Friday, November 8, 2019

The worst date I've ever been on: Part 7

Chapter 7
The final, weird interactions

I began to avoid Jacob (Jared?? Legit can never remember what name I gave him on this blog) at all costs, but I knew it was inevitable.

I can't remember how long it had been since the date, but it hadn't been too long before I saw him again.

I went to a service project organized by my church congregation and, lo and behold, Jacob showed up.

Anxiety filled my chest and I ran to my friend, telling her that I had to remain by her AT ALL COSTS.

She had known about the terrible date, and I agreed.

We teamed up and began vacuuming the building we were assigned to clean. And who followed us?


And guess what he did? He began "flirting."

AKA: insulting.

Legit everything I was doing, he'd butt in and say, "You're doing it wrong. You should actually be doing it like this."

And demonstrate what I should be doing by using his vacuum.

I kept ignoring him, and he kept 'correcting' me and telling me how I was doing it wrong, and even said stuff like, "Look — I'm doing it better than you!"

Like . . . he was acting like a 5 year old.

I continued vacuuming and COMPLETELY IGNORING HIM, when he said, "What, are you stupid? You're doing it wrong."

Being called stupid is a huge trigger for me.

Once again, I completely lost it.

I literally slammed my vacuum down, dropping the handle, turned around to face him and yelled, "You. Are. Mean."

It was the comeback of a child, but I was dealing with a child.

Regardless, it seemed to work.

I saw shock fill his eyes. His posture changed and he took a step back and said, "It was just a joke."

Image result for liz lemon i'm doing the talking now gif

"I don't care if it's a joke. It's not funny at all," I said. "It's insulting, it's rude, and it's hurtful. So stop."

I can't remember his words after that, but I know he began to justify his actions to me, to which I raised my hand and said, "Just stop."

"Sorry," he mumbled.

I picked up the vacuum and said, "Don't talk to me if you're gonna keep saying stuff like that."

Rage filled my whole body. It was awkwardly silent after that, but I didn't care. I was proud of myself for finally saying something and standing my ground.

Jacob didn't talk to me the rest of the evening. I moved a few weeks after that incident, and didn't have to see him at church anymore. I was relieved and grateful to be done with him.

. . . and then 2 years later, I went back to that congregation while visiting my parents.

I knew he was still going to that congregation, and I wanted to avoid him at all costs. So, I decided to show up ten minutes late.

. . . but they had changed the time they met at, and I was actually 20 minutes early.

I frantically texted my mom: 'Should I hide in the bathroom?'
Her response: 'No. Maybe. Yes.'

And so that's what I did.

But let me tell you, sitting in the bathroom for 30 minutes is a lot harder than it sounds, especially when you're filled with anxiety over the situation.

Looking back, I should've just left and gone to my parents congregation or something. But I was stubborn and have always had this attitude of "don't let someone stop you from doing something."

It's . . . healthy for the most part.

Anyway, I ended up leaving after 15 minutes in the bathroom, which I thought would be okay, because the program started in 5 minutes, and he'd probably be there by now so I could just sit somewhere else, right?


I sat down . . . and Jacob came in after me and sat down right next to me.

"Hello," he said.


"It's been a while," he said.

"Yup," I said.

There was a brief silence, then he stuck out his hand and said, "Would you like to touch my wenis or my waddle?"

Image result for 30 rock what the what gif

"Why the hell would you ever ask someone that?" I said, filled with disbelief.

It had been 2 years since I'd seen him, and I still had zero patience for him.

He pointed to his elbow and said, "Wenis." Then pointed to the skin in between his thumb and pointer finger and said, "Waddle."

"No, I know what those are," I said. "I just don't understand why on earth you'd say that to someone."

He shrugged and said, "It's funny."

"It's weird."

"You should try it in a job interview," he said.

Related image

"You try it first and let me know how that goes," I said.

"I'll probably get the job for standing out."

"I'm sure," I said.

Church began and we fell silent. I pulled out my coloring book and began doing my thing: coloring and listening to the speakers and trying not to fall asleep.

About 20 minute into the program, homeboy STOOD UP. MID SPEAKER. WALKED TO ANOTHER BENCH, AND SAT BY ANOTHER GIRL.

I didn't know how to react. On one hand, I was very grateful not to have to sit by him anymore, and on the other hand, I was just insulted.

Image result for liz lemon rude gif

I think I was also shocked that he just did that in the middle of someone's speech. Like . . . wouldn't you at least wait till there's a break in between speakers?

But, whatever. I was relieved, even if I was annoyed.

Church ended, and I dashed out of there quickly, eager to tell my friends and family the latest in the Jacob saga.

That was a year ago, and I haven't seen or heard from him since.

And I'm REALLY not complaining.

What I learned from this experience. 

Writing out this story made me realize how much I learned from it. It was horrible, it was awkward, I hated it, but I learned a lot and changed a lot from it.

So, I'm going to share my life lessons with you in hopes of you following them, or passing them onto your children:

1. Trust your gut

Image result for 30 rock my gut gif

I'm extremely grateful I got out of the initial date. Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I had ignored my gut and had gone on the date. Although I still went out with him, my gut wasn't screaming at me the second time, and I felt better because of that.

2. It's okay to say no to dates. 

Image result for 30 rock no gif

It took me wayyy too many years, too many horrible dates, and a couple therapy sessions to get this into my head. I felt some sort of weird obligation to say yes to every date. I rarely got asked out, and I felt like if I said no to the ones I got asked out on, then God would like . . . make guys stop asking me out?
Guys, it's SO BACKWARDS. But it was my anxious brain was saying, "If I don't go on these dates, then I'm not showing God that I'm grateful that I'm getting asked out, and I'll stopped getting asked out."
Again. IT'S SO BACKWARDS, and I'm SO embarrassed by it now, but I'm sharing this to help anyone else who may have this unhealthy perspective.
Saying no to dates is awkward, uncomfortable, and can be interpreted as rude. But honestly, it's a good thing. You save the other person time AND money by being upfront with them from the beginning.
And if the person reacts poorly to you saying no, I think that just reaffirms that it's a good thing you said no.

3. Be clear, firm, and upfront with people. 
I wish I would've been upfront with this guy a lot sooner. It would've saved me from a lot of painful interactions. Sure, I was hinting to him that I wasn't interested, but I never flat out said, "I don't want to go on a date with you" or "I am not romantically interested in you."
I've applied this into all my relationships now. I no longer hint at anything. I no longer hope the other person gets what I'm saying. I say exactly what I expect from a person, what I want out of a situation, what's bothering me, etc.
People can't read minds (as far as I know). Unless you state what your expectations are, no one is going to meet them.
Image result for 30 rock let me be clear gifs

4. Sometimes the right thing and the awkward thing are the same thing. 

Image result for 30 rock sometimes the hard thing and the right thing are the same thing

There have been many times in my life when my gut tells me to do something, and I push it away thinking, "No, that's awkward."
But 90% of the time, it's the right thing to do.
So I started doing what my instincts tell me, even if it's awkward. Even if I'm clumsy, stumble over my words, or do it poorly, I at least do it.

I'm still learning a lot in life. I'm still clumsy at practicing these 4 things I learned (except now I'm getting married and don't have to worry about saying no to dates anymore HOLLA!!!), but I learned them, and am practicing them in my everyday relationships.

I hope this series not only entertained you, but taught you something as well. And if not, I'm still grateful you read it.

And thus concludes the Saga of Jacob (or Jared).

The End.

Thursday, November 7, 2019

The worst date I've ever been on: Part 5 and 6

Chapter 5
The Date, Part 1

The day of the date came. I hadn't heard from him all day, so I honestly had no idea what movie we were seeing, what time we were going at, if I should eat dinner, etc.

I sat at home, doing the dishes, when the phone rang.

"Hey," he said. "I'll be by in like, an hour to pick you up. Okay?"

"Okay," I said, hiding my annoyance.

I really like my day planned out in advance, so this really annoyed me.

"And I was thinking, what if we went on a hike instead of seeing a movie?"

I looked down at my outfit. I had just gotten home from work, where I dressed professionally. The rest of my clothing was packed, because I was moving back down to college in a couple of days.

Not to mention that being alone in nature with this guy was far too sketchy for me, especially by how angry my gut got at me when he first asked me out.

". . . I'd rather do a movie."

"But come on! The sunset will be really pretty!" he said.

"I'm in a skirt and flats," I explained.

"It's not a hike! It's a nature walk!"

"No," I said, finally learning to stand my ground.

"Ugh, fine," he said sourly. "I'll see you soon."

I hung up the phone and gripped the edge of the sink, pleading to God to give me strength.

Image result for lord beer me strength gif
The hour had passed, and my phone rang again.

"Hey, I can't find your house," he said.

I wasn't too surprised. I was staying at my parents house, which is on kind of an obscure street. I gave him directions to their street and said, "I'm at the house with the blue car in the driveway."

". . . I don't see a blue car . . ." he said.

"Okay, what street are you on?" I asked, assuming he had to be on the wrong one.

"No, I'm on the right street, I just don't see a blue car."

I literally put my head down on the counter.

"Well, I don't know what to tell you, cause my car is blue," I sighed into the phone.

"Okay, well, I think I'm here. You can come out," he said.


I said another prayer to God as I cursed myself for getting myself into this situation.

I walked outside, and he stood next to his car.

"I can see now that you car is blue," he said. "But it's so dirty it looks gray."

"Uh huh," I sighed, and he went over to the passengers side door to open it for me.

. . . and the car alarm went off as he did so.

Image result for the office car alarm gif

He frantically grabbed for his keys, silencing the alarm, and opening the door for me.

And with that, we were off.

We drove past a Korean restaurant.

"Man, that's the best Korean restaurant I've ever been to. We should go sometime," he said.

"Oh, I don't really like Korean food," I said.

"That's cause you haven't had good, authentic Korean food," he corrected me. "Anyone who doesn't like Korean food just hasn't had the right kind."

"No, I've had authentic Korean food —"

"No," he interrupted. "You haven't, else you would've liked it."

And with that, all the patience that had gotten me this far with him, was gone.



Lost it.

Image result for the office rage gif


". . .oh. . ."

(Okay, look. I've been to the Korea airport, where I had a smoothie, and I flew on Korean Airlines, where I had Korean airplane food. But I don't like Korean food, and I wasn't about to let him diminish my opinion again.)

It's like every ounce of patience I had with this kid left my body. I was done. I was so done dealing with him.

. . . but we were 5 minutes into the date.

So I mustered what little strength I had left and put it towards being polite.

He was silent for the next few minutes.

"So, how was work?" I asked.

"Ugh, horrible. I had to install insulation into a wall today," he said.

"Oh man, I've done that before, and it was awful. I'm sorry,"

"No, you don't even get it," he corrected me . . . again. "You haven't had to do it in 90 degree whether like I had to!"

"No, I actually did —,"

"And you haven't had to do it in the middle of the day when it's the hottest —," he interrupted me . . . again.

My turn to interrupt.


" . . . oh . . ."

The movie theater couldn't come fast enough.

. . . but instead of pulling into the movie theater, he pulled into a candy store.

Which, alright, I'm chill with. I had been to this store before. I knew I liked it, and I knew exactly what I wanted.

"So, what would you like?" Jacob asked as we walked inside.

"Dark chocolate covered almonds," I replied.

"No, I think you should try this," he said, pointing at some sort of marshmallow thing.

"No, I don't like marshmallows. I wont like those."

"Oh, but you'll like this," he insisted, and ordered two before I could say anything else.

As he ordered them, he looked at the cashier and said, ". . . why aren't you wearing a uniform?"

"Oh, we don't actually need to wear a uniform here," the cashier responded.

Jacob scowled and said, "Well, at the other location I go to, they wear uniforms."

The guy looked mortified, and just shrugged.

"HEY MAN I LIKE YOUR SHIRT," I yelled, trying to ease the tension.

Jacob walked around, looking at the candy that was displayed.

"Do you have [certain treat I can no longer remember]?" he asked the cashier.

"No, we don't carry that here, sorry," replied the cashier.

"What?!" he said, "They carry it at the other location."

Image result for the office chocolate gif

I can't remember what the cashier said in response to this, but I was CRINGING.

Jacob came back up to me and said, "What else do you want?"

"Dark chocolate covered almonds."

"No, I think you should try this," he said, pointing to some caramel, pretzel thing.

"That doesn't look good to me. I just want my dark chocolate covered almonds," I said.

"No, you'll like it. It's really good," he said.

"You can get them, but I'm not gonna eat it," I said . . . . . . . and he ordered two.

Jacob smiled at me as if he had just done the nicest thing ever and said, "Anything else?"

"Dark. Chocolate. Covered. Almonds."

"But that's so boring," he exclaimed.

Ah! Good! Another insult!

I'm 90 percent sure I rolled my eyes.

Image result for the office eyeroll gif

I walked up to the cashier and asked for my stupid dark chocolate covered almonds.

Jacob paid for the sweets, and we began walking over to the movie theater.

"This date is turning out to be more expensive than I planned," he said, then looked at me. "But you're worth it."



We walked into the movie theater and sat down. He handed me the marshmallow and the pretzel thing he had bought for me after I said I wouldn't like them. I took a bite of each, then said, "You can finish mine. I don't like them."

"Then why did I bother buying them?!" he said.

Image result for the office scream gif

Oh, man, I was about ready to scream.

But the movie was starting, so I munched on my dark chocolate covered almonds instead.

Chapter 6
The Date: Part II

I didn't particularly enjoy the movie. All my friends who have seen it like it, so I'm left to assume I don't like it because I was sitting next to Mr. dark-chocolate-covered-almonds-are-boring-and-your-opinions-are-stupid the entire time.

The movie finished, and I was grateful he hadn't tried to pull a move on me. As the credits rolled, a remix of a song by The Beatles began to play. Being the huge Beatles fan I am, I began to sing quietly along.

"I don't recognize this song," Jacob said.

"The original is by The Beatles," I said.

"Oh, I hate The Beatles."

It took everything within my power not to call him, or his opinion, stupid (like he had done to me SO MANY TIMES).

He began driving me back to my house, and the one-upping stories began.

Now, here's the thing. Usually, with one-uppers, I let them win. I don't care. They can think they're better than me. It's fine.

But with Jacob?

Oh, I was not about to let that happen.

And here's the thing: 90% of the time, when he wanted to one-up me, I was just trying to relate to him! Ugh, it was so annoying.


I don't know how we got started on the topic, but I mentioned that, after I had gotten back from my religious mission, I was very tired all the time.

"You don't even know," he said, which seemed to be one of his favorite phrases. Because I, apparently, knew nothing. "Try having a 16 hour flight back from Korea."

". . . I literally did that—,"

"No, your flight was like, 4 hours."

Again, all patience I had previously had with this kid was GONE, and I snapped, "I LITERALLY TRAVELED FOR 23 HOURS COMING BACK FROM SINGAPORE."

". . .oh. . ." he said. "Well, I traveled for longer than that coming back from Australia."

I can't remember how I responded to that, but then he said, "You don't even know. I came back from Australia when it was winter here and summer there."


That was a lie. I came back in April. But I just wanted to one-up him because he had killed all patience in my body.

. . . I think I still haven't regained all the patience I had before this date.

Image result for the office patience gif

Anyway, we finally get to my house, and he walks me to my door. At some point, we had begun talking about school, and how he was in various science classes.

"I'm a feminist, but," he said as we walked to my door, and I knew this was gonna be good. "Women just aren't as good at math and science as men are. Like the girls in my science class just aren't as good as the men are.

"But I'm a feminist," he reassured me.

"Mmmmmm," I responded.

Image result for the office feminism gif

All my energy was gone. I knew I couldn't convince this guy otherwise. His arrogance made him untouchable to reality and me going on a feminist tangent wasn't going to pop his balloon brain.

I unlocked the door.

"Okay, well, I'll see you on Sunday—."

And he kept talking.

And talking.

And talking.

And talking.

I literally had the door open.

I was literally standing inside.



I don't even remember what it was about now.

I probably wasn't even listening.

Finally, with the door open half an inch, I said, "Okay I'm gonna go bye."

And closed the door.
Image result for michael scott closing door in face gif

Now, this may be the end of the date, but it wasn't the end of my interactions with him.

The next blog post will cover the aftermath, and what this experience taught me.

Wednesday, November 6, 2019

The worst date I've ever been on: Part 3 and 4

Chapter 3

This is just . . . it gives you an idea of the kind of kid I was dealing with. 

It had been a few weeks since I had cancelled our date, and it had yet to be rescheduled. I wasn't complaining. I thought maybe he wouldn't ask me out again . . . except he was still flirting with me. And I quickly found out his way of "flirting" was actually just insulting.

He called me stupid for liking heat over cold, stupid for having an iPhone, and stupid because I had never gone skiing.

Cause, you know, I always melt over a guy who insults me. 

I had stopped flirting with him. I stopped engaging in conversation with him, but he was relentless. 

As I mentioned in Chapter 1, there's a lot of things I did back then that I wouldn't do now. Putting up with his crap is one of those things. 

One day, he sat next to me during church. Now, to prevent myself from falling asleep in church, I color. I have a plethora of adult coloring books and twisty crayons. So, I'm sitting there, coloring, and Jacob plops down next to me. 

". . . you hold your pencil wrong." 

Now, this isn't exactly news to me. I've been told before that I hold my pencil differently. But guess what? I'm still able to write/color just fine. 

"Oh, I know," I said, and kept coloring. 

"Let me show you how to hold your pencil." 

"No thanks," I said. 


Image result for olivia benson eye roll gif

I yanked it away from his hand and said, "You know, writing this way has been working really well for me for the past 20 years, okay?!" 

"No, just let me show you how to hold it!" 

He grabbed for my pencil AGAIN. 

"NO." I said. 

"No, I'll show you how to hold it!" 

"Fine," I grumbled angrily, and handed him my twisty crayon. 

He positioned it in his hand and said, "See?" 

"Great," I said, and snatched my twisty crayon back, and went right back to how I was holding it. 

Image result for olivia benson eye roll gif

I just . . . I couldn't deal with it.

I told my coworker about it the next week, and his response was, "Okay, that's the worst case of mansplaining I have ever heard of." 

". . . oh my gosh it totally is!" 

But I still wasn't done dealing with his mansplaining.

Chapter 4
The Wedding Reception

I have to say, I admire this man's persistence. I certainly don't have the kind of dedication he does. It'll probably get him far in life.

I was at church again, heading towards the main room, when I turned the corner and BOOM, there was Jacob.

"Hello," he said.


"I was wondering, would you like to hang out this weekend?"

I had come to the conclusion that I would just have to go out with this kid to get him to stop asking me to 'hang out' with him.

"Honestly, I'm pretty busy. What day were you thinking?"

"Oh - what are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm going to a wedding reception on Friday, and on Saturday—"

"Oh! Whose is it?"

"A friend from my religious mission...."

"Okay, I'll go with you!"

Image result for you gotta be shittin me gif

I was stunned that he had just invited himself to a random wedding reception, and tried to tell him 'no' in a round-about way.

"Well I'm carpooling with two of my friends there," I said.

"Oh, I can meet you there. Where is it?"

"Provo - and honestly I think it'd be awkward if you came because . . . well, I'm going to be hanging out with my friends, and you don't know them."

"But if I come, people at the reception won't ask you why you're not married or dating anyone!"

". . . . they already don't ask me that," I said.

And I don't want them asking if WE'RE dating. . . I thought to myself.

"They do at the ones I go to," he huffed. "Anyway, do you want to carpool, or want me to meet you there?"

Again. His persistence will get him far in life. Just not in this case.

"Honestly, I think it would be uncomfortable for me if you came," I said.

"That's fine - I can meet you there."

Oh dear goodness. 

"No," I reiterated. "I'd feel uncomfortable if you came."

"What?" he asked.

I wasn't sure if he didn't actually hear me, of if he just didn't understand.

". . .It would be uncomfortable if you came. I feel uncomfortable . . . with you."

"Oh, really?"


"Oh, okay. That's fine," he said, disappointed.

Guilty Carmen came in and I sputtered, "But we can hang out after if you want!"

Dang it. 

Thankfully, he declined, and my friends and I at the wedding reception had a good laugh about it that weekend.

The next week, I was back at church, and once again, he cornered me.

"Hello," he said.


"Would you like to go on a date with me this weekend?" he asked.

"Yes," I said, in pure shock that he actually said 'date.'

I'm not even kidding when I say 'shock.' Cause it's like I had an out-of-body experience saying 'yes.' I just wasn't even aware that I said it. It just came out. I just blurted it out. Just . . . yes.

"Great!" he said, "How about Saturday?"

"Friday would work better."

"Okay. Would you like to do a movie or a walk?"

This time I knew better than to say 'either,' and so I said, "A movie."

"Okay, we'll go see a movie. I'll text you more details."

And with that, he walked away.

The inevitable date had finally been set up.

Image result for i am inevitable gif

And it was gonna be a doozy.

Tuesday, November 5, 2019

The worst date I've ever been on: Part 2

Chapter 2
The Petty King

It was the next day. I had arrived at church and was making my way to the second hour of it: Sunday School. 

I sat down, when Jared (or Jacob? I can't remember the code name I gave for him) walked in. He stared at me, and started doing that thing where he rubs his two pointer fingers together. 

You know, like: 

Image result for shame hand gesture gif

I stared at him. 

". . . what?" I asked, as he repeated the hand gesture. 

"Shame on you." 

I furrowed my brow. 

"I'm not sorry," I said, cause I wasn't. 

"Well shame on you." 

I shrugged and said, "Okay." 

He was just proving to me the bullet I dodged. 

Jared moved to the front of the class because, as fate would have it, he was teaching Sunday School that day. 

The lesson began, and he asked for a comment. I raised my hand to offer one. 

And the bro made eye contact with me . . . and called on someone else. . .  while maintaining eye contact with me. 

I was confused, hoping that he hadn't just done what I thought he had done. 

He asked for another comment. 

I raised my hand again.

And he - once again - made eye contact with me, and called on someone else. 

"Oh he did not just do that," I mumbled to myself.

After that, whenever he asked for a comment, I raised my hand, whether or not I actually had something to say. I just wanted to challenge him.

And guess what happened? 

He ignored me every. single. time. 

My arm was tired, but I raised it nonetheless. 

I felt like freaken Hermione Granger. 

Image result for hermione granger hand raise gif

After about 15 minutes of doing this, he — once again — made eye contact with me, and called on someone else. 

"Rude," muttered the woman next to me. 

Image result for hermione granger rude gif

"I know right?" I said. "I'm not making this up, right? He's ignoring me?" 

"Oh he totally is." 

He asked for another comment. I raised my hand. NO ONE ELSE HAD THEIR HAND RAISED. And you know what he did? He looked at me, and while making eye contact, called on someone else WHO DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THEIR HAND RAISED TO MAKE A COMMENT. 

"Oh my gosh," I said. 

"Ridiculous," said the woman next to me. 

She became my new best friend. 

Thankfully, this time, a good amount of people laughed, cluing him in that what he was doing was obvious to everyone.

"Okay, Carmen, do you have something to say?" he said. 

"Yes, I do," I said, and pulled some comment out of my butt. 

I kept my tired arm down the rest of class. 

I thought I was done with him.

But there was more to come. 

Monday, November 4, 2019

The worst date I've ever been on: Part 1

I've tried writing out this story so many times. Each time, I get so exhausted. It's a good story, but it is LONG. And it's so frustrating, I get drained partway through telling it.

This took place 4 years ago. I was young (I mean, I know I still am, but . . . still), and I did a lot of things in this situation that I would no longer do. That's partly why I hate telling this story. There was so much I should've done that I didn't do. But it's okay, because this experience taught me a lot.


I've broken this story into parts, and each post will be one part of the story. Hopefully, I'll actually be able to finish the story and you all can enjoy this painful, painful experience for me.

So, without further ado,

This is the story of the worst date I have ever been (and will ever be) on:

Chapter 1.
The shortest chapter

I met Jacob at church (name has been changed). He was pretty attractive, though looking back now, I don't know what I saw in him, because he really isn't my type. He was kind of funny, kind of nerdy.

One day, I was feeling bold, and approached him after church and began flirting with him. I was hinting that he should ask for my number, and lo and behold, he actually asked for my number!

I happily gave it to him, then walked away . . .

Feeling absolutely sick to my stomach.

I had never experienced this before (and I haven't experienced it since), and I don't know if ya'll have either, but I walked away just thinking, "I should not have done that. I do not feel good about this."

Image result for hagrid i should not have said that gif 

But I didn't know how to get out of the situation. So, I walked away hoping he'd chicken out of asking me out or something.

A few hours later, I was awoken from a nap by an unknown number calling me, and dread filled me. I knew it was him, and I knew I had to answer and get it over with.

"Hello?" I said.

"Hi Carmen. It's Jacob."


"How are you?" he asked.

"I'm good."


. . . . . .
. . . . . .
. . . . . .
. . . . . .
. . . . . .

"So, what's up?" I asked, finally breaking the silence.

"I was wondering if you'd like to hang out on Saturday?"

I rolled my eyes.

Image result for liz lemon eye roll

Okay, now look. Asking people on dates is nerve wracking, intimidating and hard. I've done it, I hate it, I get it. But it still bugs me when people say "hang out" instead of "date."

Not to mention my stomach started to fill with extreme dread upon hearing these words.

But I didn't know how to get out of this situation. I had flirted with him, hinted that he should ask for my number, had given him. I felt awkward. How could I turn him down?

If this situation had happened to me now, I would've said, "Hey look, I'm sorry, I thought I was interested but I'm not. I want to be upfront with you and let you know that. Thanks for asking, but I'm gonna say no."

But I didn't hadn't yet learned that it's okay to say no to dates.

In fact, this would be the experience that taught me that it's okay to say no to dates. Sure, it may sting, but at least they're saving money, ammiright?

Anyway, instead of turning him down like I should've, I said, ". . . Okay."

"Great! What would you like to do?"

I repeat: I know asking someone on a date is hard, intimidating and nerve wracking. You also want to make sure you do an activity that the other person likes, and sometimes you're not entirely sure what they'd be into.

. . . . . but I also hate when they ask me what I'd want to do. You asked me. At least come up with a couple options!

Which is (kind of, not really) what I said.

"What are my options?" I asked.

"I was thinking we could watch a movie, or go for a hike!" he said.

"Oh - um, I'm fine with either."

"Okay! Let's do both!" he exclaimed.

"O-okay." I said, when really I was thinking, 'BOTH?! FOR A FIRST DATE?! HOW BOUT NO?!'

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"O-okay." I said, when really I was thinking, 'BOTH?! FOR A FIRST DATE?! HOW BOUT NO?!'

So, the conversation ends, and I hand up feeling even more dread. My gut was telling me to run, but I didn't know how to get out of the situation.

The day of the date came, and I was still filled with dread. I didn't want to go, and my gut was screaming at me repeatedly not to.

 I was eating lunch with my friend, expressing my frustration to her.

"I just don't want to go, but I don't know how to get out of the situation," I said.

"How about this," she said. "You tell him that I'm having a panic attack, and you need to cancel."

"I don't know . . ." I said, thought my brain was saying, 'YES.'

"Either that, or I can actually put myself into a panic attack and you can stay with me --."

"Don't do that," I said, taking out my phone. "I'll cancel."

'Hey,' I typed out in a text to him, 'I'm with a friend and she's having a panic attack. I'm going to have to reschedule for another time, because I want to be with her and make sure she's okay.'

'Okay, that's fine :) ' he responded.

'Thanks for understanding. See you at church tomorrow!'

Relief filled me. It's like my body and gut were thanking me. I thanked my friend, and we spent the rest of the evening Jacob-free.

But that's not the end of this story.

Friday, August 23, 2019

Watching the last episode of a show with zero context: Breaking Bad

Hey, I had the same disclaimer on the one below and I'm putting it on this one, too. I'm too lazy to edit this. So I apologize for all spelling/grammar errors. Forgive me. 

Hey readers.

For those of you who don't know, I'm starting a new, temporary series on this blog in which I watch just the very last episode/movie of a series I've never seen\. I need to come up with a clever name for it. If you come up with something, let me know.

This week, I logged onto Netflix to see that the one and only Breaking Bad was now streaming. And, admittedly, I got a pretty excited because this show was pretty popular when I was in high school. So, it seemed like the perfect candidate for my blog.

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I actually know a decent amount about Breaking Bad, because I watched the first episode five years ago. And I was scarred by how dark it was, because I had just gotten back from a religious mission and was still an avid Jesus follower and hadn't watched anything dark. I mean, I'm still an avid Jesus follower, but I've also seen episodes of American Horror Story and The Walking Dead and stuff. I'm desensitized.

So here's what I know/remember about the show:

A chemistry teacher gets diagnosed with cancer (I think lung cancer). He's super poor, I believe.
He teams up with an old student of his to start making meth. His student puts Dorito powder in his meth.
The chemistry teacher comes up with a scientifically amazing way to create meth. He and his student start a meth lab in a mobile home?
Some sketchy stuff happens, some guys with guns track them down, he does some sort of concoction that explodes and he's able to escape, he's in the middle of nowhere New Mexico and thinks he's about to get caught but doesn't so he decides to keep making meth.
Am I right?
Oh and I believe he has an autistic son.

I went on a bad date once, and the guy told me that the final shot in the series is amazing, and that the man character dies.

So . . . yes. The chemistry teacher dies. I think his student might too? Or there's an open ending with the student.

So, without further ado, here's my thought process as I watched the last episode of Breaking Bad with very little context: 

Only five seasons? I thought there was more. Didn't the same people who did Walking Dead do this show? Wy couldn't htey have finished that at a reasonable amount of seasons?

55 minutes long? Ugh.

Okay, he's in a snowy car. So . . . he's not in New Mexico anymore?

He's shaking BAD. This is either cancer, meth, or . . . some plot point I don't know about yet.

Okay, so, it appears as if this isn't his car? He just found it? And he managed to find the keys which were hidden in the worst place ever? (Under the visor.)

Okay now there's no snow. He must be back in New Mexico. Or near there. Where was he? Oh, the license plate says New Hampshire. Okay. Geez how long of a drive is that?

Oh, that's a lotta money. Drug dealing DOES get you godo money, I hear.

He's on the phone, saying he's a journalist from the New York Times. I'm pretty sure that's a lie.

They have payphones still? What time period does this take place in?

Who are the Schwartz?! Is that him?

Cut scene to fancy house. I bet these people are drug dealers.

Chem teacher is at fancy house. And just waltzed on in. Why did they leave their front door unlocked?? They live in a MANSION and probably deal DRUGS. You don't leave your door unlocked! I mean, I live in a dinky apartment and don't deal drugs and I leave my door locked all the time.

How have they not noticed him? Has anyone every just walked into my home without me noticing and walked around?

Wow okay Elliott is holding a knife VERY shakily to Walt (they've said their names so I gathered that info). If you're gonna threaten someone physically, do it convincingly.

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Oh that's nice, he's leaving it to his son.

Oh this dude's smart.

And surprisingly charitable for a drug dealer. I mean, I've never knowingly conversed with a drug deal-- oh, no I have. Okay yeah they were nice too. Just . . . it's 9 million dollars, man.


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Okay this dude is smart but . . . . . . lawful evil. Oh man I'm freaked out FOR them.

Also, do insanely rich people dress that fancy all the time? I feel like I wouldn't, but what would I know?

Okay so those weren't guns? Clever.

Chaotic evil.

Or lawful evil?

Oh, oh is Jesse the student?

Why did the scene just switch to what looks like a commercial for depression medication?

Walt's eating bacon. I want bacon.

Pretty sure they just showed a flashback to the first episode, and I'm now remembering that his wife's brother is a cop.

Man, Walt is good at/loves dramatic entrances.

I know this is probably the third time I've typed this already but he is SMART.

Okay so now his (ex?) wife know's he's in town and this chick is like "MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T KILL YOU" but didn't he just like, say he still loves her ten minutes ago??

Oh, look. Another dramatic entrance made my Walt. I don't think I've ever made a dramatic entrance in my LIFE, and this guy has managed to make three in less than 24 hours. Impressive. That, right there, is dramatic entrance goals.

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"Trade that for a deal with the prosecutor and you get yourself out of this."


She looks a lot younger than I thought she would.

Awwwww babbyyyyyy. Okay I'm assuming that's his baby girl. She looks, like, two. So -- wait is that guy on Walking Dead? Oh, no, he's not.

K seriously when does this take place. One minute I think it's the early 2000's, the next I think it's the 70's.

Ugh this show is extremely show moving and hard to watch -- probably because I have zero idea what's going on and who any of these characters are.

Ooohhhh he wanted Jesse to die, ey? I wonder why.

Oh, Jesse does not look good. I mean, I guess that's what meth does to you. But, still. I've met a good deal of methers in my life and he does not look good for one. I mean it probs has to do partly with the fact that he's chained up, but . . .


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Oddly enough I find the most unrealistic part of this scene is how many bullets that gun has, and also that it was able to penetrate the wall. But mostly how many bullets that gun has.

Awww why's he killing that dude? That dude seemed nice. He looked like my ex's roommate who was real nice. I felt connected to this character. Why'd he have to die? Oh, this is a gruesome death too.

However, for a show that was created by the same people who did the Walking Dead, I'm surprised their haven't been more gruesome deaths.

Seriously why do Walt and Jesse hate each other?

Okay, but, granted, meth doesn't exactly bring people together . . .

Also who were all these people he just shot?

TODD. That's the name of the nice guy that I don't think needed to die. Cause he looked like -- oh no, he poisoned her. Wonder what she did to him. Lydia, that's her name. He poisoned Lydia, guys! Did she deserve to die? I literally have no idea. Someone tell me. Also, since she now knows she's poisoned, can she do something about it or is she just a lost cause?

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Alright so Jesse's alive. Looks like that's an open ended ending for Jesse.

Do slamming through gate doors while driving really work like that?

Pretty sure Jesse laughing while driving is a meme I've seen.

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Oh, snap. Walt got shot.

Wait, when? When the car was shooting at him?

Based on the fact that it's showing that gun while showing his wound, I'd say, yeah. He got himself shot. Sucks, brah.

How did the cops know he was there? Who called them?

Oh, here's the 'cool shot' that bad date guy told me about. I gotta say, it's not as great of a shot as I thought it would be. That's disappointing.

Okay, final thoughts:

........honestly, I found it boring. I expected it to be action packed, and it was just full of . . . conversations and dramatic entrances. It probably would have been more impactful if I had actually seen the show. But, like, literally. What did any of that mean? And what was his wife involved in that she'd need a prosecutor? I'm so . . . . . . unsatisfied.

Watching the last episode of a series with zero context: Pretty Little Liars

I'm too lazy to edit this. I apologize for all grammar and spelling errors. Forgive me.

For those of you who don't know, I'm starting a new, temporary series on this blog in which I watch just the very last episode/movie of a series I've never seen\. I need to come up with a clever name for it. If you come up with something, let me know.

This weeks? Pretty Little Liars.

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What I know about 'Pretty Little Liars' before watching the last episode:

It was a book series.

It follows a group of teenager girls.

I'm pretty sure they murdered someone.

I'm pretty sure they're all in high school.

I think one of the characters is a brunette.

Aaaaaand .... that's it. That's all I know.

Okay, here's my thought process while watching Pretty Little Liars: 


I'm not gonna be able to make it through in one sitting.

. . . is this what insanely rich people talk about? Purses? Ice panty liners?

. . . why is a tap dancer dancing by?

. . . why is a fancy lady on a horse coming by and they're not even dazed by it? Is this a dream?

. . . why is it snowing?

. . . what is happening?

Okay, so this chick is in a psychotherapy center? Or a jail? And she was hallucinating this?

Alright so a murder is definitely involved. How the crap did they drag on one murder for seven seasons?

Is this chick feeding a baby the same chick that was in the therapy house? I'll think of the proper name for that later.

Are they a lesbian couple? Or is that her nanny?

Okay, okay, wait. This chick is riding a super fancy horseback riding outfit. Let's be real here, it would NOT be that crisp and clean and . . . unwrinkly. Same with the fences. If she ACTUALLY road a horse, the fences wouldn't be that clean. Neither would that car. Why is everything in this show so clean? Why are rich people's houses so clean? Why have none of these shows featured poor people?

Toby was in Africa?! I wanna go to Africa.

High school students do not participate this much in class.

Why does this teacher look the same age as all the students?

Oh, she's definitely lesbian.

Bahahahahahahahaha this is so cheesy.

. . . did she just say something like . . . she wanted someone to kill that teenage girl?

Please, teachers don't care this much about bullying.

Oh, I've seen this scene on YouTube. (The blind girl approaching the mean high school student.) I didn't know it was from this show.

Okay, I'm sorry. This is CHEESY. Nobody talks like this in real life.


I . . . don't think people combine bachelor/bachelorette parties.

Ah, an empty chair and dramatic music. This is good.

Girl wearing a hoodie and dramatically staring at them through the bushes. Dramatic.

Oh, yeah she's a lesbian.

Ah, the girl is continuing to stair dramatically through windows while wearing a hoodie. Am I supposed to recognize her? Also, why do people up to no good dress so suspiciously? You think they'd do the opposite. You know, try to blend in.


Okay also I think she's the girl who disappeared from the house earlier. I think. I dunno. Mona! That's her name. I think it was Mona.

Okay I literally have no idea.

Who is Mona and why does everyone hate her?

. . . . Mona tried to push her off the bell tower? Why in the world is she still associating herself with her? If someone tried to push me off a bell tower - mentally unstable or not - I would never speak to them AGAIN.

Oh my gosh. Teachers don't care this much about bullying. And nobody talks like this.

Okay why was the brunette chat all cuddly and lovey with Toby yesterday and all distant and weird today? Geez.

"You think I'm wrong about Mona?"


Geez she's NUTS.

Oh my gosh Aria is infertile and for some reason I'm now panicking that I'm infertile. AM I INFERTILE?

Okay back to focusing.

Man, this brunette, olive toned chick is GORGEOUS. I'd go lesbian for her.

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Awww, she's proposing. Cute.

Image result for pretty little liars series finale proposal gif

I swear, people don't talk like this in real life.

Okay, who's babies were those at the beginning of the film that these two were with? And where are they now? They went on vacation and two parties and I have yet to see the babies. TWINS, nonetheless.

Oh her stare is terrifying. (Girl who's into Toby is staring at Toby like she's about to murder him. Is she the murderer?)

You know what this show reminds me of? Forever 21. The music, the people, the clothes. I feel like everything in this show could be found inside Forever 21.

Oh boy. Mona just slapped the crap outta the girl that's into Toby. So she WAS the one who was walking around in the hoodie and wearing the weird face mask that she ripped off dramatically. Man, this show is something else.

How did she knock her out with one slap?

What's happening? Who is Mary? Is Mona wearing another face mask to look like Toby's girl?


Wait, okay, so . . . this chick is her British evil twin?

This chick's acting is BUGGING ME.

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OOOHHHHH okay okay okay so is that why she seemed so into Toby one day and then cold the next?  Cause it was actually her British evil twin?

. . . so she's doing all this to sleep with Toby?? What a screwed up motivation. Couldn't she have just been, like, herself?

Okay, so they're twins separated at birth?

Ha I totally called her killing Wre-- oh she wants him to shoot her? What is this messed up crap?

"I have to look exactly like her."

What the what. Why'd he only shoot her in the chest?

Oh, I called her killing him. Ha. I was right.

This is so . . . bizarre.

And yet, I still believe I'd seen an evil twin inside of Forever 21.

EM. Em is the name of the lesbian girl I'd turn lesbian for. She's GORGEOUS.

Oh, hey, the babies back.

Aaaaand Wren's the father. Okay then.

Whyyyyy does it look like this nurse was straight out of the 20's. Like these girl's are in their 20's and DEFINITELY takes place in modern day. Realistically this doesn't make sense.

Okay so the good twin's mom took the fall for a murder this chick and her friends committed? And was like lol sorry but I'm gonna keep you locked up. DUDE RELEASE HER AND RUN AWAY.

Also I don't like Arie's dress.

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Oh, good. Ezra's here.

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OOOHHH okay so the evil twin is the one that was black mailing them about the murder?

I don't know why this actress bugs me. Maybe because her British accent seems a bit . . . forced? Exaggerated?

Ha. Watch. I'll find out that this actress is really British and her true accent is American. I'm dying.


I don't GET it. Like, her British accent isn't BAD. But it BUGS me. I really can't pinpoint why.

Oh the blind girl knows what's UP.

Oh, hey. There's 15 minutes left. I didn't think I'd make it through.

Okay, okay, okay wait. Why haven't they called the cops?

Also, wait. The blind chick is like "you smell different" and then Toby's like THERE'S AN EVIL TWIN and then ALL the girls are like YUP YOU'RE RIGHT. How did they get to that conclusion so quickly?!

Oh, hey. There's Mona. Oh boy. Do people spy on me via my webcam?

Okay, so evil twin punches mom in the face and somehow knocks her out? By a PUNCH in the NOSE? I've never been punched, but I'm pretty sure you don't get knocked out by the punch in the NOSE.

Oh, okay this fortress is INSANE. And kinda dope.



. . . how did evil twin have the money to build this? And how?? like this is a HUGE under ground area.

Oh, good. Someone WAS responsible and DID call the cops. That's good.

okay NOW what dress is Aria wearing? Like I know she postponed the wedding cause he got kidnapped, but she still could've gotten a good use out of her dress.

I . . . . . . wait okay so the good twin is now with Toby when the evil twin was with Toby the entire time? Does Toby even want that? Does the good twin even want that? Also, what happened to her mom? Did the nose punch kill her?

Those are creepy dolls. That is a creepy child.

Wait is that Mona and Toby together? That's Mona . . . is that seriously Toby??? Living in France? As she stares suspiciously out a window? I'm so confused. Or does that dude just LOOK like Toby?

Oh she crazy.

What am I watching? What am I lookingn at?
Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. So Mona now has the mom and evil twin in her own fortress? I am CREEPED. OUT. And was that or was that not Toby?

Also . . . . . . the bully being killed . . . . . . . WHAT WAS THAT?

Final thoughts:




Thursday, April 25, 2019

Watching the last episode of a series with zero context: XOXO: Gossip Girl

Hey friends.

For those of you who don't know, I'm starting a new, temporary series on this blog in which I watch just the very last episode/movie of a series I've never seen\. I need to come up with a clever name for it. If you come up with something, let me know.

Now, when I first announced (that sounds so official) that I was doing this, I had a lot of people tell me to watch Gossip Girl.

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So, that's exactly what I did.

Before I sat down and watched it, I wrote this intro and a summary of what I knew about Gossip Girl before watching the final episode.

Here's that summary:

What I know about 'Gossip Girl' without ever seeing an episode of it
By: Carmen

Blake Lively is in it. At least I think that's her name. That pretty blonde chick is in it.

There's some brunette and two attractive men as her costars.

I BELIEVE they're getting emails or notes from a 'gossip girl' and they don't know who it is? I believe I read somewhere after the show ended that it's a dude sending the emails/writing the notes???

OR 'xoxo gossip girl' is what one of the characters signs her diary with?

I know everyone sleeps with each other.

I THINK the characters are supposed to be in high school? Or maybe that's Pretty Little Liars.

Pretty sure it used to air on CW.

Aaaaaaand that's it. That's all I know about 'Gossip Girl.'

So without further ado:

My thought process whilst watching the series finale of 'Gossip Girl' without ever seeing an episode of it.
By: Carmen

Alright, here we go.

Only six seasons? Wow I thought there was gonna be more.

Well I can tell already from the description that the identity of Gossip Girl is revealed, so I guess that's a 'no' on 'xoxo gossip girl' being the signature in a diary.

Pressing play.

Wow okay episode recaps are NOT helpful when you haven't seen any other episodes

Wait, is that the guy from 'You'? Is he as creepy in this as he is in 'You'? Oh actually I think he's douchey in this.

I bet the guy in the suit is 'gossip girl.'

Wow literally everyone is wearing a suit in this, so you guys have no idea who I'm talking about. It's the older guy.

Oh the older guy in the suit is literally hanging off the edge of the building now. I guess he's not Gossip Girl.

RIP older suit guy who isn't 'Gossip Girl.'

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Okay, okay. Recap done. Here we go.

Why does everyone dress so nicely?

"Tell the pilot I'm gonna need another moment?"
-- Blake Lively's character

Is that your own plane???? Another moment for what??? What is he gonna do??? I'm pretty sure pilots are under strict schedules.

Oh, Bart Bass is the one who died.

Who the heck are the Bass' and why are they so important?

Did they clime into the trunk of the limo with or without the driver knowing they were there?

"She's a minor."


Heyyy it's the 'inconceivable' guy from The Princess Bride.

"It's not like Blair and Chuck killed the man. Oh no, what???"

Technically he didn't. He fell off the freaken roof and they didn't help him. It's not like they pulled a Scar and Mufasa and threw him off the roof.

Oh no. Blake Lively, I don't know what yours and 'You' guy's relationship is . . . but don't go back to him. The recap portrayed him as a total duche bag.

. . . I can't tell if Blair is being serious with everything she says. Everything she says is so . . . over the top, and I think she's joking. Then she keeps going and I'm like, "Oh wait. She's . . . she's being serious. Okay."

"You guys should get married."

"OMG yes let's do it."

"I dunnooooo."



*Chuck proposes

*Blair sobs

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I know very minimal about Blair, but I can't stand her.

Okay . . . so they used to be in school?? And they went together? How old were they? What school are we talking about? High school? College?

How is everyone wearing fancy clothes all the time?

Chuck: Let's get married.

Blair: Okay!

Chuck: Wait maybe not I dunno don't you want a wedding?

Blair: *nO i LoVe YoU

Who wrote Blair's dialogue? This is terrible. Does anyone else think it's terrible?

I think this suit guy is Gossip Girl.


oooOOOOoooohhhh William is in love with Ivy? And Mrs. Bass is, like, pissed about it? Didn't her husband just die two seconds ago?

Oh but he's the father of her kids?

Gossip Girl GIF

I'm . . . so confused right now.


Why does everyone care about these people? They're rich . . . and what else?

Inconceivable guy: Blair and Chuck; stay out of sight.

Blair and Chuck: announce their engagement in a crowded museum where two teens see and probably two dozen others overhear them.

Blair and Chuck: Continue standing in very public places even though they know they're wanted fugitives.

Oh. 'You' guy's name is Dan.

Okay that's hilarious, because I knew this guy named Dan and he was a total douche bag and I'm pretty sure THIS Dan is a douche bag.

I hate Blair.

Oh. Shocking. The police are crashing the wedding. How unexpected to the plot.

I asked this once, I'll ask it again: why ---

Wait -- Kristin Bell is Gossip Girl?

Oh, no. She's not. IDK what she's doing.

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Anyway. I asked this once, I'll ask this again: WHY DO PEOPLE CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE?!

Dan is Gossip Girl? I feel like people should've been able to figure that out sooner. Were people shocked by this? Am I just not shocked because this is the only episode I've seen?

"You posted about her loosing her virginity."

"She wanted me to."


Blake Lively is totally chill with Douche Bag Dan being Gossip Girl, who supposedly caused all this toxicity and drama?

Blake Lively characters is only fine with it cause she's love drunk.

"Oh he ruined our lives but it's fine. I'm fine."
- Blake Lively's character.

Dan and Blair are the woooorst.

Five years later . . .

Wait is this child Chuck and Blair's? Why does he look five? Oh, I guess this is five years in the future. What, did she have a honeymoon baby?

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Was anyone else unhappy about this? Or is it just me because  I'm going off of solely one episode?

Why does everyone in this show - including people walking down the street - dress like they're going to some French boarding school? I legit have seen three people wearing beret in this show. NOBODY WEARS THOSE IN NEW YORK CITY. LET ALONE 14-YEAR-OLDS.

Okay, just finished.

Here's the questions I have:

Is Douche Bag Dan really a douche bag?

Who the heck was Ivy?

Why was Mrs. Bass in love with William? Didn't her husband just die? Was she cheating on him with William?

Why was she chill with William cheating on her with Ivy? I mean, I know she thought she was faking it BUT STILL.

Why am I so hung up on Ivy and William? They literally had a minute and a half long scene AT MOST.

Why is Blair so annoying?


XOXO - Carmen Girl

Thursday, April 18, 2019

The awkward column

I've written a couple of these before, and I have to say, they're some of my favorite blog posts to write. Basically, this (and past ones) are a summary of small awkward moments that aren't substantial enough to be their own blog post, but definitely deserve to be written about.

Poncho the Punk

I love my dog, Poncho. I really do. And he is a pain in the patootie sometimes. Most the time. All the time. And I love him. Except when he pee’s inside, which (for reason’s the vet and I still can’t pinpoint why) happens quite often.

One night, I was having a game night with some friends. I took Poncho out at his scheduled nighttime pee. After I got back to the apartment, I let him off the leash and, for reasons I STILL DON’T KNOW, he ran to my bedroom and peed on my desk.

Annoyed and discouraged, I yelled at him, leashed him back up and dragged him outside so he could pee again. Anger was instantly added to my annoyance and discouragement when I saw that it was snowing AND IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SPRINGTIME.

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As I walked Poncho down the sidewalk, I spotted a woman walking her short, fat dog towards us. Poncho, who demands all males to submit to him, began yanking hard on the leash. I restrained him, and moved to the snowy grass so as to avoid the fat dog, who was growling and yapping at Poncho.

The snow was slick, and Poncho became more and more difficult to resist. Then, he did his strongest yank yet, and I slid, falling into the snowy grass on my back.

At this point, defeat overwhelmed me, and I just sat there, lying still on my back, small tears trickling down my cheeks, as snow fell on my face and Poncho yanked on the leash, continuing to attempt to charge towards the dog.
The woman was making no effort to restrain her dog or walk it away from us, so I knew I had to get up and face my defeat. 

That's exactly what I did. The woman stood there, staring at me, her fat dog yapping at us as I stood up, yanked Poncho with bitterness back towards my apartment, where I walked inside with a sad look on my face and said, "He pulled me into the snoooowwww." 

The Golden State Killer podcast

Fun fact about me: I love serial killer podcasts. And books. And documentaries. Really, anything to do with true crime, I’m obsessed with.

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So when my friend told me about a five part podcast all about the Golden State Killer? Oh man, I was all over that.

I began listening to it at work. Now, fun fact: the Golden State Killer would often call the phone numbers of his victims and torment them by saying stuff like, “I’m gonna kill you” and other scary, awful things.

Each podcast began with those creepy whispers of the Golden State Killer over the phone.

One day, I couldn’t hear the podcast after I pressed ‘play’ on my phone. I checked the screen. Sure enough, it was playing, so I turned the volume up on my phone.

“I’m gonna kiiiiill you….”

And that's when I realized, my headphones weren't plugged in.

“Oh, come on.”

I put my thumb on my phone for a fingerprint recognition so I could pause it. My phone rejected it.

You: wHy DiDnT yOu JuSt PlUg In YoUr HeAdPhOnEs?!


The podcast continued on.

“I’m gonna kiiiiiill you…”

I replaced my thumb for a second try. Once again, my phone rejected it.

*Heavy breathing

“Okay, you know what?! You need to chill.”

By now, my nearby coworkers were eying me curiously.

“You’re going to diiiiiiiie…”

I typed in my passcode while mumbling, “Oh, shut up.”

And I quickly paused the podcast. My coworkers were still eyeing me. I plugged my headphones in and said, “Podcast. Nobody’s gonna actually die here.”

And we turned back to our work. 

The bomb threat

Speaking of work, there was a day a few months ago when someone emailed (or called??) in a bomb threat to a BUNCH of businesses, saying that there was a bomb in the building and they'd blow it up unless they transferred X amount of bitcoins to them.

One of the businesses that shares the same building as the company I work for was fortunate to receive this threat.

News spread fast, and the next thing I know, all my coworkers are rushing out of the building.

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I looked around, confused, and my coworker approached me and said, "There's been a bomb threat. We're evacuating."

"Oh, for real?"


I swung my purse over my shoulder and said, "Well, I mean, if it goes off before we leave the building, it'll at least be a fast death."

My boss — who walked by right as I said that — looked at me with a mix of fear over what was happening and horror over what I just said.

I shrugged.

"I'm not wrong."

FYI, the threat was fake and we went back inside 45 minutes later.

Greatest fear

Okay, so for about six months, I taught a Sunday School class once a month at church. Also once a month, all the Sunday School teachers would have a meeting together and discuss ways to improve our teaching, techniques we found that worked, etc.

All the teachers sat in a circle facing inward. The guy in charge stood up and said, “Okay, well, I think some of us are new here. Why don’t we go around and introduce ourselves? Say your name, your major and . . . let’s go with your greatest fear. Carmen, you first.”

He motioned towards me as he sat down, and I sat there, unsure of what to say. You see, I know exactly what my greatest fear is, but I wasn’t sure if I should actually share it.

“Okay, well, what kind of ‘greatest fear’ are we talking about, here?” I asked. “Because, like, I have a serious fears, but then I have not serious fears, and I don’t know which one we’re saying.”


“Cause, like, I could say that my greatest fear in life are zombies, but I know they aren’t real,” I said, sputtering over my words. “But really, I have a massive fear of getting kidnapped, raped and forced into human trafficking. So, like, which greatest fear are we sharing? Zombies, or kidnapped, raped, human trafficking?”


“Okay, well, I guess my greatest fear is being kidnapped, raped and forced into human trafficking,” I said to the silent crowd. “Oh, I’m Carmen by the way. Communications major.”

I flashed a peace sign, then looked at the kid next to me, thrilled to turn the attention to someone else.

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The next guy introduced himself and stated his major, then put his hands in his lap and solemnly bowed his head with a sad look on his face as he said, “I’m worried I won’t go to heaven.”

I did one of my best and biggest eye rolls and muttered to myself, “Oh brother.”

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Because, no offense to this kid but, as a member of a religion that believes it’s difficult to NOT get into heaven . . . that fear is stupid.

It was the next kids turn.

“Hi, I’m Josh. I’m an engineering major and . . . I’d have to go with vampires. Vampires are my greatest fear.”

“THOSE AREN’T EVEN REAL!” I shouted, getting defensive, as I usually do when I feel dumb.

One by one, each teacher went by and said their stupid fear. I heard spiders, the dark and other cliche', small fears. At one point I even shouted, “Okay, you guys have to say you actual fears like I did. This ain’t fair.”

“I’m scared of not graduating!” piped up one kid.

“. . . okay, fine. I’ll give you that.”

Just then, a girl walked quickly through the door, holding a binder and looking disheveled.

“I’m so sorry I’m late,” she said. “I was organizing another meeting. What did I miss?”

“We’re going around and introducing yourselves. Say your name, major and greatest fear.”

The girl took a seat and organized herself while saying, “I’m Annie. Psychology major. My greatest fear is that my husband will pass away, and I won’t be able to care for my family.”

She looked up, and I could see the horror on her face that she had just shared that.

“Oh — I’m sorry, I know that’s kind of serious, but . . .”

“No, thank you!” I said. “I said my greatest fear was being kidnapped, raped and forced into human
trafficking, then all these losers were like ‘uh, vampires.’ So, THANK YOU.”

I reached my hand out for a high-five, which she hesitantly returned.

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The time I got mistaken as Jesus

Ah, now, this is one of my favorite moments.

This was while in Rwanda on my study abroad. Two friends of mine walked with me to go buy some water bottles at a nearby store. It was getting pretty dark out by the time we started to head back.

As we neared the dorms we were staying at, a group of about six drunk men came waltzing by.

Out of habit, I took a large step away from them and hid behind my two guy friends that were accompanying me. I'd only ever had scary experiences with groups of drunk men.

I breathed a sigh of relief as they walked by without acknowledging me . . . until one stopped, pointed at me and said, "Jesus."

The three of us halted abruptly.

"Jesus," he repeated, pointing at me and then pounding his chest. "Jesus."

"Jesus," said one of my friends, nodding.

The drunk guy beamed with delight, came in towards my friend and embraced him in a massive hug while saying (you guessed it), "Jesus."

He turned to my next friend and did the same action. Then, he turned towards me. He moved towards me, arms outstretched for a hug . . . which I intercepted by stepping to the side and grabbing his hand to shake instead.

"Jesus," I said.

"GOD BLESS!" he yelled.

He then turned back to the guys who were with me. He pounded his chest, said "Jesus," then pounded my friends chest. He repeated this with my other friend . . . then turned to me. He pounded his chest saying, "Jesus." Then he hand stretched out towards my chest . . .

and I stepped to the side, grabbed his hand and shook it.

Eventually we got the man to leave. We pointed out that his friends were leaving him behind, to which he responded saying, "Ah, friends, yes." He pointed to me and said, "Jesus," then walked away to his friends, continuing to say, "God bless" and "Jesus" along the way.

My friends and I began walking slowly towards our dorm again. There was silence between all of us until I finally blurted out, ". . . What just happened?!"

"I'm pretty sure that guy thought you were Jesus," my friend responded.

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And that's the story of the time I got mistaken as Jesus.

Anyway. Hope y'all enjoyed. Always remember to love and embrace your awkward moments!

And always remember: