Thursday, April 25, 2019

Watching the last episode of a series with zero context: XOXO: Gossip Girl

Hey friends.

For those of you who don't know, I'm starting a new, temporary series on this blog in which I watch just the very last episode/movie of a series I've never seen\. I need to come up with a clever name for it. If you come up with something, let me know.

Now, when I first announced (that sounds so official) that I was doing this, I had a lot of people tell me to watch Gossip Girl.

Image result for xoxo gossip girl gif


So, that's exactly what I did.

Before I sat down and watched it, I wrote this intro and a summary of what I knew about Gossip Girl before watching the final episode.

Here's that summary:

What I know about 'Gossip Girl' without ever seeing an episode of it
By: Carmen

Blake Lively is in it. At least I think that's her name. That pretty blonde chick is in it.

There's some brunette and two attractive men as her costars.

I BELIEVE they're getting emails or notes from a 'gossip girl' and they don't know who it is? I believe I read somewhere after the show ended that it's a dude sending the emails/writing the notes???

OR 'xoxo gossip girl' is what one of the characters signs her diary with?

I know everyone sleeps with each other.

I THINK the characters are supposed to be in high school? Or maybe that's Pretty Little Liars.

Pretty sure it used to air on CW.

Aaaaaaand that's it. That's all I know about 'Gossip Girl.'

So without further ado:

My thought process whilst watching the series finale of 'Gossip Girl' without ever seeing an episode of it.
By: Carmen

Alright, here we go.

Only six seasons? Wow I thought there was gonna be more.

Well I can tell already from the description that the identity of Gossip Girl is revealed, so I guess that's a 'no' on 'xoxo gossip girl' being the signature in a diary.

Pressing play.

Wow okay episode recaps are NOT helpful when you haven't seen any other episodes

Wait, is that the guy from 'You'? Is he as creepy in this as he is in 'You'? Oh actually I think he's douchey in this.

I bet the guy in the suit is 'gossip girl.'

Wow literally everyone is wearing a suit in this, so you guys have no idea who I'm talking about. It's the older guy.

Oh the older guy in the suit is literally hanging off the edge of the building now. I guess he's not Gossip Girl.

RIP older suit guy who isn't 'Gossip Girl.'

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Okay, okay. Recap done. Here we go.

Why does everyone dress so nicely?

"Tell the pilot I'm gonna need another moment?"
-- Blake Lively's character

Is that your own plane???? Another moment for what??? What is he gonna do??? I'm pretty sure pilots are under strict schedules.

Oh, Bart Bass is the one who died.

Who the heck are the Bass' and why are they so important?

Did they clime into the trunk of the limo with or without the driver knowing they were there?

"She's a minor."

SHE LOOKS FREAKEN 34.

Heyyy it's the 'inconceivable' guy from The Princess Bride.

"It's not like Blair and Chuck killed the man. Oh no, what???"

Technically he didn't. He fell off the freaken roof and they didn't help him. It's not like they pulled a Scar and Mufasa and threw him off the roof.

Oh no. Blake Lively, I don't know what yours and 'You' guy's relationship is . . . but don't go back to him. The recap portrayed him as a total duche bag.

. . . I can't tell if Blair is being serious with everything she says. Everything she says is so . . . over the top, and I think she's joking. Then she keeps going and I'm like, "Oh wait. She's . . . she's being serious. Okay."

"You guys should get married."

"OMG yes let's do it."

"I dunnooooo."

"Please?"

"Okay."

*Chuck proposes

*Blair sobs


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Me: WHY ARE YOU CRYING? YOU LITERALLY JUST TALKED ABOUT THIS TWO SECONDS AGO. THIS AIN'T NO SURPRISE.

I know very minimal about Blair, but I can't stand her.

Okay . . . so they used to be in school?? And they went together? How old were they? What school are we talking about? High school? College?

How is everyone wearing fancy clothes all the time?

Chuck: Let's get married.

Blair: Okay!

Chuck: Wait maybe not I dunno don't you want a wedding?

Blair: *nO i LoVe YoU

Who wrote Blair's dialogue? This is terrible. Does anyone else think it's terrible?

I think this suit guy is Gossip Girl.

WHY DOES EVERYONE WEAR A SUIT. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT.

oooOOOOoooohhhh William is in love with Ivy? And Mrs. Bass is, like, pissed about it? Didn't her husband just die two seconds ago?

Oh but he's the father of her kids?


Gossip Girl GIF

I'm . . . so confused right now.

THEY'VE BEEN FRIENDS SINCE HIGH SCHOOL?? THE FLASHBACK PARTY SCENE THEY SHOWED WAS THEM IN HIGH SCHOOL?? THEY LOOKED 24 AND WERE DRINKING CHAMPAGNE. TEENAGERS WHO UNDERAGE DRINK DO NOT CHOOSE TO UNDERAGE DRINK WITH CHAMPAGNE.

Why does everyone care about these people? They're rich . . . and what else?

Inconceivable guy: Blair and Chuck; stay out of sight.

Blair and Chuck: announce their engagement in a crowded museum where two teens see and probably two dozen others overhear them.

Blair and Chuck: Continue standing in very public places even though they know they're wanted fugitives.

Oh. 'You' guy's name is Dan.

Okay that's hilarious, because I knew this guy named Dan and he was a total douche bag and I'm pretty sure THIS Dan is a douche bag.

I hate Blair.

Oh. Shocking. The police are crashing the wedding. How unexpected to the plot.

I asked this once, I'll ask it again: why ---

Wait -- Kristin Bell is Gossip Girl?


Oh, no. She's not. IDK what she's doing.

Image result for final episode gossip girl review gif

Anyway. I asked this once, I'll ask this again: WHY DO PEOPLE CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE?!

Dan is Gossip Girl? I feel like people should've been able to figure that out sooner. Were people shocked by this? Am I just not shocked because this is the only episode I've seen?

"You posted about her loosing her virginity."

"She wanted me to."

Um....

Blake Lively is totally chill with Douche Bag Dan being Gossip Girl, who supposedly caused all this toxicity and drama?

Blake Lively characters is only fine with it cause she's love drunk.

"Oh he ruined our lives but it's fine. I'm fine."
- Blake Lively's character.

Dan and Blair are the woooorst.

Five years later . . .

Wait is this child Chuck and Blair's? Why does he look five? Oh, I guess this is five years in the future. What, did she have a honeymoon baby?

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WHY IS BLAKE LIVELY'S CHARACTER MARRYING DOUCHE BAG DAN???

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Was anyone else unhappy about this? Or is it just me because  I'm going off of solely one episode?

Why does everyone in this show - including people walking down the street - dress like they're going to some French boarding school? I legit have seen three people wearing beret in this show. NOBODY WEARS THOSE IN NEW YORK CITY. LET ALONE 14-YEAR-OLDS.

Okay, just finished.

Here's the questions I have:

Is Douche Bag Dan really a douche bag?

Who the heck was Ivy?

Why was Mrs. Bass in love with William? Didn't her husband just die? Was she cheating on him with William?

Why was she chill with William cheating on her with Ivy? I mean, I know she thought she was faking it BUT STILL.

Why am I so hung up on Ivy and William? They literally had a minute and a half long scene AT MOST.

Why is Blair so annoying?

WHY DOES EVERYONE CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE?!

XOXO - Carmen Girl

Thursday, April 18, 2019

The awkward column

I've written a couple of these before, and I have to say, they're some of my favorite blog posts to write. Basically, this (and past ones) are a summary of small awkward moments that aren't substantial enough to be their own blog post, but definitely deserve to be written about.

Poncho the Punk

I love my dog, Poncho. I really do. And he is a pain in the patootie sometimes. Most the time. All the time. And I love him. Except when he pee’s inside, which (for reason’s the vet and I still can’t pinpoint why) happens quite often.

One night, I was having a game night with some friends. I took Poncho out at his scheduled nighttime pee. After I got back to the apartment, I let him off the leash and, for reasons I STILL DON’T KNOW, he ran to my bedroom and peed on my desk.

Annoyed and discouraged, I yelled at him, leashed him back up and dragged him outside so he could pee again. Anger was instantly added to my annoyance and discouragement when I saw that it was snowing AND IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SPRINGTIME.

Image result for 30 rock bomb gif

As I walked Poncho down the sidewalk, I spotted a woman walking her short, fat dog towards us. Poncho, who demands all males to submit to him, began yanking hard on the leash. I restrained him, and moved to the snowy grass so as to avoid the fat dog, who was growling and yapping at Poncho.

The snow was slick, and Poncho became more and more difficult to resist. Then, he did his strongest yank yet, and I slid, falling into the snowy grass on my back.

At this point, defeat overwhelmed me, and I just sat there, lying still on my back, small tears trickling down my cheeks, as snow fell on my face and Poncho yanked on the leash, continuing to attempt to charge towards the dog.
The woman was making no effort to restrain her dog or walk it away from us, so I knew I had to get up and face my defeat. 

That's exactly what I did. The woman stood there, staring at me, her fat dog yapping at us as I stood up, yanked Poncho with bitterness back towards my apartment, where I walked inside with a sad look on my face and said, "He pulled me into the snoooowwww." 


The Golden State Killer podcast

Fun fact about me: I love serial killer podcasts. And books. And documentaries. Really, anything to do with true crime, I’m obsessed with.

Image result for the office serial killer gif

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So when my friend told me about a five part podcast all about the Golden State Killer? Oh man, I was all over that.

I began listening to it at work. Now, fun fact: the Golden State Killer would often call the phone numbers of his victims and torment them by saying stuff like, “I’m gonna kill you” and other scary, awful things.

Each podcast began with those creepy whispers of the Golden State Killer over the phone.

One day, I couldn’t hear the podcast after I pressed ‘play’ on my phone. I checked the screen. Sure enough, it was playing, so I turned the volume up on my phone.

“I’m gonna kiiiiill you….”

And that's when I realized, my headphones weren't plugged in.

“Oh, come on.”

I put my thumb on my phone for a fingerprint recognition so I could pause it. My phone rejected it.

You: wHy DiDnT yOu JuSt PlUg In YoUr HeAdPhOnEs?!

I DON'T KNOW, OKAY?!

The podcast continued on.

“I’m gonna kiiiiiill you…”

I replaced my thumb for a second try. Once again, my phone rejected it.

*Heavy breathing

“Okay, you know what?! You need to chill.”

By now, my nearby coworkers were eying me curiously.

“You’re going to diiiiiiiie…”

I typed in my passcode while mumbling, “Oh, shut up.”

And I quickly paused the podcast. My coworkers were still eyeing me. I plugged my headphones in and said, “Podcast. Nobody’s gonna actually die here.”

And we turned back to our work. 



The bomb threat

Speaking of work, there was a day a few months ago when someone emailed (or called??) in a bomb threat to a BUNCH of businesses, saying that there was a bomb in the building and they'd blow it up unless they transferred X amount of bitcoins to them.

One of the businesses that shares the same building as the company I work for was fortunate to receive this threat.

News spread fast, and the next thing I know, all my coworkers are rushing out of the building.

Image result for michael scott running gif


I looked around, confused, and my coworker approached me and said, "There's been a bomb threat. We're evacuating."

"Oh, for real?"

"Yeah."

I swung my purse over my shoulder and said, "Well, I mean, if it goes off before we leave the building, it'll at least be a fast death."

My boss — who walked by right as I said that — looked at me with a mix of fear over what was happening and horror over what I just said.

I shrugged.

"I'm not wrong."

FYI, the threat was fake and we went back inside 45 minutes later.



Greatest fear


Okay, so for about six months, I taught a Sunday School class once a month at church. Also once a month, all the Sunday School teachers would have a meeting together and discuss ways to improve our teaching, techniques we found that worked, etc.

All the teachers sat in a circle facing inward. The guy in charge stood up and said, “Okay, well, I think some of us are new here. Why don’t we go around and introduce ourselves? Say your name, your major and . . . let’s go with your greatest fear. Carmen, you first.”

He motioned towards me as he sat down, and I sat there, unsure of what to say. You see, I know exactly what my greatest fear is, but I wasn’t sure if I should actually share it.

“Okay, well, what kind of ‘greatest fear’ are we talking about, here?” I asked. “Because, like, I have a serious fears, but then I have not serious fears, and I don’t know which one we’re saying.”

Silence.

“Cause, like, I could say that my greatest fear in life are zombies, but I know they aren’t real,” I said, sputtering over my words. “But really, I have a massive fear of getting kidnapped, raped and forced into human trafficking. So, like, which greatest fear are we sharing? Zombies, or kidnapped, raped, human trafficking?”

Silence.

“Okay, well, I guess my greatest fear is being kidnapped, raped and forced into human trafficking,” I said to the silent crowd. “Oh, I’m Carmen by the way. Communications major.”


I flashed a peace sign, then looked at the kid next to me, thrilled to turn the attention to someone else.

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The next guy introduced himself and stated his major, then put his hands in his lap and solemnly bowed his head with a sad look on his face as he said, “I’m worried I won’t go to heaven.”

I did one of my best and biggest eye rolls and muttered to myself, “Oh brother.”

Image result for liz lemon eye roll


Because, no offense to this kid but, as a member of a religion that believes it’s difficult to NOT get into heaven . . . that fear is stupid.

It was the next kids turn.

“Hi, I’m Josh. I’m an engineering major and . . . I’d have to go with vampires. Vampires are my greatest fear.”

“THOSE AREN’T EVEN REAL!” I shouted, getting defensive, as I usually do when I feel dumb.

One by one, each teacher went by and said their stupid fear. I heard spiders, the dark and other cliche', small fears. At one point I even shouted, “Okay, you guys have to say you actual fears like I did. This ain’t fair.”

“I’m scared of not graduating!” piped up one kid.

“. . . okay, fine. I’ll give you that.”

Just then, a girl walked quickly through the door, holding a binder and looking disheveled.

“I’m so sorry I’m late,” she said. “I was organizing another meeting. What did I miss?”

“We’re going around and introducing yourselves. Say your name, major and greatest fear.”

The girl took a seat and organized herself while saying, “I’m Annie. Psychology major. My greatest fear is that my husband will pass away, and I won’t be able to care for my family.”

She looked up, and I could see the horror on her face that she had just shared that.

“Oh — I’m sorry, I know that’s kind of serious, but . . .”

“No, thank you!” I said. “I said my greatest fear was being kidnapped, raped and forced into human
trafficking, then all these losers were like ‘uh, vampires.’ So, THANK YOU.”

I reached my hand out for a high-five, which she hesitantly returned.

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The time I got mistaken as Jesus

Ah, now, this is one of my favorite moments.

This was while in Rwanda on my study abroad. Two friends of mine walked with me to go buy some water bottles at a nearby store. It was getting pretty dark out by the time we started to head back.

As we neared the dorms we were staying at, a group of about six drunk men came waltzing by.

Out of habit, I took a large step away from them and hid behind my two guy friends that were accompanying me. I'd only ever had scary experiences with groups of drunk men.

I breathed a sigh of relief as they walked by without acknowledging me . . . until one stopped, pointed at me and said, "Jesus."

The three of us halted abruptly.

"Jesus," he repeated, pointing at me and then pounding his chest. "Jesus."

"Jesus," said one of my friends, nodding.

The drunk guy beamed with delight, came in towards my friend and embraced him in a massive hug while saying (you guessed it), "Jesus."

He turned to my next friend and did the same action. Then, he turned towards me. He moved towards me, arms outstretched for a hug . . . which I intercepted by stepping to the side and grabbing his hand to shake instead.

"Jesus," I said.

"GOD BLESS!" he yelled.

He then turned back to the guys who were with me. He pounded his chest, said "Jesus," then pounded my friends chest. He repeated this with my other friend . . . then turned to me. He pounded his chest saying, "Jesus." Then he hand stretched out towards my chest . . .

and I stepped to the side, grabbed his hand and shook it.

Eventually we got the man to leave. We pointed out that his friends were leaving him behind, to which he responded saying, "Ah, friends, yes." He pointed to me and said, "Jesus," then walked away to his friends, continuing to say, "God bless" and "Jesus" along the way.

My friends and I began walking slowly towards our dorm again. There was silence between all of us until I finally blurted out, ". . . What just happened?!"

"I'm pretty sure that guy thought you were Jesus," my friend responded.


Image result for michael scott dressed as jesus christ


And that's the story of the time I got mistaken as Jesus.



Anyway. Hope y'all enjoyed. Always remember to love and embrace your awkward moments!

And always remember:

Jesus.

Tuesday, February 5, 2019

The time I got plastic surgery

Okay, so it wasn’t technically plastic surgery, but it fell under that category when it came to insurance, and I find it hilarious to tell people that I got plastic surgery, because their first reaction is always shock and they wrack their brains to see what part of me has been altered.

I can’t remember what the actual procedure is called. But, basically, I took a laser to the chin to get rid of pretty big acne scars I’d had since high school. (Sometimes I see pictures of myself from high school with the zits that caused those scars, and I dramatically point to the picture and go, “You.” to the zit.)

Here’s what was different about my acne scars: the majority of people have acne scars that are indents/divots into their skin. Mine, however, are not-so-little bumps. Thankfully, those scars are only located on my chin, and not everywhere. So, this laser treatment would zap those bumps in hopes of flattening them.

So, after a couple of preparation doctors appointments, it was time to go forth with the laser treatment.

I plopped down in the chair. It was similar to a dental chair. They leaned the chair back so that I was basically laying down flat, covered my eyes with some dark goggle type things, and began zapping my chin.

It definitely hurt. Part of it was because I’m a redhead. The gene that comes with being a redhead includes being more resistant towards numbing medicine (such as epidurals). The doctor forgot to take this into account, and gave me the normal amount of the numbing medication. After expressing pain and wincing multiple times, she said, “Oh! Oh my gosh, I’m sorry. You’re a redhead. I forgot that I have to give my redheaded patients a double dose.”

She injected my chin with more medicine and was able to finish the procedure with me being pain-free.

What came next, I documented on my Instagram story . . . and I’m so grateful I did. Because it captures it in a way that my words never could.



So, without further ado, please enjoy the next 12 hours following my procedure.





So, what happened next?

I drove to my apartment, still crying. I parked, hid in my car for probably 20 minutes, and sprinted into my apartment (still crying) where I promptly took a nap.
I woke up when it was dark. Keep in mind, this was summertime, so it got dark pretty late. I had slept a long time.

. . . I had also bled all over my pillowcase.

I looked at my chin to see it puffy and crusted with dry blood. And, wouldn’t you guess it, I started crying again.

Not as hard, though. So . . . that’s good, right?

It was time for my nightly cleaning of my new injury. Cleaning included soaking it with a vinegar-soaked cotton ball for 15 minutes, followed by rubbing it with a liquid steroid, an ointment used for diaper rashes, Vaseline and, lastly, taking two antibiotics. This would be part of my nightly routine for about the next two weeks.

I had transferred my vinegar-mixed-with-water concoction into a water bottle, which I dunked my cotton ball in. I plopped down on the couch, placed the now-soaked cotton ball on my bloody chin and watched TV with my roommates as I snacked on a Texas Roadhouse roll.

My chin was still aching, but at least I had my roll.

Then. This happened.








In case you didn’t catch that, I drank my vinegar soak. Yup. Took a big, ol’ sib. And promptly spat it out onto my leggings.

I bet you can guess what I did next.

Yup. I cried. Again.

But, I’m still grateful I didn’t spit it out on my Texas Roadhouse rolls.

The next day, my chin looked better. It had stopped bleeding and was beginning to heal. Each day, it got better and better, though my chin remained an angry red for quite some time (and, to this day, the skin on my chin is still a ting pinker than the rest of my face. Thank goodness for makeup).

Two weeks later, I was back at the doctors, sitting up in the all-too familiar dental-like chair.

The appointment was earlier in the morning. Now, at this time in my life, I didn’t have a job or school going on. This, combined with the fact that I am not a morning person, meant I got up late and was running behind.

I legit threw on some basketball shorts, wore the shirt I wore to bed, brushed my hair and teeth, slid into some flip-flops and ran out the door with my mom, who was accompanying me to the doctors.

So, there I was, back at the doctors, sitting up in the dental-like chair as my doctor held my face and got extremely close to check out my acne scars.

“Hmmm, looks like we’ve missed a few spots,” she said.

My heart began to race. I was still recovering from the first time! There’s no way I could do this again!

“We’re just going to do some touch ups; we won’t do the whole procedure,” she reassured me. Honestly, she could probably see the fear on my face. I am terrible at hiding my emotions.

I remained sitting up, and she took a small laser to my face. I didn’t need to back up or cover my eyes this time. She numbed part of my chin (this time using twice the amount to begin with), and this time, as opposed to lasering my whole chin, she targeted specific spots.

Now . . . I was expecting this appointment to go by quickly. I thought I’d be in and out in no time. It was supposed to be just a check up, not a touch up.

Which is exactly what I told myself when I left my house without eating anything for breakfast.

Guess what. Me + pain =


Yup.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII passed out. I had caught myself in time, however. I could tell it was going to happen because of how sick and lightheaded I began to feel.

“Stop,” I said, reaching my hand out. “I didn’t eat breakfast. I’m either going to throw up or pass out.”

I leaned forward to put my head in my lap, but my dermatologist said, “No, I need you to lean back.”

And I did.

And that’s the last thing I remember.

I was walking in the woods in the dark. Character's from the Walking Dead were all around me. I turned, and saw Negan – the character that my celebrity crush plays. He smiled at me and said, 


 And I smiled back at him. 

There was a loud, buzzing sound. That was the sound the chair moved when it was being tipped backwards. I was starting to come back to. The chair was leaned back almost all the way. I wasn’t just flat on my back; my legs were slightly higher than my head so that blood could get to my head.

Time seemed to move by in slow motion. It seemed like my chair was tipping back for an eternity.

I don’t know how long it had been before I spoke. I’m sure it’s not as long it felt. But, I finally said, “Did I pass out?”

“Yes,” my doctor said. “How are you feeling?”

“I might throw up,” I said, my eyes remaining closed.

“I’ll go get her a bucket,” said the nurse.

I heard her walking, then the door open and close.

“I dreamed about Negan,” I moaned to the doctor.

I’m sure she had no idea who I was talking about.

“You were only out for 20 seconds,” she said.

“Well he said hi to me,” I said.

“Well, I guess you did snore,” she said.

“Somehow that’s more embarrassing to me than the actual passing out.”

The nurse came back. I heard her place a bucket on the ground and said, “I have some juice and crackers for you when you’re done.”

“Thank you,” I replied.

They went back to zapping my chin. I began to feel a little bit better, but I didn’t dare open my eyes.

“I’m surprised you’re not totally freaking out. If my mom were here, she’d be in a total panic,” the nurse said, directing the question to my mom, who was sitting at the side of the room.

“Oh. Well, we do this. I pass out all the time, her sister has passed out. It’s just something we do,” she replied.

And it’s true. Maybe this is just part of being initiated into the family. My dad and one of my sisters are next.

A few minutes later, the doctor was done.

“Okay, we’re all done,” she said, and I cracked my eyes open to be greeted by the bright, florescent lights.

She rolled her chair back to her computer and said, “Come back in a couple weeks for another check-up. You can make that appointment up front, but don’t sit up yet. You’re still looking quite pale.”

“I’m always pale,” I mumbled.

“Well, you’re really pale,” she responded.

I always know that, if you can tell I’m pale, then I’m obviously not doing well. So, I trusted her and remained laying back.

“I’m going to Africa in a couple weeks,” I explained. “Should I make the appointment before or after?”

She got really excited as she had recently returned back from a trip to Rwanda, the country I was going to.

“Don’t worry about an appointment until you get back from Africa. Just make sure to always wear sunscreen, especially on your chin. I do not want to see you with a tan when you come back!” she said.

“Deal.”

A few minutes later, I felt back to normal aside from a little bit nauseous. I drank my juice, ate a few crackers, set up an appointment and left with my mom feeling mortified that I had snored when I passed out.

Let’s fast forward to after my trip to Rwanda. It was a final check up to see how I was healing and see if any more touch ups needed to be done.

I sat back in the familiar dental-like chair. This time, I had eaten.

My dermatologist walked in, and a huge smile came across her face and she exclaimed,







I was proud of myself, too.

ANYway. Everything had healed properly and was back to normal. The acne scars I was so self-conscious about remained, but they weren’t nearly as noticeable as before. And, they’re easier to cover with makeup now.

Am I glad I did it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably not.


And that, my friends, is the story of the time I (kind of, but not really) got plastic surgery.


Have an awkward day.



(This was taken a week apart)

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Here and back again: Online Dating

Sometimes, I think I should rename this blog to "Woes of a Single Woman." But then I'd have to buy a whole new domain name, and that's just not worth it.

I'm back to trying online dating. It's something I've done before (see: My Tinderella Story), and have never really had much success in the love department. I have, however, had much success in the good story department with online dating.

This time around, I've been using Mutual. Mutual is basically Tinder for members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the religion I'm a part of). Members in this organization tend to marry others within their same religion. Combine that with a high concentration of members in Utah? Mutual is generally a good place to try online dating for free.

If you don't know what Tinder is, I applaud you for being that out of the world that you don't even know what Tinder is. For an explanation of what it is, click on the blog mentioned above. In that blog, I give a description of what Tinder is and how it works.

Anyway, I've been much pickier than I have been in the past when deciding who I'm interested in and would like to chat with. I was exhausted of going on awkward dates with people I met online, and decided to put an end to it as best as I could. So, thankfully, I haven't had uncomfortable dates.

I have, however, ran across some . . . interesting profiles. And, I think they're worth sharing on my awkward blog.

I tried to hide these guys' identities as best I could. So, names and faces are scribbled out using my highly quality photo editing option on my iphone.

So without further ado, here's what I found to be the most cringy and/or entertaining bios and pictures on Mutual. Please enjoy.






Alright, let's start with this guy. Look, if you have to specify that you're not gay, the chances are, you probably are actually gay. You may not realize it yet, but . . . you're probably gay.
Also, the rest of the bio is just kind of hilarious. It's like reading the bio of a teletubbie.
































Speaking of funny bios, here's this lil guy. It made me chuckle. If one of you guys listen to his podcast (or, pawdcats), let me know how it is. I'm listening to too many true crime podcasts right now to add another to my list. Also I hate cats.

































Okay, now with this guy. How DARE you put Beyonce and Kim K. on the same level! I'm not even a big Beyonce follower and have probably only listened to two of her songs, but I know she is far more talented and respectable than Kim K! HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE QUEEN. HOW DARE YOU.




And while we're on the subject of insulting bio's . . .





Maybe I'm biased because I'm a dog mom . . . but is this totally douchey? It comes across as totally douchey. And since it's douchey, I can be douchey back, right? Cause he is not tall enough or rich enough to make such a judgmental statement. Once you grow at least five inches and get a real job, then you can tell women to be emotionally stable. And even then? JUST DON'T DO IT.







Okay okay okay. Now, I don't know why, but the "tickle your back" statement makes me shiver. And, not the good kind of shiver. The creeped-out kind of shiver. Maybe it's cause I'm not ticklish, and get tired of guys attempting to flirt with me by poking my sides and it turns into just that. Just a little fella obnoxiously poking my sides as I stare at him with a dead look on my face. It's very obnoxious. 


Aaaaaaaaaand speaking of unwanted physical contact. . . 





Aaaaaaaaand on the topic of things not to say . . . 





I just . . . I just can't. I cannot express how much this grosses me out. 



Yeah okay so I circled the "from" answer, cause I thought it was weird, but then I read the entire profile . . . and decided that basically the whole profile was weird. The guy's really good at not answering the questions presented to him with a straight answer. He should be a politician. 
'Ight. Before we transition over to amusing pictures featured on Mutual, we'll cover this conversation I had with a guy on the app. 

Background info: he asked if I was from Utah. It lead to this:


The bigger thing to do would be saying something like, "Oh, okay. I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in something that would ultimately be a long distance or not go anywhere."
Something like that. 
But instead . . . I ghosted him. (Ghosted is a slang term that means you just ignore someone that's interested in you until they go away.)


Alright. Now for the pictures. 


This was one of the guys pictures. He also didn't have his name listed. Or any personal information about himself. And not really any clear pictures of his face. So I legit knew nothing about him. But hey, some girls are into the mysterious type. 


This fella gave ZERO explanation as to who this bride he's kissing on the cheek is. And, let's be real. It looks like he's the groom! Maybe he is. There's nothing to say otherwise. 
I wish him and this woman the best future together. I hope they're happy together 💗


Okay, a couple things about this. 1. I think I did a better job hiding his identity than this guy did of hiding this chick's identity. 2. Why did he even use this picture?? First of all, it has - what I assume to be - his ex girlfriend in it. Second of all, the quality of this picture isn't that good, either. The lighting is bad, the angle of the face is bad . . . I'm just like, surely there's a better picture of you that you could've used! 3. If by "you," you mean that I have the chance to one day be featured on your dating profile with my face poorly blurred out? . . . Pass. 

These last two? They just made me laugh. 

 


I don't think I'll meet my future spouse online. That's just my gut feeling, and I could be wrong. Regardless, online dating has brought some joy, awkwardness and dates into my life. And for that, I'm grateful.