Thursday, April 25, 2019

Watching the last episode of a series with zero context: XOXO: Gossip Girl

Hey friends.

For those of you who don't know, I'm starting a new, temporary series on this blog in which I watch just the very last episode/movie of a series I've never seen\. I need to come up with a clever name for it. If you come up with something, let me know.

Now, when I first announced (that sounds so official) that I was doing this, I had a lot of people tell me to watch Gossip Girl.

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So, that's exactly what I did.

Before I sat down and watched it, I wrote this intro and a summary of what I knew about Gossip Girl before watching the final episode.

Here's that summary:

What I know about 'Gossip Girl' without ever seeing an episode of it
By: Carmen

Blake Lively is in it. At least I think that's her name. That pretty blonde chick is in it.

There's some brunette and two attractive men as her costars.

I BELIEVE they're getting emails or notes from a 'gossip girl' and they don't know who it is? I believe I read somewhere after the show ended that it's a dude sending the emails/writing the notes???

OR 'xoxo gossip girl' is what one of the characters signs her diary with?

I know everyone sleeps with each other.

I THINK the characters are supposed to be in high school? Or maybe that's Pretty Little Liars.

Pretty sure it used to air on CW.

Aaaaaaand that's it. That's all I know about 'Gossip Girl.'

So without further ado:

My thought process whilst watching the series finale of 'Gossip Girl' without ever seeing an episode of it.
By: Carmen

Alright, here we go.

Only six seasons? Wow I thought there was gonna be more.

Well I can tell already from the description that the identity of Gossip Girl is revealed, so I guess that's a 'no' on 'xoxo gossip girl' being the signature in a diary.

Pressing play.

Wow okay episode recaps are NOT helpful when you haven't seen any other episodes

Wait, is that the guy from 'You'? Is he as creepy in this as he is in 'You'? Oh actually I think he's douchey in this.

I bet the guy in the suit is 'gossip girl.'

Wow literally everyone is wearing a suit in this, so you guys have no idea who I'm talking about. It's the older guy.

Oh the older guy in the suit is literally hanging off the edge of the building now. I guess he's not Gossip Girl.

RIP older suit guy who isn't 'Gossip Girl.'

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Okay, okay. Recap done. Here we go.

Why does everyone dress so nicely?

"Tell the pilot I'm gonna need another moment?"
-- Blake Lively's character

Is that your own plane???? Another moment for what??? What is he gonna do??? I'm pretty sure pilots are under strict schedules.

Oh, Bart Bass is the one who died.

Who the heck are the Bass' and why are they so important?

Did they clime into the trunk of the limo with or without the driver knowing they were there?

"She's a minor."

SHE LOOKS FREAKEN 34.

Heyyy it's the 'inconceivable' guy from The Princess Bride.

"It's not like Blair and Chuck killed the man. Oh no, what???"

Technically he didn't. He fell off the freaken roof and they didn't help him. It's not like they pulled a Scar and Mufasa and threw him off the roof.

Oh no. Blake Lively, I don't know what yours and 'You' guy's relationship is . . . but don't go back to him. The recap portrayed him as a total duche bag.

. . . I can't tell if Blair is being serious with everything she says. Everything she says is so . . . over the top, and I think she's joking. Then she keeps going and I'm like, "Oh wait. She's . . . she's being serious. Okay."

"You guys should get married."

"OMG yes let's do it."

"I dunnooooo."

"Please?"

"Okay."

*Chuck proposes

*Blair sobs


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Me: WHY ARE YOU CRYING? YOU LITERALLY JUST TALKED ABOUT THIS TWO SECONDS AGO. THIS AIN'T NO SURPRISE.

I know very minimal about Blair, but I can't stand her.

Okay . . . so they used to be in school?? And they went together? How old were they? What school are we talking about? High school? College?

How is everyone wearing fancy clothes all the time?

Chuck: Let's get married.

Blair: Okay!

Chuck: Wait maybe not I dunno don't you want a wedding?

Blair: *nO i LoVe YoU

Who wrote Blair's dialogue? This is terrible. Does anyone else think it's terrible?

I think this suit guy is Gossip Girl.

WHY DOES EVERYONE WEAR A SUIT. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT.

oooOOOOoooohhhh William is in love with Ivy? And Mrs. Bass is, like, pissed about it? Didn't her husband just die two seconds ago?

Oh but he's the father of her kids?


Gossip Girl GIF

I'm . . . so confused right now.

THEY'VE BEEN FRIENDS SINCE HIGH SCHOOL?? THE FLASHBACK PARTY SCENE THEY SHOWED WAS THEM IN HIGH SCHOOL?? THEY LOOKED 24 AND WERE DRINKING CHAMPAGNE. TEENAGERS WHO UNDERAGE DRINK DO NOT CHOOSE TO UNDERAGE DRINK WITH CHAMPAGNE.

Why does everyone care about these people? They're rich . . . and what else?

Inconceivable guy: Blair and Chuck; stay out of sight.

Blair and Chuck: announce their engagement in a crowded museum where two teens see and probably two dozen others overhear them.

Blair and Chuck: Continue standing in very public places even though they know they're wanted fugitives.

Oh. 'You' guy's name is Dan.

Okay that's hilarious, because I knew this guy named Dan and he was a total douche bag and I'm pretty sure THIS Dan is a douche bag.

I hate Blair.

Oh. Shocking. The police are crashing the wedding. How unexpected to the plot.

I asked this once, I'll ask it again: why ---

Wait -- Kristin Bell is Gossip Girl?


Oh, no. She's not. IDK what she's doing.

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Anyway. I asked this once, I'll ask this again: WHY DO PEOPLE CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE?!

Dan is Gossip Girl? I feel like people should've been able to figure that out sooner. Were people shocked by this? Am I just not shocked because this is the only episode I've seen?

"You posted about her loosing her virginity."

"She wanted me to."

Um....

Blake Lively is totally chill with Douche Bag Dan being Gossip Girl, who supposedly caused all this toxicity and drama?

Blake Lively characters is only fine with it cause she's love drunk.

"Oh he ruined our lives but it's fine. I'm fine."
- Blake Lively's character.

Dan and Blair are the woooorst.

Five years later . . .

Wait is this child Chuck and Blair's? Why does he look five? Oh, I guess this is five years in the future. What, did she have a honeymoon baby?

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WHY IS BLAKE LIVELY'S CHARACTER MARRYING DOUCHE BAG DAN???

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Was anyone else unhappy about this? Or is it just me because  I'm going off of solely one episode?

Why does everyone in this show - including people walking down the street - dress like they're going to some French boarding school? I legit have seen three people wearing beret in this show. NOBODY WEARS THOSE IN NEW YORK CITY. LET ALONE 14-YEAR-OLDS.

Okay, just finished.

Here's the questions I have:

Is Douche Bag Dan really a douche bag?

Who the heck was Ivy?

Why was Mrs. Bass in love with William? Didn't her husband just die? Was she cheating on him with William?

Why was she chill with William cheating on her with Ivy? I mean, I know she thought she was faking it BUT STILL.

Why am I so hung up on Ivy and William? They literally had a minute and a half long scene AT MOST.

Why is Blair so annoying?

WHY DOES EVERYONE CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE?!

XOXO - Carmen Girl

Thursday, April 18, 2019

The awkward column

I've written a couple of these before, and I have to say, they're some of my favorite blog posts to write. Basically, this (and past ones) are a summary of small awkward moments that aren't substantial enough to be their own blog post, but definitely deserve to be written about.

Poncho the Punk

I love my dog, Poncho. I really do. And he is a pain in the patootie sometimes. Most the time. All the time. And I love him. Except when he pee’s inside, which (for reason’s the vet and I still can’t pinpoint why) happens quite often.

One night, I was having a game night with some friends. I took Poncho out at his scheduled nighttime pee. After I got back to the apartment, I let him off the leash and, for reasons I STILL DON’T KNOW, he ran to my bedroom and peed on my desk.

Annoyed and discouraged, I yelled at him, leashed him back up and dragged him outside so he could pee again. Anger was instantly added to my annoyance and discouragement when I saw that it was snowing AND IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SPRINGTIME.

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As I walked Poncho down the sidewalk, I spotted a woman walking her short, fat dog towards us. Poncho, who demands all males to submit to him, began yanking hard on the leash. I restrained him, and moved to the snowy grass so as to avoid the fat dog, who was growling and yapping at Poncho.

The snow was slick, and Poncho became more and more difficult to resist. Then, he did his strongest yank yet, and I slid, falling into the snowy grass on my back.

At this point, defeat overwhelmed me, and I just sat there, lying still on my back, small tears trickling down my cheeks, as snow fell on my face and Poncho yanked on the leash, continuing to attempt to charge towards the dog.
The woman was making no effort to restrain her dog or walk it away from us, so I knew I had to get up and face my defeat. 

That's exactly what I did. The woman stood there, staring at me, her fat dog yapping at us as I stood up, yanked Poncho with bitterness back towards my apartment, where I walked inside with a sad look on my face and said, "He pulled me into the snoooowwww." 


The Golden State Killer podcast

Fun fact about me: I love serial killer podcasts. And books. And documentaries. Really, anything to do with true crime, I’m obsessed with.

Image result for the office serial killer gif

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So when my friend told me about a five part podcast all about the Golden State Killer? Oh man, I was all over that.

I began listening to it at work. Now, fun fact: the Golden State Killer would often call the phone numbers of his victims and torment them by saying stuff like, “I’m gonna kill you” and other scary, awful things.

Each podcast began with those creepy whispers of the Golden State Killer over the phone.

One day, I couldn’t hear the podcast after I pressed ‘play’ on my phone. I checked the screen. Sure enough, it was playing, so I turned the volume up on my phone.

“I’m gonna kiiiiill you….”

And that's when I realized, my headphones weren't plugged in.

“Oh, come on.”

I put my thumb on my phone for a fingerprint recognition so I could pause it. My phone rejected it.

You: wHy DiDnT yOu JuSt PlUg In YoUr HeAdPhOnEs?!

I DON'T KNOW, OKAY?!

The podcast continued on.

“I’m gonna kiiiiiill you…”

I replaced my thumb for a second try. Once again, my phone rejected it.

*Heavy breathing

“Okay, you know what?! You need to chill.”

By now, my nearby coworkers were eying me curiously.

“You’re going to diiiiiiiie…”

I typed in my passcode while mumbling, “Oh, shut up.”

And I quickly paused the podcast. My coworkers were still eyeing me. I plugged my headphones in and said, “Podcast. Nobody’s gonna actually die here.”

And we turned back to our work. 



The bomb threat

Speaking of work, there was a day a few months ago when someone emailed (or called??) in a bomb threat to a BUNCH of businesses, saying that there was a bomb in the building and they'd blow it up unless they transferred X amount of bitcoins to them.

One of the businesses that shares the same building as the company I work for was fortunate to receive this threat.

News spread fast, and the next thing I know, all my coworkers are rushing out of the building.

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I looked around, confused, and my coworker approached me and said, "There's been a bomb threat. We're evacuating."

"Oh, for real?"

"Yeah."

I swung my purse over my shoulder and said, "Well, I mean, if it goes off before we leave the building, it'll at least be a fast death."

My boss — who walked by right as I said that — looked at me with a mix of fear over what was happening and horror over what I just said.

I shrugged.

"I'm not wrong."

FYI, the threat was fake and we went back inside 45 minutes later.



Greatest fear


Okay, so for about six months, I taught a Sunday School class once a month at church. Also once a month, all the Sunday School teachers would have a meeting together and discuss ways to improve our teaching, techniques we found that worked, etc.

All the teachers sat in a circle facing inward. The guy in charge stood up and said, “Okay, well, I think some of us are new here. Why don’t we go around and introduce ourselves? Say your name, your major and . . . let’s go with your greatest fear. Carmen, you first.”

He motioned towards me as he sat down, and I sat there, unsure of what to say. You see, I know exactly what my greatest fear is, but I wasn’t sure if I should actually share it.

“Okay, well, what kind of ‘greatest fear’ are we talking about, here?” I asked. “Because, like, I have a serious fears, but then I have not serious fears, and I don’t know which one we’re saying.”

Silence.

“Cause, like, I could say that my greatest fear in life are zombies, but I know they aren’t real,” I said, sputtering over my words. “But really, I have a massive fear of getting kidnapped, raped and forced into human trafficking. So, like, which greatest fear are we sharing? Zombies, or kidnapped, raped, human trafficking?”

Silence.

“Okay, well, I guess my greatest fear is being kidnapped, raped and forced into human trafficking,” I said to the silent crowd. “Oh, I’m Carmen by the way. Communications major.”


I flashed a peace sign, then looked at the kid next to me, thrilled to turn the attention to someone else.

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The next guy introduced himself and stated his major, then put his hands in his lap and solemnly bowed his head with a sad look on his face as he said, “I’m worried I won’t go to heaven.”

I did one of my best and biggest eye rolls and muttered to myself, “Oh brother.”

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Because, no offense to this kid but, as a member of a religion that believes it’s difficult to NOT get into heaven . . . that fear is stupid.

It was the next kids turn.

“Hi, I’m Josh. I’m an engineering major and . . . I’d have to go with vampires. Vampires are my greatest fear.”

“THOSE AREN’T EVEN REAL!” I shouted, getting defensive, as I usually do when I feel dumb.

One by one, each teacher went by and said their stupid fear. I heard spiders, the dark and other cliche', small fears. At one point I even shouted, “Okay, you guys have to say you actual fears like I did. This ain’t fair.”

“I’m scared of not graduating!” piped up one kid.

“. . . okay, fine. I’ll give you that.”

Just then, a girl walked quickly through the door, holding a binder and looking disheveled.

“I’m so sorry I’m late,” she said. “I was organizing another meeting. What did I miss?”

“We’re going around and introducing yourselves. Say your name, major and greatest fear.”

The girl took a seat and organized herself while saying, “I’m Annie. Psychology major. My greatest fear is that my husband will pass away, and I won’t be able to care for my family.”

She looked up, and I could see the horror on her face that she had just shared that.

“Oh — I’m sorry, I know that’s kind of serious, but . . .”

“No, thank you!” I said. “I said my greatest fear was being kidnapped, raped and forced into human
trafficking, then all these losers were like ‘uh, vampires.’ So, THANK YOU.”

I reached my hand out for a high-five, which she hesitantly returned.

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The time I got mistaken as Jesus

Ah, now, this is one of my favorite moments.

This was while in Rwanda on my study abroad. Two friends of mine walked with me to go buy some water bottles at a nearby store. It was getting pretty dark out by the time we started to head back.

As we neared the dorms we were staying at, a group of about six drunk men came waltzing by.

Out of habit, I took a large step away from them and hid behind my two guy friends that were accompanying me. I'd only ever had scary experiences with groups of drunk men.

I breathed a sigh of relief as they walked by without acknowledging me . . . until one stopped, pointed at me and said, "Jesus."

The three of us halted abruptly.

"Jesus," he repeated, pointing at me and then pounding his chest. "Jesus."

"Jesus," said one of my friends, nodding.

The drunk guy beamed with delight, came in towards my friend and embraced him in a massive hug while saying (you guessed it), "Jesus."

He turned to my next friend and did the same action. Then, he turned towards me. He moved towards me, arms outstretched for a hug . . . which I intercepted by stepping to the side and grabbing his hand to shake instead.

"Jesus," I said.

"GOD BLESS!" he yelled.

He then turned back to the guys who were with me. He pounded his chest, said "Jesus," then pounded my friends chest. He repeated this with my other friend . . . then turned to me. He pounded his chest saying, "Jesus." Then he hand stretched out towards my chest . . .

and I stepped to the side, grabbed his hand and shook it.

Eventually we got the man to leave. We pointed out that his friends were leaving him behind, to which he responded saying, "Ah, friends, yes." He pointed to me and said, "Jesus," then walked away to his friends, continuing to say, "God bless" and "Jesus" along the way.

My friends and I began walking slowly towards our dorm again. There was silence between all of us until I finally blurted out, ". . . What just happened?!"

"I'm pretty sure that guy thought you were Jesus," my friend responded.


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And that's the story of the time I got mistaken as Jesus.



Anyway. Hope y'all enjoyed. Always remember to love and embrace your awkward moments!

And always remember:

Jesus.