, "Okay." 

He was just proving to me the bullet I dodged. 

Jared moved to the front of the class because, as fate would have it, he was teaching Sunday School that day. 

The lesson began, and he asked for a comment. I raised my hand to offer one. 

And the bro made eye contact with me . . . and called on someone else. . .  while maintaining eye contact with me. 

I was confused, hoping that he hadn't just done what I thought he had done. 

He asked for another comment. 

I raised my hand again.

And he - once again - made eye contact with me, and called on someone else. 

"Oh he did not just do that," I mumbled to myself.

After that, whenever he asked for a comment, I raised my hand, whether or not I actually had something to say. I just wanted to challenge him.

And guess what happened? 

He ignored me every. single. time. 

My arm was tired, but I raised it nonetheless. 

I felt like freaken Hermione Granger. 

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After about 15 minutes of doing this, he — once again — made eye contact with me, and called on someone else. 

"Rude," muttered the woman next to me. 

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"I know right?" I said. "I'm not making this up, right? He's ignoring me?" 

"Oh he totally is." 

He asked for another comment. I raised my hand. NO ONE ELSE HAD THEIR HAND RAISED. And you know what he did? He looked at me, and while making eye contact, called on someone else WHO DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THEIR HAND RAISED TO MAKE A COMMENT. 

"Oh my gosh," I said. 

"Ridiculous," said the woman next to me. 

She became my new best friend. 

Thankfully, this time, a good amount of people laughed, cluing him in that what he was doing was obvious to everyone.

"Okay, Carmen, do you have something to say?" he said. 

"Yes, I do," I said, and pulled some comment out of my butt. 

I kept my tired arm down the rest of class. 

I thought I was done with him.

But there was more to come. 

Monday, November 4, 2019

The worst date I've ever been on: Part 1

I've tried writing out this story so many times. Each time, I get so exhausted. It's a good story, but it is LONG. And it's so frustrating, I get drained partway through telling it.

This took place 4 years ago. I was young (I mean, I know I still am, but . . . still), and I did a lot of things in this situation that I would no longer do. That's partly why I hate telling this story. There was so much I should've done that I didn't do. But it's okay, because this experience taught me a lot.

Anyway.

I've broken this story into parts, and each post will be one part of the story. Hopefully, I'll actually be able to finish the story and you all can enjoy this painful, painful experience for me.

So, without further ado,

This is the story of the worst date I have ever been (and will ever be) on:

Chapter 1.
The shortest chapter

I met Jacob at church (name has been changed). He was pretty attractive, though looking back now, I don't know what I saw in him, because he really isn't my type. He was kind of funny, kind of nerdy.

One day, I was feeling bold, and approached him after church and began flirting with him. I was hinting that he should ask for my number, and lo and behold, he actually asked for my number!

I happily gave it to him, then walked away . . .

Feeling absolutely sick to my stomach.

I had never experienced this before (and I haven't experienced it since), and I don't know if ya'll have either, but I walked away just thinking, "I should not have done that. I do not feel good about this."

Image result for hagrid i should not have said that gif 

But I didn't know how to get out of the situation. So, I walked away hoping he'd chicken out of asking me out or something.

A few hours later, I was awoken from a nap by an unknown number calling me, and dread filled me. I knew it was him, and I knew I had to answer and get it over with.

"Hello?" I said.

"Hi Carmen. It's Jacob."

"Hi."

"How are you?" he asked.

"I'm good."

"Good!"

. . . . . .
. . . . . .
. . . . . .
. . . . . .
. . . . . .

"So, what's up?" I asked, finally breaking the silence.

"I was wondering if you'd like to hang out on Saturday?"


I rolled my eyes.

Image result for liz lemon eye roll

Okay, now look. Asking people on dates is nerve wracking, intimidating and hard. I've done it, I hate it, I get it. But it still bugs me when people say "hang out" instead of "date."

Not to mention my stomach started to fill with extreme dread upon hearing these words.

But I didn't know how to get out of this situation. I had flirted with him, hinted that he should ask for my number, had given him. I felt awkward. How could I turn him down?

If this situation had happened to me now, I would've said, "Hey look, I'm sorry, I thought I was interested but I'm not. I want to be upfront with you and let you know that. Thanks for asking, but I'm gonna say no."

But I didn't hadn't yet learned that it's okay to say no to dates.

In fact, this would be the experience that taught me that it's okay to say no to dates. Sure, it may sting, but at least they're saving money, ammiright?

Anyway, instead of turning him down like I should've, I said, ". . . Okay."

"Great! What would you like to do?"

I repeat: I know asking someone on a date is hard, intimidating and nerve wracking. You also want to make sure you do an activity that the other person likes, and sometimes you're not entirely sure what they'd be into.

. . . . . but I also hate when they ask me what I'd want to do. You asked me. At least come up with a couple options!

Which is (kind of, not really) what I said.

"What are my options?" I asked.

"I was thinking we could watch a movie, or go for a hike!" he said.

"Oh - um, I'm fine with either."

"Okay! Let's do both!" he exclaimed.

"O-okay." I said, when really I was thinking, 'BOTH?! FOR A FIRST DATE?! HOW BOUT NO?!'

Image result for liz lemon no


"O-okay." I said, when really I was thinking, 'BOTH?! FOR A FIRST DATE?! HOW BOUT NO?!'

So, the conversation ends, and I hand up feeling even more dread. My gut was telling me to run, but I didn't know how to get out of the situation.

The day of the date came, and I was still filled with dread. I didn't want to go, and my gut was screaming at me repeatedly not to.

 I was eating lunch with my friend, expressing my frustration to her.

"I just don't want to go, but I don't know how to get out of the situation," I said.

"How about this," she said. "You tell him that I'm having a panic attack, and you need to cancel."

"I don't know . . ." I said, thought my brain was saying, 'YES.'

"Either that, or I can actually put myself into a panic attack and you can stay with me --."

"Don't do that," I said, taking out my phone. "I'll cancel."

'Hey,' I typed out in a text to him, 'I'm with a friend and she's having a panic attack. I'm going to have to reschedule for another time, because I want to be with her and make sure she's okay.'

'Okay, that's fine :) ' he responded.

'Thanks for understanding. See you at church tomorrow!'

Relief filled me. It's like my body and gut were thanking me. I thanked my friend, and we spent the rest of the evening Jacob-free.


But that's not the end of this story.

Friday, August 23, 2019

Watching the last episode of a show with zero context: Breaking Bad

Hey, I had the same disclaimer on the one below and I'm putting it on this one, too. I'm too lazy to edit this. So I apologize for all spelling/grammar errors. Forgive me. 


Hey readers.

For those of you who don't know, I'm starting a new, temporary series on this blog in which I watch just the very last episode/movie of a series I've never seen\. I need to come up with a clever name for it. If you come up with something, let me know.

This week, I logged onto Netflix to see that the one and only Breaking Bad was now streaming. And, admittedly, I got a pretty excited because this show was pretty popular when I was in high school. So, it seemed like the perfect candidate for my blog.

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I actually know a decent amount about Breaking Bad, because I watched the first episode five years ago. And I was scarred by how dark it was, because I had just gotten back from a religious mission and was still an avid Jesus follower and hadn't watched anything dark. I mean, I'm still an avid Jesus follower, but I've also seen episodes of American Horror Story and The Walking Dead and stuff. I'm desensitized.

So here's what I know/remember about the show:

A chemistry teacher gets diagnosed with cancer (I think lung cancer). He's super poor, I believe.
He teams up with an old student of his to start making meth. His student puts Dorito powder in his meth.
The chemistry teacher comes up with a scientifically amazing way to create meth. He and his student start a meth lab in a mobile home?
Some sketchy stuff happens, some guys with guns track them down, he does some sort of concoction that explodes and he's able to escape, he's in the middle of nowhere New Mexico and thinks he's about to get caught but doesn't so he decides to keep making meth.
Am I right?
Oh and I believe he has an autistic son.

I went on a bad date once, and the guy told me that the final shot in the series is amazing, and that the man character dies.

So . . . yes. The chemistry teacher dies. I think his student might too? Or there's an open ending with the student.

So, without further ado, here's my thought process as I watched the last episode of Breaking Bad with very little context: 

Only five seasons? I thought there was more. Didn't the same people who did Walking Dead do this show? Wy couldn't htey have finished that at a reasonable amount of seasons?

55 minutes long? Ugh.

Okay, he's in a snowy car. So . . . he's not in New Mexico anymore?

He's shaking BAD. This is either cancer, meth, or . . . some plot point I don't know about yet.

Okay, so, it appears as if this isn't his car? He just found it? And he managed to find the keys which were hidden in the worst place ever? (Under the visor.)

Okay now there's no snow. He must be back in New Mexico. Or near there. Where was he? Oh, the license plate says New Hampshire. Okay. Geez how long of a drive is that?

Oh, that's a lotta money. Drug dealing DOES get you godo money, I hear.

He's on the phone, saying he's a journalist from the New York Times. I'm pretty sure that's a lie.

They have payphones still? What time period does this take place in?

Who are the Schwartz?! Is that him?

Cut scene to fancy house. I bet these people are drug dealers.

Chem teacher is at fancy house. And just waltzed on in. Why did they leave their front door unlocked?? They live in a MANSION and probably deal DRUGS. You don't leave your door unlocked! I mean, I live in a dinky apartment and don't deal drugs and I leave my door locked all the time.

How have they not noticed him? Has anyone every just walked into my home without me noticing and walked around?

Wow okay Elliott is holding a knife VERY shakily to Walt (they've said their names so I gathered that info). If you're gonna threaten someone physically, do it convincingly.

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Who is Gretchin? WHY IS HE GIVEN THEM ALL THIS MONEY?

9 MILLION 720 DOLLARS?!

Oh that's nice, he's leaving it to his son.

Oh this dude's smart.

And surprisingly charitable for a drug dealer. I mean, I've never knowingly conversed with a drug deal-- oh, no I have. Okay yeah they were nice too. Just . . . it's 9 million dollars, man.

WAIT WHAT IS GOING ON. WHY ARE THERE RED DOTS SIGNALING A SNIPER RIFLE??

Image result for breaking bad series finale money gif

Okay this dude is smart but . . . . . . lawful evil. Oh man I'm freaked out FOR them.

Also, do insanely rich people dress that fancy all the time? I feel like I wouldn't, but what would I know?

Okay so those weren't guns? Clever.

Chaotic evil.

Or lawful evil?

Oh, oh is Jesse the student?

Why did the scene just switch to what looks like a commercial for depression medication?

Walt's eating bacon. I want bacon.

Pretty sure they just showed a flashback to the first episode, and I'm now remembering that his wife's brother is a cop.

Man, Walt is good at/loves dramatic entrances.

I know this is probably the third time I've typed this already but he is SMART.

Okay so now his (ex?) wife know's he's in town and this chick is like "MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T KILL YOU" but didn't he just like, say he still loves her ten minutes ago??

Oh, look. Another dramatic entrance made my Walt. I don't think I've ever made a dramatic entrance in my LIFE, and this guy has managed to make three in less than 24 hours. Impressive. That, right there, is dramatic entrance goals.

Image result for breaking bad series finale gif

"Trade that for a deal with the prosecutor and you get yourself out of this."

OUT OF WHAT?! IS SHE INVOLVED IN THE DRUGS TOO??

She looks a lot younger than I thought she would.

Awwwww babbyyyyyy. Okay I'm assuming that's his baby girl. She looks, like, two. So -- wait is that guy on Walking Dead? Oh, no, he's not.

K seriously when does this take place. One minute I think it's the early 2000's, the next I think it's the 70's.

Ugh this show is extremely show moving and hard to watch -- probably because I have zero idea what's going on and who any of these characters are.

Ooohhhh he wanted Jesse to die, ey? I wonder why.

Oh, Jesse does not look good. I mean, I guess that's what meth does to you. But, still. I've met a good deal of methers in my life and he does not look good for one. I mean it probs has to do partly with the fact that he's chained up, but . . .

OH HOLY CRAP. THE CAR IS SHOOTING AT THEM. I REPEAT, THE CAR, IS SHOOTING, AT THEM.

Image result for breaking bad series finale gif

Oddly enough I find the most unrealistic part of this scene is how many bullets that gun has, and also that it was able to penetrate the wall. But mostly how many bullets that gun has.

Awww why's he killing that dude? That dude seemed nice. He looked like my ex's roommate who was real nice. I felt connected to this character. Why'd he have to die? Oh, this is a gruesome death too.

However, for a show that was created by the same people who did the Walking Dead, I'm surprised their haven't been more gruesome deaths.

Seriously why do Walt and Jesse hate each other?

Okay, but, granted, meth doesn't exactly bring people together . . .

Also who were all these people he just shot?

TODD. That's the name of the nice guy that I don't think needed to die. Cause he looked like -- oh no, he poisoned her. Wonder what she did to him. Lydia, that's her name. He poisoned Lydia, guys! Did she deserve to die? I literally have no idea. Someone tell me. Also, since she now knows she's poisoned, can she do something about it or is she just a lost cause?

Image result for breaking bad series finale gif

Alright so Jesse's alive. Looks like that's an open ended ending for Jesse.

Do slamming through gate doors while driving really work like that?

Pretty sure Jesse laughing while driving is a meme I've seen.

Image result for breaking bad series finale gif

Oh, snap. Walt got shot.

Wait, when? When the car was shooting at him?

Based on the fact that it's showing that gun while showing his wound, I'd say, yeah. He got himself shot. Sucks, brah.

How did the cops know he was there? Who called them?

Oh, here's the 'cool shot' that bad date guy told me about. I gotta say, it's not as great of a shot as I thought it would be. That's disappointing.


Okay, final thoughts:

........honestly, I found it boring. I expected it to be action packed, and it was just full of . . . conversations and dramatic entrances. It probably would have been more impactful if I had actually seen the show. But, like, literally. What did any of that mean? And what was his wife involved in that she'd need a prosecutor? I'm so . . . . . . unsatisfied.