Friday, August 23, 2019

Watching the last episode of a show with zero context: Breaking Bad

Hey, I had the same disclaimer on the one below and I'm putting it on this one, too. I'm too lazy to edit this. So I apologize for all spelling/grammar errors. Forgive me. 


Hey readers.

For those of you who don't know, I'm starting a new, temporary series on this blog in which I watch just the very last episode/movie of a series I've never seen\. I need to come up with a clever name for it. If you come up with something, let me know.

This week, I logged onto Netflix to see that the one and only Breaking Bad was now streaming. And, admittedly, I got a pretty excited because this show was pretty popular when I was in high school. So, it seemed like the perfect candidate for my blog.

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I actually know a decent amount about Breaking Bad, because I watched the first episode five years ago. And I was scarred by how dark it was, because I had just gotten back from a religious mission and was still an avid Jesus follower and hadn't watched anything dark. I mean, I'm still an avid Jesus follower, but I've also seen episodes of American Horror Story and The Walking Dead and stuff. I'm desensitized.

So here's what I know/remember about the show:

A chemistry teacher gets diagnosed with cancer (I think lung cancer). He's super poor, I believe.
He teams up with an old student of his to start making meth. His student puts Dorito powder in his meth.
The chemistry teacher comes up with a scientifically amazing way to create meth. He and his student start a meth lab in a mobile home?
Some sketchy stuff happens, some guys with guns track them down, he does some sort of concoction that explodes and he's able to escape, he's in the middle of nowhere New Mexico and thinks he's about to get caught but doesn't so he decides to keep making meth.
Am I right?
Oh and I believe he has an autistic son.

I went on a bad date once, and the guy told me that the final shot in the series is amazing, and that the man character dies.

So . . . yes. The chemistry teacher dies. I think his student might too? Or there's an open ending with the student.

So, without further ado, here's my thought process as I watched the last episode of Breaking Bad with very little context: 

Only five seasons? I thought there was more. Didn't the same people who did Walking Dead do this show? Wy couldn't htey have finished that at a reasonable amount of seasons?

55 minutes long? Ugh.

Okay, he's in a snowy car. So . . . he's not in New Mexico anymore?

He's shaking BAD. This is either cancer, meth, or . . . some plot point I don't know about yet.

Okay, so, it appears as if this isn't his car? He just found it? And he managed to find the keys which were hidden in the worst place ever? (Under the visor.)

Okay now there's no snow. He must be back in New Mexico. Or near there. Where was he? Oh, the license plate says New Hampshire. Okay. Geez how long of a drive is that?

Oh, that's a lotta money. Drug dealing DOES get you godo money, I hear.

He's on the phone, saying he's a journalist from the New York Times. I'm pretty sure that's a lie.

They have payphones still? What time period does this take place in?

Who are the Schwartz?! Is that him?

Cut scene to fancy house. I bet these people are drug dealers.

Chem teacher is at fancy house. And just waltzed on in. Why did they leave their front door unlocked?? They live in a MANSION and probably deal DRUGS. You don't leave your door unlocked! I mean, I live in a dinky apartment and don't deal drugs and I leave my door locked all the time.

How have they not noticed him? Has anyone every just walked into my home without me noticing and walked around?

Wow okay Elliott is holding a knife VERY shakily to Walt (they've said their names so I gathered that info). If you're gonna threaten someone physically, do it convincingly.

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Who is Gretchin? WHY IS HE GIVEN THEM ALL THIS MONEY?

9 MILLION 720 DOLLARS?!

Oh that's nice, he's leaving it to his son.

Oh this dude's smart.

And surprisingly charitable for a drug dealer. I mean, I've never knowingly conversed with a drug deal-- oh, no I have. Okay yeah they were nice too. Just . . . it's 9 million dollars, man.

WAIT WHAT IS GOING ON. WHY ARE THERE RED DOTS SIGNALING A SNIPER RIFLE??

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Okay this dude is smart but . . . . . . lawful evil. Oh man I'm freaked out FOR them.

Also, do insanely rich people dress that fancy all the time? I feel like I wouldn't, but what would I know?

Okay so those weren't guns? Clever.

Chaotic evil.

Or lawful evil?

Oh, oh is Jesse the student?

Why did the scene just switch to what looks like a commercial for depression medication?

Walt's eating bacon. I want bacon.

Pretty sure they just showed a flashback to the first episode, and I'm now remembering that his wife's brother is a cop.

Man, Walt is good at/loves dramatic entrances.

I know this is probably the third time I've typed this already but he is SMART.

Okay so now his (ex?) wife know's he's in town and this chick is like "MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T KILL YOU" but didn't he just like, say he still loves her ten minutes ago??

Oh, look. Another dramatic entrance made my Walt. I don't think I've ever made a dramatic entrance in my LIFE, and this guy has managed to make three in less than 24 hours. Impressive. That, right there, is dramatic entrance goals.

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"Trade that for a deal with the prosecutor and you get yourself out of this."

OUT OF WHAT?! IS SHE INVOLVED IN THE DRUGS TOO??

She looks a lot younger than I thought she would.

Awwwww babbyyyyyy. Okay I'm assuming that's his baby girl. She looks, like, two. So -- wait is that guy on Walking Dead? Oh, no, he's not.

K seriously when does this take place. One minute I think it's the early 2000's, the next I think it's the 70's.

Ugh this show is extremely show moving and hard to watch -- probably because I have zero idea what's going on and who any of these characters are.

Ooohhhh he wanted Jesse to die, ey? I wonder why.

Oh, Jesse does not look good. I mean, I guess that's what meth does to you. But, still. I've met a good deal of methers in my life and he does not look good for one. I mean it probs has to do partly with the fact that he's chained up, but . . .

OH HOLY CRAP. THE CAR IS SHOOTING AT THEM. I REPEAT, THE CAR, IS SHOOTING, AT THEM.

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Oddly enough I find the most unrealistic part of this scene is how many bullets that gun has, and also that it was able to penetrate the wall. But mostly how many bullets that gun has.

Awww why's he killing that dude? That dude seemed nice. He looked like my ex's roommate who was real nice. I felt connected to this character. Why'd he have to die? Oh, this is a gruesome death too.

However, for a show that was created by the same people who did the Walking Dead, I'm surprised their haven't been more gruesome deaths.

Seriously why do Walt and Jesse hate each other?

Okay, but, granted, meth doesn't exactly bring people together . . .

Also who were all these people he just shot?

TODD. That's the name of the nice guy that I don't think needed to die. Cause he looked like -- oh no, he poisoned her. Wonder what she did to him. Lydia, that's her name. He poisoned Lydia, guys! Did she deserve to die? I literally have no idea. Someone tell me. Also, since she now knows she's poisoned, can she do something about it or is she just a lost cause?

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Alright so Jesse's alive. Looks like that's an open ended ending for Jesse.

Do slamming through gate doors while driving really work like that?

Pretty sure Jesse laughing while driving is a meme I've seen.

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Oh, snap. Walt got shot.

Wait, when? When the car was shooting at him?

Based on the fact that it's showing that gun while showing his wound, I'd say, yeah. He got himself shot. Sucks, brah.

How did the cops know he was there? Who called them?

Oh, here's the 'cool shot' that bad date guy told me about. I gotta say, it's not as great of a shot as I thought it would be. That's disappointing.


Okay, final thoughts:

........honestly, I found it boring. I expected it to be action packed, and it was just full of . . . conversations and dramatic entrances. It probably would have been more impactful if I had actually seen the show. But, like, literally. What did any of that mean? And what was his wife involved in that she'd need a prosecutor? I'm so . . . . . . unsatisfied.



Watching the last episode of a series with zero context: Pretty Little Liars

DISCLAIMER: 
I'm too lazy to edit this. I apologize for all grammar and spelling errors. Forgive me.

For those of you who don't know, I'm starting a new, temporary series on this blog in which I watch just the very last episode/movie of a series I've never seen\. I need to come up with a clever name for it. If you come up with something, let me know.

This weeks? Pretty Little Liars.

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What I know about 'Pretty Little Liars' before watching the last episode:

It was a book series.

It follows a group of teenager girls.

I'm pretty sure they murdered someone.

I'm pretty sure they're all in high school.

I think one of the characters is a brunette.

Aaaaaand .... that's it. That's all I know.


Okay, here's my thought process while watching Pretty Little Liars: 

DEAR GOODNESS. AN HOUR AND A HALF SERIES FINALE?! AND I THOUGHT 45 MINUTES WAS LONG.

I'm not gonna be able to make it through in one sitting.

. . . is this what insanely rich people talk about? Purses? Ice panty liners?

. . . why is a tap dancer dancing by?

. . . why is a fancy lady on a horse coming by and they're not even dazed by it? Is this a dream?

. . . why is it snowing?

. . . what is happening?

Okay, so this chick is in a psychotherapy center? Or a jail? And she was hallucinating this?

Alright so a murder is definitely involved. How the crap did they drag on one murder for seven seasons?

Is this chick feeding a baby the same chick that was in the therapy house? I'll think of the proper name for that later.

Are they a lesbian couple? Or is that her nanny?

Okay, okay, wait. This chick is riding a super fancy horseback riding outfit. Let's be real here, it would NOT be that crisp and clean and . . . unwrinkly. Same with the fences. If she ACTUALLY road a horse, the fences wouldn't be that clean. Neither would that car. Why is everything in this show so clean? Why are rich people's houses so clean? Why have none of these shows featured poor people?

Toby was in Africa?! I wanna go to Africa.

High school students do not participate this much in class.

Why does this teacher look the same age as all the students?

Oh, she's definitely lesbian.

Bahahahahahahahaha this is so cheesy.

. . . did she just say something like . . . she wanted someone to kill that teenage girl?

Please, teachers don't care this much about bullying.

Oh, I've seen this scene on YouTube. (The blind girl approaching the mean high school student.) I didn't know it was from this show.

Okay, I'm sorry. This is CHEESY. Nobody talks like this in real life.

HEY THEY TALKED ABOUT THE ADORONDACKS! I've been there.

I . . . don't think people combine bachelor/bachelorette parties.

Ah, an empty chair and dramatic music. This is good.

Girl wearing a hoodie and dramatically staring at them through the bushes. Dramatic.

Oh, yeah she's a lesbian.

Ah, the girl is continuing to stair dramatically through windows while wearing a hoodie. Am I supposed to recognize her? Also, why do people up to no good dress so suspiciously? You think they'd do the opposite. You know, try to blend in.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SHE LITERALLY RIPPED OFF A FACE MASK OH THIS IS HILARIOUS.

Okay also I think she's the girl who disappeared from the house earlier. I think. I dunno. Mona! That's her name. I think it was Mona.

Okay I literally have no idea.

Who is Mona and why does everyone hate her?

. . . . Mona tried to push her off the bell tower? Why in the world is she still associating herself with her? If someone tried to push me off a bell tower - mentally unstable or not - I would never speak to them AGAIN.

Oh my gosh. Teachers don't care this much about bullying. And nobody talks like this.

Okay why was the brunette chat all cuddly and lovey with Toby yesterday and all distant and weird today? Geez.

"You think I'm wrong about Mona?"

SHE TRIED TO PUSH YOU OFF A FREAKEN BELL TOWER.

Geez she's NUTS.

Oh my gosh Aria is infertile and for some reason I'm now panicking that I'm infertile. AM I INFERTILE?

Okay back to focusing.

Man, this brunette, olive toned chick is GORGEOUS. I'd go lesbian for her.

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Awww, she's proposing. Cute.

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I swear, people don't talk like this in real life.

Okay, who's babies were those at the beginning of the film that these two were with? And where are they now? They went on vacation and two parties and I have yet to see the babies. TWINS, nonetheless.

Oh her stare is terrifying. (Girl who's into Toby is staring at Toby like she's about to murder him. Is she the murderer?)

You know what this show reminds me of? Forever 21. The music, the people, the clothes. I feel like everything in this show could be found inside Forever 21.

Oh boy. Mona just slapped the crap outta the girl that's into Toby. So she WAS the one who was walking around in the hoodie and wearing the weird face mask that she ripped off dramatically. Man, this show is something else.

How did she knock her out with one slap?

What's happening? Who is Mary? Is Mona wearing another face mask to look like Toby's girl?

NOBODY TALKS LIKE THIS.

Wait, okay, so . . . this chick is her British evil twin?

This chick's acting is BUGGING ME.

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OOOHHHHH okay okay okay so is that why she seemed so into Toby one day and then cold the next?  Cause it was actually her British evil twin?

. . . so she's doing all this to sleep with Toby?? What a screwed up motivation. Couldn't she have just been, like, herself?

Okay, so they're twins separated at birth?

Ha I totally called her killing Wre-- oh she wants him to shoot her? What is this messed up crap?

"I have to look exactly like her."
YOU ALREADY DO THERE'S LITERALLY NO DIFFERENCES.

What the what. Why'd he only shoot her in the chest?

Oh, I called her killing him. Ha. I was right.

This is so . . . bizarre.

And yet, I still believe I'd seen an evil twin inside of Forever 21.

EM. Em is the name of the lesbian girl I'd turn lesbian for. She's GORGEOUS.

Oh, hey, the babies back.

Aaaaand Wren's the father. Okay then.

Whyyyyy does it look like this nurse was straight out of the 20's. Like these girl's are in their 20's and DEFINITELY takes place in modern day. Realistically this doesn't make sense.

Okay so the good twin's mom took the fall for a murder this chick and her friends committed? And was like lol sorry but I'm gonna keep you locked up. DUDE RELEASE HER AND RUN AWAY.

Also I don't like Arie's dress.

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Oh, good. Ezra's here.

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OOOHHH okay so the evil twin is the one that was black mailing them about the murder?

I don't know why this actress bugs me. Maybe because her British accent seems a bit . . . forced? Exaggerated?

Ha. Watch. I'll find out that this actress is really British and her true accent is American. I'm dying.

NOBODY TALKS LIKE THIS.

I don't GET it. Like, her British accent isn't BAD. But it BUGS me. I really can't pinpoint why.

Oh the blind girl knows what's UP.

Oh, hey. There's 15 minutes left. I didn't think I'd make it through.

Okay, okay, okay wait. Why haven't they called the cops?

Also, wait. The blind chick is like "you smell different" and then Toby's like THERE'S AN EVIL TWIN and then ALL the girls are like YUP YOU'RE RIGHT. How did they get to that conclusion so quickly?!

Oh, hey. There's Mona. Oh boy. Do people spy on me via my webcam?

Okay, so evil twin punches mom in the face and somehow knocks her out? By a PUNCH in the NOSE? I've never been punched, but I'm pretty sure you don't get knocked out by the punch in the NOSE.

Oh, okay this fortress is INSANE. And kinda dope.

WHY DIDN'T ANYONE CALL THE COPS.

GUY'S DON'T SPLIT UP.

. . . how did evil twin have the money to build this? And how?? like this is a HUGE under ground area.

Oh, good. Someone WAS responsible and DID call the cops. That's good.

okay NOW what dress is Aria wearing? Like I know she postponed the wedding cause he got kidnapped, but she still could've gotten a good use out of her dress.

I . . . . . . wait okay so the good twin is now with Toby when the evil twin was with Toby the entire time? Does Toby even want that? Does the good twin even want that? Also, what happened to her mom? Did the nose punch kill her?

Those are creepy dolls. That is a creepy child.

Wait is that Mona and Toby together? That's Mona . . . is that seriously Toby??? Living in France? As she stares suspiciously out a window? I'm so confused. Or does that dude just LOOK like Toby?

Oh she crazy.

What am I watching? What am I lookingn at?
Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. So Mona now has the mom and evil twin in her own fortress? I am CREEPED. OUT. And was that or was that not Toby?

Also . . . . . . the bully being killed . . . . . . . WHAT WAS THAT?

Final thoughts:

. . . DID THEY ALL GET AWAY WITH MURDER?

DID I MAKE THAT MURDER PLOT UP IN MY HEAD?

I AM SO CONFUSED.