Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Foot in Mouth

Guys. I hate how much I put my foot in my mouth. Seriously?! HOW CAN SOMEONE BE SO AWKWARD?! And then when I try to fix/justify what I just said? It's like pouring gasoline on a fire I already started.

The following are conversations in which I stuck my foot in my mouth (Figuratively. Not literally. Though literally sticking my foot in my mouth probably would've been a better response than what I actually said.) :

Girl I just met: What's he look like?
Friend 1: Blonde hair and blue eyes.
Girl I just met: I LOVE blonde hair and blue eyes!
Me: Hey! So did Hitler!

Friend 1: I'm Kelsey.
Me: I'm Carmen.
Friend 2's Fiance: Very cool! How do you two know each other?
Me: Oh, from high school.
Kelsey: We're high school sweet hearts.
Me: Yup.
Friend 2: So . . . when did you guys get back from your missions?
Me: Oh, the same week. Kelsey was waiting at the airport for me. *Grabs Kelsey's hand* Like a good girlfriend.
I froze as I saw the strange look forming on Friend 2 and her Fiance's face.
Me: I mean . . . we're not lesbian. It's just a joke. I like men! They're really attractive! I mean, YOU'RE really attractive. Well -- no. I mean, I'm not into you. You're hers. I'm just saying. I'm not a lesbian!
(Well . . . that certainly helped things. . .)
We continued to talk, then as Friend 2 and her fiance left, he said to us, "Good to meet you both! And I'm glad you're not a lesbian!"
Me: Hey! I'm glad I'm not a lesbian too! And . . . nice to meet you too!

I entered an elevator.
Other man in elevator: Floor four?
Me: Yup.
Other man in elevator stifles a laugh.
Me: . . . Did you ask which floor?
Man: Yes.
He burst out laughing.
I punched the number four button.
Me: Sorry. Thought you said floor four. Guess not. But. HEY! You're going on floor four too. That's good. It's a good floor.

I walked into a room that had a TON of flowers.There were about three people commenting on how beautiful they looked.
And then . . .
Me: Oh wow. It looks like a funeral home in here.

Friend 1: Did you know Virginia is for lovers?
I look at the car in front of us, and saw a bumper sticker donning those exact words.
Me: We should go to Virginia and tell people we're lovers AND cousins.

I knocked on my roommates door. I didn't know this roommate well at all, and I thought she hated me. But, she had had a guest, and I went to go give her what the person left for her.
I knocked on her door, and she beckoned me in.
Me: OH! HEY! I like your poster. And your bedspread. And your shirt! And your hair! So um. Here's this for you. Nick brought it by. I thought you weren't home. But I think you actually were. Anyway. Goodnight! I like that poster, too. And that lamp. And your bookcase. And shoes. Bye!

 It was the day of cleaning checks. I fell asleep in my underwear. The next morning, I woke up to my landlord knocking on my bedroom door.
It was pure shock. I sat straight up, gripping my blanket to my chin.
Female Landlord: Um. Hello. You sighed up for cleaning checks?
Me: *My head is still in a daze as I attempt to wake up.* YES. YEAH. I cleaned the kitchen!
Female Landlord: Okay . . . I'm gonna go check it.
Me: YEAH! Okay, I'm um . . .
I sunk further under the blankets
Me: . . . gonna get dressed.
Female Landlord: *Nods slowly* Yes . . . getting dressed is good.

Me: How are you?
Friend 1: Oh . . . I could be better.
Me: Well you could be worse, too!

Coworkers were all have a friendly chat about weight.
Me: I once knew a man who weighed 400 lbs. Actually, I think he just died recently because of his weight.
. . . . . . . . .
Coworker: Well. Way to kill the conversation, Carmen.
Me: I'm just sayin'!

Coworker: Don't get back in your car while filling it up with gas. It could create static electricity, which in turn could cause and explosion while starting the car.
Me: Do you remember that sniper in DC like . . . forever ago?
Coworker: Yeah.
Me: People got in their cars while filling up gas!
. . . . .
Me: Cause. . .you know . . . people were getting shot at gasoline pumps! So . . . it was safer for them.
Coworker: Well. This took a dramatic turn.

There are countless others of these stories, I assure you. So, if you ever feel bad about something you said, just remember, "You could be worse, too."

Have an awkward day, everyone!

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