Thursday, April 25, 2019

Watching the last episode of a series with zero context: XOXO: Gossip Girl

Hey friends.

For those of you who don't know, I'm starting a new, temporary series on this blog in which I watch just the very last episode/movie of a series I've never seen\. I need to come up with a clever name for it. If you come up with something, let me know.

Now, when I first announced (that sounds so official) that I was doing this, I had a lot of people tell me to watch Gossip Girl.

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So, that's exactly what I did.

Before I sat down and watched it, I wrote this intro and a summary of what I knew about Gossip Girl before watching the final episode.

Here's that summary:

What I know about 'Gossip Girl' without ever seeing an episode of it
By: Carmen

Blake Lively is in it. At least I think that's her name. That pretty blonde chick is in it.

There's some brunette and two attractive men as her costars.

I BELIEVE they're getting emails or notes from a 'gossip girl' and they don't know who it is? I believe I read somewhere after the show ended that it's a dude sending the emails/writing the notes???

OR 'xoxo gossip girl' is what one of the characters signs her diary with?

I know everyone sleeps with each other.

I THINK the characters are supposed to be in high school? Or maybe that's Pretty Little Liars.

Pretty sure it used to air on CW.

Aaaaaaand that's it. That's all I know about 'Gossip Girl.'

So without further ado:

My thought process whilst watching the series finale of 'Gossip Girl' without ever seeing an episode of it.
By: Carmen

Alright, here we go.

Only six seasons? Wow I thought there was gonna be more.

Well I can tell already from the description that the identity of Gossip Girl is revealed, so I guess that's a 'no' on 'xoxo gossip girl' being the signature in a diary.

Pressing play.

Wow okay episode recaps are NOT helpful when you haven't seen any other episodes

Wait, is that the guy from 'You'? Is he as creepy in this as he is in 'You'? Oh actually I think he's douchey in this.

I bet the guy in the suit is 'gossip girl.'

Wow literally everyone is wearing a suit in this, so you guys have no idea who I'm talking about. It's the older guy.

Oh the older guy in the suit is literally hanging off the edge of the building now. I guess he's not Gossip Girl.

RIP older suit guy who isn't 'Gossip Girl.'

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Okay, okay. Recap done. Here we go.

Why does everyone dress so nicely?

"Tell the pilot I'm gonna need another moment?"
-- Blake Lively's character

Is that your own plane???? Another moment for what??? What is he gonna do??? I'm pretty sure pilots are under strict schedules.

Oh, Bart Bass is the one who died.

Who the heck are the Bass' and why are they so important?

Did they clime into the trunk of the limo with or without the driver knowing they were there?

"She's a minor."

SHE LOOKS FREAKEN 34.

Heyyy it's the 'inconceivable' guy from The Princess Bride.

"It's not like Blair and Chuck killed the man. Oh no, what???"

Technically he didn't. He fell off the freaken roof and they didn't help him. It's not like they pulled a Scar and Mufasa and threw him off the roof.

Oh no. Blake Lively, I don't know what yours and 'You' guy's relationship is . . . but don't go back to him. The recap portrayed him as a total duche bag.

. . . I can't tell if Blair is being serious with everything she says. Everything she says is so . . . over the top, and I think she's joking. Then she keeps going and I'm like, "Oh wait. She's . . . she's being serious. Okay."

"You guys should get married."

"OMG yes let's do it."

"I dunnooooo."

"Please?"

"Okay."

*Chuck proposes

*Blair sobs


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Me: WHY ARE YOU CRYING? YOU LITERALLY JUST TALKED ABOUT THIS TWO SECONDS AGO. THIS AIN'T NO SURPRISE.

I know very minimal about Blair, but I can't stand her.

Okay . . . so they used to be in school?? And they went together? How old were they? What school are we talking about? High school? College?

How is everyone wearing fancy clothes all the time?

Chuck: Let's get married.

Blair: Okay!

Chuck: Wait maybe not I dunno don't you want a wedding?

Blair: *nO i LoVe YoU

Who wrote Blair's dialogue? This is terrible. Does anyone else think it's terrible?

I think this suit guy is Gossip Girl.

WHY DOES EVERYONE WEAR A SUIT. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT.

oooOOOOoooohhhh William is in love with Ivy? And Mrs. Bass is, like, pissed about it? Didn't her husband just die two seconds ago?

Oh but he's the father of her kids?


Gossip Girl GIF

I'm . . . so confused right now.

THEY'VE BEEN FRIENDS SINCE HIGH SCHOOL?? THE FLASHBACK PARTY SCENE THEY SHOWED WAS THEM IN HIGH SCHOOL?? THEY LOOKED 24 AND WERE DRINKING CHAMPAGNE. TEENAGERS WHO UNDERAGE DRINK DO NOT CHOOSE TO UNDERAGE DRINK WITH CHAMPAGNE.

Why does everyone care about these people? They're rich . . . and what else?

Inconceivable guy: Blair and Chuck; stay out of sight.

Blair and Chuck: announce their engagement in a crowded museum where two teens see and probably two dozen others overhear them.

Blair and Chuck: Continue standing in very public places even though they know they're wanted fugitives.

Oh. 'You' guy's name is Dan.

Okay that's hilarious, because I knew this guy named Dan and he was a total douche bag and I'm pretty sure THIS Dan is a douche bag.

I hate Blair.

Oh. Shocking. The police are crashing the wedding. How unexpected to the plot.

I asked this once, I'll ask it again: why ---

Wait -- Kristin Bell is Gossip Girl?


Oh, no. She's not. IDK what she's doing.

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Anyway. I asked this once, I'll ask this again: WHY DO PEOPLE CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE?!

Dan is Gossip Girl? I feel like people should've been able to figure that out sooner. Were people shocked by this? Am I just not shocked because this is the only episode I've seen?

"You posted about her loosing her virginity."

"She wanted me to."

Um....

Blake Lively is totally chill with Douche Bag Dan being Gossip Girl, who supposedly caused all this toxicity and drama?

Blake Lively characters is only fine with it cause she's love drunk.

"Oh he ruined our lives but it's fine. I'm fine."
- Blake Lively's character.

Dan and Blair are the woooorst.

Five years later . . .

Wait is this child Chuck and Blair's? Why does he look five? Oh, I guess this is five years in the future. What, did she have a honeymoon baby?

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WHY IS BLAKE LIVELY'S CHARACTER MARRYING DOUCHE BAG DAN???

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Was anyone else unhappy about this? Or is it just me because  I'm going off of solely one episode?

Why does everyone in this show - including people walking down the street - dress like they're going to some French boarding school? I legit have seen three people wearing beret in this show. NOBODY WEARS THOSE IN NEW YORK CITY. LET ALONE 14-YEAR-OLDS.

Okay, just finished.

Here's the questions I have:

Is Douche Bag Dan really a douche bag?

Who the heck was Ivy?

Why was Mrs. Bass in love with William? Didn't her husband just die? Was she cheating on him with William?

Why was she chill with William cheating on her with Ivy? I mean, I know she thought she was faking it BUT STILL.

Why am I so hung up on Ivy and William? They literally had a minute and a half long scene AT MOST.

Why is Blair so annoying?

WHY DOES EVERYONE CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE?!

XOXO - Carmen Girl

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