Saturday, June 16, 2018

Here's to hope -- Why 2018 has sucked

If this post were to be made into a book, here's what you would read on the back cover:

I didn't expect to get a boyfriend my last year of undergrad.

And when I did, I didn't expect to fall in love.

And when we fell in love, I didn't expect us to break up.

And when we broke up, I didn't expect him to start dating someone else less than a month later.

And when he started dating someone else less than a month later, I didn't expect her to move in downstairs from me.

And when she moved in downstairs from me, I didn't expect them to get engaged.

And when they got engaged, I didn't expect them to get married on the anniversary of the day we began dating.

That's a sum up of the story. You can stop here if you'd like, or you can continue and read on and get more juicy details.

So without further ado, here is the story of why 2018 has been my own, personal hell.

I didn't expect to get a boyfriend my senior year of college. 

And I was thrilled when it happened.
It only took 24 years to get my first kiss.
It only took 24 years to finally start dating someone seriously; something I remember looking forward to as early as age 5.
So I treasured every minute of it.

And when I did, I didn't expect to fall in love. 

I feel stupid now that I did.
And if I knew what was coming, I wouldn't have let myself.
#HindsightIs2020
We had casual discussions about getting married.
And I got my hopes up and believed it would happen.
Like the stupid fool I am.
And if I knew what was going to happen, I wouldn't have even put it on the table.
#HindsightIs2020

And when we fell in love, I didn't expect us to break up. 

We ended on good terms.
It was mutual. We knew that marriage wasn't right for us.
I still respected him.
I still do.
I felt good about it . . . at the moment.
And then loneliness and discouragement began to settle in.

And when we broke up, I didn't expect him to start dating someone else less than a month later. 

And then loneliness must've began to settle in for him.
Because the next thing I knew, my roommate saw him holding hands with another girl.
And my heart broke once again.
I felt betrayed.
If he had truly loved me, why would he move on so quickly?
Depression settled in.
It was a depression I had never experienced before.
It was more intense than it had ever been.
Was this heartbreak?
My thoughts became anxious.
I became self critical.
I'm unlovable.
I'm not loved.
I'm not unique.
I'm worthless.
I'm unwanted.
Nobody needs me.
I'm replaceable.
I'm replaceable.
I'm replaceable.
Nobody needs me.
I'm unwanted.
I'm not unique.
I'm not loved.
I'm unlovable.
Over.
And over.
And over.
Again.
And again.
And again.

And when he started dating someone else less than a month later, I didn't expect her to move in downstairs from me.

And when she did, I met her.
She seemed nice.
And my sadness lingered.
I'm replaceable.
Nobody needs me.
I'm unwanted.
I'm not unique.
I'm not loved.
I'm unlovable.
I began to see both of them more.
Not just in person, but on social media.
I did everything I could to get these thoughts out of my head.
Therapy, blocking both of them on social media to remove the temptation to look them up, praying, fasting, medication, talking to friends, etc. etc. etc.
But then I'd see them again, and the thoughts would start again.
I was in so, so much pain and mental anguish.
Life didn't seem worth living anymore.
I had nothing to live for.
And I was replaceable, after all.
And so I checked myself into the E.R.

And when she moved in downstairs from me, I didn't expect them to get engaged.

He contacted my best friend, asking her if he should tell her himself.
She contacted my other best friend, asking what to say.
She contacted my sister, asking if they should tell me.
I had gone to the E.R. just a week earlier.
I was feeling better.
I was feeling happy.
But happiness, as I've learned, is an incredibly fragile thing.
Especially in the hands of a heartbroken girl plagued with depression and anxiety.
My sister called and told me.
My best friends called and checked in on me.
They told me 20 minutes before my therapy session.
I broke down in tears, and didn't stop crying until an hour and a half later, when I left therapy.
I felt grateful.
I was blessed with people who cared for me.
Multiple friends checked in on me.
Maybe I was loved.
Maybe I was lovable.
And maybe I was needed.
And even though I still have zero idea what my future holds, maybe it's worth living to find out.

And when they got engaged, I didn't expect them to get married on the anniversary of the day we began dating. 

I asked my best friend to find out when they were getting married.
She did, and she told me.
And by this point, I just had to laugh.
He never remembered our anniversary anyway, so I know this wasn't intentional.
But I definitely still had to laugh.
Because the universe is just having fun with this sick, twisted prank it's pulling on me.
You can stop now, universe.
And every time I think "okay, this is the worse it will get. It can't get any worse."
Something like this happens.
So I'm excited to see what the next story to this chapter will be.
Because I wouldn't have imagined any of this happening.
I literally could not make any of this up.
And yet, here I am.
Living across the hall from my ex boyfriends fiance who he started dating less than a month after we broke up while they plan on getting married on the anniversary of the day he and I began to date.
My life is the plot of a bad rom com.
And, to be honest, I've given up on it getting any better.

Here's to hope.

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